sex

Sex experts answer the 8 most Googled sex questions Australians are asking.

Raise a metaphorical hand if you’ve ever had a question about sex. Don’t worry, no one can see your hand in the air.

Whether you’re single and dating, single and not dating, in a new relationship or have been with your partner for yonks, there will always be burning sexual questions that need answering.

In those times of need, we often turn to Google (*types ‘does a penis go into a vagina’ into search bar*). Only thing is, the answers Google thoughtfully finds for you aren’t always the most helpful. Or human.

So, we decided to ask sex and relationship experts to give us useful, honest answers to the eight most Googled sex questions Australians are searching. Not including ‘why does Pornhub keep buffering?’

Our three experts are:

  • Samantha X – high-class escort, author, journalist, madam and sexpert.
  • Chantelle Otten – ESSM EFS certified psycho-sexologist, sex and relationship therapist, and Director of the Australian Institute of Sexology and Sexual Medicine.
  • Sammi Cole – Lovehoney’s sex and relationship expert.

Keep scrolling for their answers below.

Side note – penetration isn’t the only way a woman can orgasm, find out more in the video below. Post continues after video.

Video by MMC

1. How to have sex.

Samantha X: “Have sex any way you like! There are no hard and fast rules – you do what you desire, want and/or need to get off. You need to know your body inside out, or get to know it before you assume your sex buddy can. The more you know about your body, the easier it is to communicate and guide someone else.”

Chantelle Otten: “Sex is an expansive term. If you want to learn how to have sex, you need to ditch the rule that sex is about penetration or orgasm. Successful sex is about variation, pleasure and sensation. People have sex in different ways depending on their capabilities and goals. I.e. Sex for heterosexual couples is different than same-sex couples. Sex for people with physical disabilities is different for those who don’t have a disability. But it is still sex! Take expectations and dated education, put them in the bin, and make your own rules about having fun and achieving intimacy.”

2. What is oral sex?

Chantelle Otten: “Oral sex is when you use your tongue, mouth or lips to suck, kiss or stimulate your partner’s genitals or anus. Men and women both give and receive orals sex, and it’s awesome when done well! The medical terms for oral sex are: Cunnilingus when performed on a woman. Fellatio when performed on a man. Anilingus when performed on an anus. Oral sex can be enjoyed on its own and made the entire sexual experience. Or oral sex can be just one part of the sexual agenda for the night. Remember, both partners must enjoy it and consent to it.”

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3. How to prepare for anal sex.

Sammi Cole: “Anal sex is enormously popular, but for some people, the preparation can seem a little bit intimidating. The first thing to do is make sure you’re comfortable, both physically and mentally. Have a shower or quick wash beforehand or, for a more thorough cleanse, some people like to use an anal douche to gently rinse out the anus and rectum.”

“The second thing to do is make sure that you’ve got plenty of lube on hand. Unlike the vagina, the anus only produces a very small amount of natural lubrication, and because it’s a tight area with a very delicate lining, you’ll need extra lube to prevent injury, increase pleasure, and reduce uncomfortable friction for both of you. Anal lubricants are extra cushioned and longer lasting for exactly these reasons. And relax! Lots of people think that anal is just going to hurt and there’s nothing that they can do about it, but it really shouldn’t be painful. Take things slow, work your way up from a finger or small toy to something bigger, and ensure that you’re communicating with your partner the entire time to let them know what feels good and what doesn’t.”

Chantelle Otten: “If you are having anal sex with someone else, the number one rule in any sexual situation is respect of boundaries. Have a conversation about pace and comfort. It is important to be relaxed, clean and in the zone. Maybe the first session will be playing around the back door. Fingers, mouth, toy, whatever you like, whatever brings you pleasure! Orgasming through outercourse first will also make you nice and relaxed before the penetrative act.”

“If you want to go further, try asking your partner to go through steps above with a finger or toy. If using an appendage, you can guide it into your bottom for control. Go slowly, and avoid wild thrusting (we are not in a porn scene). Communicate “Oh it feels good! Slowly please” or “not yet babe, I’m liking the outer play”. Remember, you are here to find pleasurable sensations. Anything inside your bottom will feel strange, there are a lot of nerve endings in there. But be patient and remember deep breathing. If it hurts back off a little bit, or stop altogether until you are ready to try again.

“Every anal sex receiver will be a good judge of whether they should be backdoor active that day. Communication should help avoid any messy situations or clean up any situations with a laugh. Make sure any fingers that are touching that area are washed before touching other genital areas or face etc. It’s also a good idea to use a condom if you are unsure of STI status prior to the romp.”

For more info and advice on anal sex, get the anal sex episode of the Sealed Section podcast in your ears. Post continues after audio.

4. How do lesbians have sex?

Chantelle Otten: “Lesbians have sex like everyone else, however, lesbians usually don’t have a penis. This confuses people about lesbian sexuality… how can they have sex if there is no penetration? Well, like everyone else who has sex, there is sexual variety and different positions that are enjoyed. Sex is not about penetration, it’s about fun and pleasure! There can be humping (rubbing back and forth on each other, pelvis to pelvis), oral sex, fingering, squirting, scissoring, strap ons, and other sexual pleasure toys. Again, it’s about pleasure and variation.”

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Samantha X: “Lesbians have sex any way they want to! They are lots of ways to have sex without a penis. Oral sex, using vibrators or rubbing against each others’ vaginas as well as using tongues, fingers, stroking and caressing.”

Sammi Cole: “Just as with “sex” as a general term, woman-on-woman sex can cover a whole variety of activities depending on personal preference. Some popular acts include oral sex, “tribbing” or “scissoring” (which involves rubbing the vulva against the partner), and strap-on play using a dildo in a harness, as well as many other activities.”

5. How often should you have sex?

Samantha X: “The first mistake you can make about sex is assuming everyone else is having a better sex life than you. There are no hard and fast rules regarding when and how often you should be having sex. In fact, let’s remove the word ’should.’ You have sex whenever you damn well feel like it. Some people want it five times a day, others once a week, once a month or a few times a year.”

Sammi Cole: “There’s no such thing as a one-size-fits-all number when it comes to frequency of sex. As long as the sex you’re having is satisfying you and your partner, that’s all that matters!”

Chantelle Otten: “There is no special number. I would aim to have sensuality, intimacy, passion and skin on skin time as often as you can. But don’t put pressure on yourself to be sexual a certain number of times a week… how clinical can you get? This just puts too much pressure on things. Try and incorporate eroticism instead – wear lingerie when cooking dinner, shower together. Get creative and you’ll feel satisfied.”

6. How to increase sex drive.

Samantha X: “Take your mind off sex! I think the more you obsess about sex, the less you will feel like wanting it or the bigger deal it becomes. Relax about the whole issue, stop thinking ‘I should be wanting more sex.’ There is nothing less sexier than pressure! Exercise, eat well, stop drinking, feel good about your body inside and out. Connect to your partner, kiss and cuddle and have plenty of foreplay. And it will come back. If you are having serious issues, your doctor will be able to check your hormones.”

Chantelle Otten: “Learn about how to prioritise time for sensuality. In a way, take the ‘act’ of sex off the table and focus on inhibition. Start by learning how to make time for pleasure. Focus on giving your partner a back rub, or ask them to softly scratch up your neck. Stop thinking about having to be turned on or the actual act itself and just having time to tap into your senses. Sometimes touch, heat, smell and sound could lead to arousal, which, if you give yourself permission to have space and time to be aroused, can lead to desire. Let go of inhibitions.”

“Other ways to increase sex drive include:

  • Cut down on stress
  • Eat aphrodisiacs, a.k.a foods that increase your sex drive (red wine, 70 per cent chocolate, oysters).
  • High-intensity exercises (get the heart rate up) is scientifically proven to help erectile dysfunction alongside body image, mood stability.
  • Good communication and emotional intimacy with a partner.
  • Making time for intimacy and yourself.
  • Ditch bad happens (a.k.a try sex before Netflix, not after).
  • Get sex therapy.
  • Assess your medications and effect on sexuality.”

Sealed Section go into more detail about mismatched libidos and how to increase your sex drive below. Post continues after audio.

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7. How to masturbate.

Sammi Cole: “Just like the way you have sex, the way you masturbate is completely a matter of individual preference (as well as something that’s likely to evolve over time). But if you’ve never tried it before, put some time aside that’s free from external distractions and get to know your body a little better! Don’t think you have that kind of time? What about in the bath or shower, where you’ve got a lock on the door and running water to mask any sound you may make?”

“Experiment with different methods of touch – stroking, flicking, tapping, rubbing, tugging, and massaging can all produce pleasurable sensations, depending on how hard or softly you do it. Once you know what you enjoy, and where you enjoy it, you can share that knowledge with a partner for even better sex, or go shopping for a sex toy that will amp up the experience.”

Chantelle Otten: “Masturbation is a safe and healthy way to explore your body and your sexuality, but also has many health benefits such as stress relief, endorphin production, sleep aid and a release of sexual tension. It’s also a great way to explore your erogenous zones. Please don’t feel ashamed for wanting to try it. For men: Try putting a silicone lubricant on your hand and place your hand around your penis. Stroke your hand up and down your penis and experiment with the pressure of your grasp and the rhythm of the stroke. There is no limit to the ways you can explore the use of your hand on your penis. And when in doubt, stay consistent with your stroke until you reach climax. There are also different sex toys that can provide different masturbation sensations.”

“For women: it’s a good idea to use a mirror to look at your vulva and find your clitoris – sex-ed is regulated to be medically and scientifically based and focuses on reproduction, which means women (and men) don’t learn about female pleasure. Try putting lubricant or spit on your fingers and rubbing around or just above the clitoris in rhythmic circles, experimenting with types of touch and pressure. It might feel weird at first, but give it a few goes to find your groove and don’t aim for anything except finding nice sensations.

“Once you find something that feels good, stick with it. You might start feeling a build up of pleasure and a release, and then strong wonderful sensations, orgasmic sensations. You can also try putting your finger inside you, once you’re lubricated. Or purchasing a good internal vibrator and a clitoral vibrator to bring different experiences. There is no one-size-fits-all when it comes to masturbation. You can practice regularly and feel something different every time.”

8. How to use sex toys.

Sammi Cole: “You can get sex toys with so many different functions and for so many different body parts that there’s no single way to use every single one. But whatever you choose to try, whether it’s a petite, beginner-friendly bullet vibrator or a contoured glass dildo, make sure that you take your time, experiment with the different functions, and – wherever you’re using it – add lube for extra-slick and sensual sensations.”

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