dating

Ask Sean: "I'm fantasising about my boyfriend's brother. Is this a bad sign?"

When it comes to figuring out men, it sometimes pays to skip the girl talk and head straight to the source. This column is my advice on your most burning questions about guys. And since I’m gay, I’m kind of halfway inside your head already. Let’s dive in!

This week, you asked:

“I’ve been with my boyfriend for four years, and we’re really happy. But just recently, I’ve started fantasising about his brother. He’s a bit older, and is attractive, and sometimes it feels like I’m thinking about it just because I know it could never happen. I would never act on it, and his personality is so different from my current partner to the point where I could never actually have a relationship with him. But now I’ve become really awkward and can’t look him in the eye. Is this a bad sign?”

No. Not at all.

Fantasising about having sex with other people is totally normal. We all – regardless of our gender or relationship status – have permission to think about anyone we want without it causing an issue in our personal lives. In fact, we can think about it as long and as hard and as, well, you get the point.

I think it’s really healthy to be conscious of your fantasies. Like dreams, they can sometimes be revelatory of our true desires. But if you’re happy with your current boyfriend, then daydreaming about having sex with his brother doesn’t make you a bad person. Lusting for someone doesn’t always translate to action.

If you’re lying to me – and yourself – about your current happiness, then you should definitely be concerned. Maybe your potential brother-in-law has qualities that you wish your boyfriend had. This could be your unconscious way of exploring what it would be like to date someone else.

How do you actually know if you’re in love with the person you’re dating? We have some thoughts. Post continues after video.

Video by MMC
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I don’t think that’s the case here. Your question and tone seem to be coming from the right place, which makes me think you have self-control. I’d write this off as a playful fantasy and enjoy the adventure.

That said, I would try to avoid two things: Telling your boyfriend and taking the fantasy out of the bedroom. If your boyfriend finds out, he’ll become jealous and self-conscious. He doesn’t need to know about it. If your fantasies transition away from just sex and onto romantic situations, you’ll want to reevaluate what those fantasies actually mean.

Both, I’m afraid, would likely lead to the end of your relationship.

I have a feeling that this is just you overthinking things a bit. Park this fantasy in the same folder as your university professor and your best friend’s dad. The “Naughty & Never Going To Happen Which Is Why It’s So Damn Fun” folder. You’ll get over being awkward around him when he’s replaced in your dreams by your sexy co-worker in the coming months.

Do me a favour though. Next time you write in, would you mind sending in a photo of the attractive brother? It would really help me with, um, the research.

For more from Sean Szeps, read:

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