'I have a freezer full of embryos and I'm not allowed to use them.'

When I was a child I dreamed about the perfect life. A loving husband who adored me, two kids who looked just like us, a home we could create memories in and a dream career that made me feel fulfilled and genuinely helped people.

Coming from a broken family, this was something I longed for, and when I met my husband for the first time I was working in my dream career as a Police Officer and thought I was on the right track to bring the rest to life.

But as the years went on, I realised that life doesn’t always go to plan. The vision I once created and longed for disappeared, at times out of my control.

Five years after landing my dream career as a Police Officer I was diagnosed with PTSD and had to leave. I was devastated.

I struggled with infertility and the prospect of never having children. I heavily blamed myself thinking I had jinxed it because I had once said I never wanted children after I investigated a SIDS death when I was 23 years old.

Watch: Modern Family star Sofia Vergara talks about the custody battle with her ex Nick Loeb over their frozen embryos. Post continues after video.

Video via ABC News.

After two rounds of IVF and finally holding my three-month-old son; I found myself battling with post-natal depression terrified of something happening like that little SIDS baby I carried to the morgue many years ago.


And now, separating with my husband and a freezer full of embryos that I am not allowed to use.

Hindsight is a funny thing and I wish I had thought about freezing some of my eggs too. Because not only does divorcing mean losing the family I had once dreamt of; but it also means I may never have children ever again.

Before commencing IVF, there was a legal process where we had to decide what would happen to our embryos if something were to happen to us. What if one of us died, both of us died? What if we got divorced? It was legally binding and witnessed by a JP.

I never considered divorce when starting IVF and so of course we decided if that was to happen naturally they would be destroyed. My mind was so focused on having a baby, and the advice was to choose to freeze embryos because they have the biggest chance of surviving the thawing process.

I used every single egg I had and had them create embryos with my husband's sperm.

And now, the embryos we formed together have to be destroyed when we get divorced.

I want to say I’m okay. That separation would mean we wouldn’t have children together again, anyway. But there is still something in me that grieves at the 'what if'. What if I met someone else and never have that chance again?

Business is no different. We make money, lose money, grow, and fall apart. We sometimes have to be resourceful and look at things differently so we are not always doom and gloom. I could easily drop into this poor me 'victim' who keeps saying it all happens to me. But that is not who I want to be.

Instead, I’m focusing on building my mindset and feeling more empowered than ever; because I’ve learned that no matter what life throws at you there is always something to be grateful for and different ways of doing things.


I may never have any more children, but I have a beautiful little boy I love already.

Listen to Get Me Pregnant! where Amy joins us to tell her story. Post continues below.

I will never be a Police Officer again, but it allowed me to find my passion for business and build my own marketing agency helping people in a completely different way.

Struggling with my mental health has opened up opportunities to do my own inner work; engaging mindset coaches, timeline therapy, NLP training and elevating my mindset.

And separating from my husband has given me the strength to create a life for myself. To learn to trust myself and know that no matter what life throws at me... I can handle anything.

Tash Miller is an ex-cop turned Social Media Marketing Strategist and founder of SheLeads Creative Agency. She is a Mum to IVF miracle Archie and hugely passionate about empowering women to share impactful stories talking about what really happens behind closed doors; to build connection & relatability. You can find her on Instagram @iamtashmiller. You can also get in touch via email at

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Feature image: Supplied.

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