'My partner and I weren’t sexually compatible. Now we can’t stay away from each other.'

Picture the best date you’ve ever been on, then think of something even better – that’s how I felt the first time I met my partner. We seemed to vibe on every level. Our conversations were the perfect mix of flirty and fascinating, they were gorgeous, and they weren’t trying to push my boundaries. 

Fast forward to the bedroom and… yikes. 

All of that perfect chemistry was gone. We couldn’t seem to get a rhythm and, to be completely honest, it wasn’t enjoyable. 

But they were amazing in every other way, so what’s one night of bad sex? I decided to pursue a relationship with them, but the sex didn’t get any better. We both knew we were sexually incompatible, and that something had to change. 

A couple of months later, I was having the best sex of my life. So what changed?

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Before we talk about fixing it, we need to understand what sexual incompatibility is. It’s not just bad sex – that’s normal, especially for new partners. Sexual incompatibility, on the other hand, is when you and your partner have conflicting sexual desires, kinks, needs, and preferences that make it tough to enjoy each other.

When I talk with my clients about sexual incompatibility, they’re often willing to ignore it because it’s “just sex”. However, sex affects the way you feel about each other, even if it takes years for the dissatisfaction to boil over, and it will boil over eventually. 

Whether we want to catch feelings or not, sex is an emotional act for most of us. This is more intense when we enjoy it, which deepens the emotional connection with our partner. In short, sex can either improve your emotional relationship or create a rift in it.  

Sex also helps you build intimacy with your partner (yes, intimacy is more than just sex). Your partner should be someone you can feel vulnerable, naked, and wholly open with. If you take away that naked intimacy, there’s a good chance you’ll start to close off in other ways too. 

When you close off from your partner, even in small ways, it can hurt your ability to communicate. I know you’ve heard it before, but I’ll say it again: you have to communicate if you want to have a good sex life. In fact, you have to communicate if you have to have a healthy relationship at all. 

The easiest way to get to the root of your sexual incompatibility is to talk about it, even though talking won’t always solve the problem. Every relationship is different, but some issues are common. 

For example, I needed my partner to be more dominant. I’m not talking BDSM (though that isn’t strictly off the table) – I just needed them to take the lead and be a little rougher. 

That was a no-go for them at first, and it wasn’t even the only problem. To make things worse, their issue was the total opposite; they wanted me to initiate sex more often and show more interest. 

You can imagine how those two things might conflict. I mean, if the sex is bad, why would I want to initiate it? On top of that, it felt like we never connected during sex. They were pushing against me, not moving with me. I was receiving sex – not participating in it. 

Aside from my own experience, there are several causes of sexual incompatibility. You might have a different libido than your partner, which can make sex feel too rare or too common. You may get spontaneously aroused, while they only get aroused when sexual things happen.  

Maybe you both want to feel submissive or dominant. Maybe they aren’t into the toys you love, or you aren’t into the roleplay they want to try. Sometimes you might go for days, weeks, or months without being in the mood while they’re chomping at the bit. 

It could be that certain medications, like antidepressants, are messing with your sex drive. Or maybe your partner keeps skipping the foreplay and isn’t getting you in the mood. Whatever it is, you have to know before you can work on it. 

Once my partner and I identified the problem, we didn’t start having magical sex the next day. You have to decide whether or not your sexual compatibility can be fixed, and that’s different for everyone. 

For desires, it’s tough to know what you should try and what you shouldn’t, though you should never feel pressured to do something you don’t want to do. On the other hand, the only way to unlock new parts of your sexuality is to try new things, so you can’t avoid everything you aren’t immediately into. 

If that sounds like a tough line to walk, it’s because it is. I tell my patients to treat it like food. Until I was twenty, I hated sushi (I know I know, who doesn’t like sushi?) I’d tried it once when I was younger and it made me gag, but I tried it again later with some friends and it grew on me. 

Now I can’t get enough sushi. People’s tastes evolve over time, so it’s important to keep an open mind. Does that mean I’d ever try eating a hot dog off the ground? Hell no. 

Basically, you need to meditate on your feelings and decide whether or not trying to please your partner is like a California roll or an asphalt sausage. This should go both ways. If your partner insists you try something for them, but they won’t try something for you, then it’s probably not going to work out. 

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My partner wanted to experiment with choking. I hate being aggressive, so I was hesitant, but after some research, it seemed safe. That made our sex amazing. 

Then they suggested voyeurism (doing it in public), which was a hard no for me. I know they still have that desire, but we don’t have to go there to have a healthy sex life.

Libido is another conversation. Your sex drive will change throughout your life, so it’s almost guaranteed that you and your partner will be out of sync at some point. There are a few things to consider if you want to fix this problem. 

First, you should set a reasonable goal for sex. Once per week is proven to be beneficial for relationship happiness, but you should find what works for both of you. Make sure you set aside this time with no distractions, do not skip foreplay, and make it a date night if possible. 

Prioritizing sex is crucial for a healthy relationship. This doesn’t mean your relationship is about sex, it simply means you both make an effort to maintain physical intimacy. 

If you haven’t already, try new positions. I can’t even count how many times a client has said they don’t enjoy sex, only to reveal that they barely ever switch out of missionary. Missionary is a fantastic position - it’s just not the only one. 

From pleasure to power dynamic, switching positions can change everything about sex. I also encourage couples to try watching porn together, experiment with new toys, or practice sensual massages. 

You also need to make sure the bedroom isn’t the only place you’re intimate with your partner. Closeness is the whole point of having a partner, and that should extend to heartfelt texts, kisses goodbye, butt squeezes in the kitchen, and genuine effort to listen to them throughout the day. 

It may seem irrelevant, but all of these things affect how you feel about them in the bedroom. 

This feels obvious, but few people do it. Talk during sex! Talk before and after sex. Talk about what you like or don’t like. Tell them they’re moving too fast or too slow. Use your hands and guide them if you have to!

Sex is definitely complex, but it’s not calculus. If you and your partner make the effort to teach each other about your bodies and what you like, then you’ll learn to have better sex. If all else fails, never be afraid to seek professional health from a sex therapist – that’s what we’re here for. 

Whether you’ve just met your partner or have been with them for years, sex never truly gets perfect; but it can always get better. Even if you haven’t said the L word yet, successful relationships (and sex lives) are built on a combo of love, trust, and commitment. 

You need to love your partner in a way that makes you want them emotionally and physically. You need to trust that you can communicate with them openly and they’ll do the same. You need to be committed to the time it will take to change things for the better. 

Did my sex life improve overnight? No, but I don’t regret the months we spent working on the problem together – especially since it’s amazing now. 

Image: Canva + Mamamia.