When it comes to figuring out men, it sometimes pays to skip the girl talk and head straight to the source. This column is my advice on your most burning questions about guys. And since I’m gay, I’m kind of halfway inside your head already. Let’s dive in!

This week, you asked:

“My boyfriend and I have sex frequently, but it’s… boring. I don’t really know how to address it with him because I feel like I should be happy that we’re having sex at all. I don’t want him to get bored and move on so I think I’m the one who needs to spice things up. What should I do?”

You, my friend, are not alone.

In fact, it’s such a common issue that, when you google it, you’ll find a few trillion answers that are just as boring as your sex life.

Many experts will say the real problem is that you got too comfortable with your partner.

Personally, I think that’s bullshit.

Samantha X shares her tips on how to have better sex. Post continues below.

Of course you got too comfy with your partner. That’s the whole damn point of being in a long-term relationship. Being comfortable isn’t the problem.

The problem is being too familiar.

Hear me out. Excitement requires some amount of uncertainty. That’s why flirting, and the beginning stages of dating, are so much fun. But once that mystery fades, we stop looking to uncover new things about our partner. Because we feel we know what works, we avoid further exploration.

The bad news is, it sounds like you’re stuck here. The good news is, it’s totally fixable.

People change and relationships evolve. But for some strange reason, we often forget to bring our sex lives along for the ride.

There’s nothing wrong with the sex of your past, but pushing yourself to explore uncharted territories will result in that uncertainty and excitement you’re longing for.

Luckily, the best thing about being in a long-term relationship is that you’re secure enough to talk about this. Wait until you’re both filled with a bit of passion (and maybe alcohol or weed) and ask what would really turn him on. He’s more likely to be honest with you when he’s… hard.

Then take what he says seriously. It deserves attention. Read or watch porn that involves his desires. Buy new lingerie and sex toys if that’s what’s required. Because if you push yourself out of your comfort zone, I guarantee you’ll find yourself a little nervous again. That’ll lead to uncertainty. And uncertainty leads to excitement.

Then, flip the script. You gotta take a look into your own fantasy drawer. You’re the only person who can identity your next great sexual desire, so do yourself a favour and spend an afternoon on PornHub for “research purposes”. Treat it as a science experiment, exploring categories you’d normally avoid. Then conduct further field research. And by “field research”, I mean, well, you know.

You already know that relationships take work. But for some strange reason we all forget that achieving a great sex life requires effort too. Having wonderful, interesting sex actively requires energy and effort.

So if you want that mind blowing orgasm you so justly deserve, then you’re going to need to work for it. And, hot damn. It will be worth it.

If you’ve been stuck in a sex rut and pulled yourself out, we’d love to hear how in the comment section below. And while you’re at it, drop Sean a relationship question at [email protected]. No topic is too complicated (or sexually explicit) to explore further!

Read more from Ask Sean: 

• Ask Sean: “My boyfriend won’t stop liking photos of random girls in bikinis.”
• Ask Sean: “My ex is getting married and I feel… weird about it.”
• Ask Sean: “I’ve been with my boyfriend for three years. Now he doesn’t want to have sex.”
• Ask Sean: “I’m fantasising about my boyfriend’s brother. Is this a bad sign?”
• Ask Sean: “My boyfriend poops in front of me all the time. Is he too comfortable around me?”
• Ask Sean: “I was on my boyfriend’s computer when I discovered he might have a… fetish.”

Sean Szeps is a freelancer, and Mamamia’s resident Agony Uncle. To ask him a question, you can email [email protected] You can also follow Sean on Instagram, or listen to him on Mamamia’s parenting podcast, The Baby Bubble.