OPINION: The danger in The Bachelors making marriage a 'goal'.

Like tens of thousands of other people across Australia, I have been tuning in to The Bachelors over the last few weeks to watch three white-bread men whittle a large group of beautiful women down to one ‘winner’ each.

In the last few seasons, Bachelors have been provided with a promise ring that they can offer their chosen partner on the last episode as a symbol of commitment. Because it would be wild to assume that two people would be ready to get engaged after a few weeks when all of their time together has been coordinated, produced and filmed, right?

Apparently not.

This season, as well as three times Bachelors, they have upped the stakes by giving each man an engagement ring at the start of the show, urging them to propose at any point if they feel like they have found the person they want to be with forever.

And the women on the show? Well, I guess the implication is that if a handsome man you’ve been sharing with dozens of other women chooses you to marry, you better be ready to say yes.

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While we are talking about a reality TV show here, like a lot of other dating shows, they do reflect society's values when it comes to dating and relationships. And also informs them. So when one of the biggest reality shows in Australia is pushing the narrative that marriage is the end goal for every relationship that, in my opinion, is dangerous.

While I understand marriage is an important milestone for many people – in fact most – I think it is also important to be realistic about its downsides so people can decide whether it’s right for them.

So many times I have asked people whether they see themselves getting married and they’ve replied with ‘well yeah, of course!’, or ‘oh, I guess so?’. Two responses where marriage is the assumed natural ending for a loving relationship.

And when the same question is asked to me and I reply with a firm ‘no’, people ask me why not and I have to carefully pick my words around the myriad of reasons I wouldn’t get married, without offending someone who is likely already married, or planning to be.

Which is why I was frustrated to see engagement rings presented on the first episode of The Bachelors, with the clear direction that they should propose.

And the women? Well, of course, they will be ready and willing to be proposed to. It’s not like they’re a group of individuals, with different values, deal-breakers and timelines. It’s not like, god forbid, any of them wouldn’t want to get married at all?

The dangerous part of this I’m referring to is the different stakes involved when two people get engaged. 

Of course engagements and marriages can be broken off – and they are, all the time. But I can only imagine it would be a painful and jarring experience, and I’m concerned that women especially might be inclined to stay in a relationship that isn’t right for them because they have stood in front of their friends and family (and everyone who follows them on social media), and promised to commit to someone til death do them part. 

I also think that proposals can often create pressure for women to say yes, especially public ones.

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I know that if the finale of The Bachelors involved a frank and honest conversation about improving communication, how they can support each other better, with realistic and agreed-upon timelines for big milestones, we wouldn’t get a sexy, rose-filled ending. But can we really expect that anyone would be ready to say yes after literally a few weeks of filming? 

They haven’t done anything that helps you decide whether someone is right for you – like a holiday together, moving in, or even a simple joint supermarket trip. All of these things show you someone’s values, how they handle the tricky moments, and your compatibility. Not just how they are in full makeup, in a highly stylised environment, surrounded by their 'competition'.

We’ve seen what happens when someone disrupts the traditional idea of how relationships ‘should be’ already this season, with the revelation that one contestant, Jessica, is in a polyamorous relationship. Despite her partner Damien being completely supportive of her decision to be on the show, it was a complete ‘scandal’, so much so that another contestant felt the need to pass on this information to Jessica’s Bachelor Felix immediately, instead of letting her tell him herself.

Felix’s response? “I love threesomes, just not with my wife.” 

Not only did this demonstrate his complete lack of understanding of polyamory but also reinforces a wrongful assumption about women who are ‘wife material’ and those who are not. Women you marry don’t have threesomes – or at least have put that behind them. Women who love threesomes or dare to have multiple consenting partners (ironically exactly what Felix is doing), are not.

It’s time to throw these traditional gender roles and assumptions in the bin.

I’ve often thought about what it would be like to have someone like myself show up on something like The Bachelor, secure in the decision that under no circumstances would I want to get married. Would I make it past night one? Would I be escorted from the mansion, clearly a hysterical woman who doesn’t understand that marriage is the goal in every strong relationship?

I’d love to see a Bachelor or Bachelorette one year who was not interested in getting married. Or at the very least, a contestant who felt that way and had the opportunity to share their opinion, though I already know that it would be blown up into a scandal, the same way Jessica’s relationship has been. So I think I’ll be waiting a long time.

Image: Network 10 + Mamamia. 

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