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"I met her and started crying immediately." Author Lindy West on entering a polyamorous relationship.

Lindy and her husband Aham have been married for seven years.

Aham and his girlfriend, Roya, have been together for a couple of years.

The three of them, combined, have been dating since last summer.

Complicated couple maths? Not really. It's just three people in love. With each other.

However, Lindy, Aham and Roya have had to come out online to explain to the world how exactly it works - because in a society structured around a husband, wife, two-and-a-half kids and a picket fence, their 'normal' doesn't make sense. 

Watch Lindy West speak to Mamamia about why she'll never be thin. Post continues after video.


Video via Mamamia.

"Cis straight men think I am getting away with something," Aham shares, suggesting that their dynamic is more husband, wife and mistress, rather than an equal trio.

"I don't have any allegiance to that kind of like masculine energy of 'getting women'. I'm not trying to get anything, I'm with these people. I just have, like, unlimited respect for the people that I love. And I'm in a relationship which at no point does it feel like I'm doing anything inappropriate, but that perception is really in the air."

So, as a way of debunking this perception, the three of them have 'outed' themselves in a candid video interview series (hosted by @stylelikeu) - answering the questions people always want to ask, but feel too awkward to say out loud.

While this is a format done by many in the public eye, the intriguing element of this discussion was that Roya is spoke of as a total equal. Usually in a public outing of a throuple, the newest party member isn't usually handed the mic. 

There are barrages of criticism towards the 'original couple' who have added another partner into the mix, while the newbie remains quiet. A 'just happy to be here' stance, if you will.

But in this announcement, Roya spoke often and boldly. 

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Her involvement began purely with Aham, in a period of Aham and Lindy's marriage where the two had an open agreement, which was policed by their self-constructed "don't ask, don't tell" policy.

"I was falling in love with someone who wanted to be fully available, and they actually weren't," Roya shares of Aham. "It couldn't be open and transparent. And truly, that lack of transparency is what caused stress and anxiety for everybody."

Aham was trying to keep elements of his relationship with Roya away from Lindy, as Lindy had shared that she didn't want to know details of who he was seeing. But, as it usually does, life gets in the way. Roya had some personal things going on, and she needed Aham by her side. 

"It was all about logistics," Aham explains. "Scheduling, planning, changing things last minute" to cater to the two individuals he cared about, but lived very separate lives.

This situation didn't work for Lindy, and pain, frustration and vulnerabilities bubbled to the top.

"From where I was sitting, we were trying to save our marriage," Lindy says. "And he would just be explaining to me that it's really hurtful to this other person when we can't put something on the calendar, and I just want to be like, 'I don't know her and I don't care.' We're the married ones, you know?"

It was during this period, that Roya sensed that she needed to meet Lindy, with the premise that they could make it work as a team. Together. 

"Even in my most frustrated moments when I wished it would fast forward, I really instinctively knew it was going to get there. It won't just be that Lindy and I have to know of each other, or there has to be something beyond this segregated kind of relationship."

So they met. 

And that moment changed everything.

Side note: Listen to this interview with Lindy West, where Lindy talks to Mia Freedman about her relationships. Post continues after podcast.

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"When I finally first met Roya, I remember crying - like almost immediately," says Lindy. "I was like, 'I'm so sorry', because I could immediately see how much they loved each other. And I started to realise how much pain I had caused Roya."

But where to from here?

"There was never an agenda," states Aham. "I was never trying to merge relationships." But what followed was what all three described as "organic".

It started with Lindy and Roya talking, becoming incredibly close and recognising their attraction for one another. 

"I desperately wanted something that felt good and healthy," says Roya. "And for no one to be forced to perform what they didn't genuinely feel."

Lindy says that she felt like she wanted it to move in that direction, but she needed time to wrap her head around this as a potential living, breathing reality for her life. 

"I just remember the whole time being like, I can do it. Hang on. Just slow down," Lindy explains.

So they did. They took their time and built a foundation of a three-way relationship that worked for all of them.

How does sex work in their polyamorous relationship?

Lindy is quick to point out that prior to adding Roya into the mix, sex was never a problem for her and Aham - stating: "I feel like our sex life was always amazing."

But that didn't mean that pressure and 'unsexy' logistics weren't about to be present in their new relationship.

"I felt an extreme pressure to make everything very even and fair," shares Aham. "I thought everyone needed to get the same amount of attention."

At this point in the interview, Lindy jovially butts in to say: "Okay, but you volunteered for that role! You specifically said that you wanted to be project manager!"

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An unexpected side effect of their relationship for Lindy was that it gave her a new sexual lease on life.

"I had sort of written off the idea of experiencing new feelings or like new desires or doing anything exciting. But this has brought me back to life in a in such a palpable way where people notice every day people are like, 'Oh my God, what's different about you?' And it's like... well everything," says Lindy. "I feel like a return to my younger self, who was like excited and hungry for me."

Despite the excitement on Lindy's part, Roya explains that there were some hurdles for her.

"I had some insecurities and worries around being the partner that is still getting to know everybody, and doesn't have this legacy of an 11 year relationship and a six-year marriage behind them," shares Roya. "So there's like, stages of growth that we're moving through and really, really opening up to all the possibilities of the three of us - and what Lindy and I have a one on one together, all of those dynamics are really exciting! I get so much of what I didn't even know I needed and wanted physically and otherwise."

What emotional toll does being in a throuple take?

As you may expect, building a romantic dynamic between three people can lead to thoughts of jealous and insecurity. And Lindy, Roya and Aham speak to what makes them feel most vulnerable in their relationship.

For Aham, it's the sensation of maybe not being enough.

"I worry that I can't be enough. I worry that I can't be there enough emotionally that I can't be there enough physically for these two people that I love so much."

For Lindy, it's the fear that Aham and Roya will run off together.

"You can't not have some voice in your head saying like, 'Okay, well this is the trip that mum's gonna realise that he loves her way more and does not need you and they would be happier without you'."

For Roya, it's the concern that this could all go away in a single moment.

"I would say when I'm alone, I think to myself, could this all go away? And if it does, I'm by myself. And these two people have each other still." But she shares that this sensation is subsiding. "That feeling was more present previously than it is now. And I grow more and more confident every day about what we have."

And that's how it's going to work for Lindy, Aham and Roya - just like in any relationship. Keeping communication open and building confidence and a life together. Happi-three ever after. 

Feature Image: @stylelikeu + Mamamia.