MONTY DIMOND: 'I'm a mum of three boys. Having my third child has pushed me over the edge.'

Three children with male appendages reside in my home, so I’m a mum of three boys. I often hear other mums of all boys say, "I hate when people feel sorry for me because I have all boys" and... I do not relate to that at all. Having three of them is intense, send me all the condolence cards.

My eldest is 12, and the youngest is three so we have puberty and potty training happening under the same roof.

Here’s the thing, more than one or two kids is a lot. Dare I say, too many.  

The third boy has pushed me over the edge. I used to be hot, with bouncy locks and outfits people would compliment me on. Now, I could cook fish and chips in the amount of oil that resides in my hair and my go-to outfit is a stained-off whitey/grey t-shirt because I have no energy to separate my coloureds and whites.

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Besides the utter exhaustion, one of the main reasons for the slight regret of breeding the third is there are way too many mouths to feed. They are constantly opening their gobs requesting more food and the bank account doesn't like the amount they consume at all. Cozzie livs with three kids is real. Without a doubt, our biggest expense is the weekly shop, which isn't weekly at all but daily because they guzzle all the milk, devour all the bread and want to nibble on the school snacks outside of school hours which makes running a household with three kids ridiculously pricey!


As the CEO of Kellogg's (who earned about $5 million last year) said, "Cereal for dinner is something that is probably more on trend now." I'm tickled pink my family is so trendy. A bowl of warm Weetbix with a few sticks of cucumber on the side (to get the greens in) is served frequently in our abode. Cheap, cheerful and fills the tums.

For those of us with young tots, you need to sprinkle in childcare fees, which on average in Aus is $129.15 a day. A DAY! You always end up having to take a day off work because one of the many kids is always crook so slap on the doctor's fees as well. Plussss there are all the extra-curricular activities the cherubs want to try out. Every time one of them says they want to partake in a new sport, my support is accompanied by a forced smile and a cash register sound effect going off in my head.

Also, why do kids manage to get the sole of their shoes to detach or have a toe sticking through the top of their $100 Nikes every second week?

You want your kids to be able to have all the things, all the fun-sized snacks, soccer lessons and art classes they desire but it comes at a cost, literally, physically and mentally.

Sometimes when I walk past a pregnant woman in the street with a couple of kids already by her side and a belly full of baby, my internal thought is "Poor thing, you have no idea what lays ahead." I envy my friends who stopped at one, even two, they were smart. They must have known deep down that if you have three, you are more than likely going to go slightly bonkers at some point.

You can pick a mum with three plus kids because although she is constantly completely cooked, she is also a well-oiled machine; she has to be. You can also tell because her car is an absolute pigsty, full to the brim of empty chip packets and smooshed in choc chips that have fallen off a muesli bar during one of the many pickups and drop-offs that happen daily. Her regrowth usually gets pushed to the max because splashing a few hundred bucks on a refresh feels a little too lavish.


Monty's third son. Image: Supplied.

I'd obviously never send the third darling back, he did indeed complete the family and the joy and giggles are plenty, but having any more than two kids should come with a serious warning. A warning that you will be totally beat and broke 99 per cent of the time.

Feature image: Supplied.

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