Sex: The one side effect of antidepressants I wasn't prepared for.

I’m on antidepressants. I’ve been on them for years. 

I remember the exact moment when I finally decided to try them. I was sitting in my GP’s room in Fitzroy, Melbourne. Unable to control the tears that had been catapulting down my face for what felt like an eternity. I was raw, my nerve endings exposed, my coping abilities worn down to a thin, scrappy veil. I’d been going to therapy for a short while, but therapy is a long-term fix and it wouldn’t work alone, yet. I needed something faster that would get me on track before I lost my job or fell deeper into the darkness. 

So, despite my doubts (antidepressants were taboo for me growing up), I began sertraline, an SSRI, as a ‘temporary fix’; something that would lift me up just enough so that the rest of the work I needed to do, like get out of bed each day, wouldn’t feel so damn hard. 

And, it worked. 

Watch: How are women really having sex these days? Mamamia asked 1000 women and they told us. Post continues after video.

The internal storm subsided after I began my prescription, and though my depression and anxiety were still there, they were muffled by sertraline. Once they kicked in, I could start taking care of myself again, I could keep up with my therapy and do all the hard work that was needed – all because of a tiny little pill I was taking each day. 

That being said, there were side effects. 

Most people will experience side effects on antidepressants and may have to change types a few times until they find the one that works best for them. I moved from Sertraline (an SSRI), to Venlafaxine (an SNRI) just 6 months ago for that reason. 

One side effect I was really worried about was losing my emotions altogether. I know it’s extreme, but there are many myths about what antidepressants can do to a person, the main being that they can turn you into an emotionless zombie. 

Gratefully, after patiently waiting for my emotions to disappear, it never happened. I am still my emotional self and I definitely still cry (a lot). Surprisingly, I’ve continued to feel almost all my emotions strongly. 

All, but one. 

Horniness: I’ve lost it. 

As it turns out, maybe those myths about antidepressants creating ‘feelingless zombies’ aren’t completely untrue. But rather than referring to our minds, what they’re actually referring to is the feelingless zombie that is my vagina. A cold, emotionless monster. Not something you’d want your vagina to be named after, is it? Alas, the similarities are currently uncanny. 

In my antidepressants defence, I was never someone with the highest libido, it was average at best. 

There’s also that little thing called ‘past trauma’ (a story for another time, perhaps) that has never helped my relationship with sex. Antidepressants merely pushed me over the edge to the ‘almost no libido at all’ zone.

Listen to this episode of Sealed Section. Post continues after podcast.

A relationship with different libidos. 

Now, it’s time I tell you the real kicker, I’m engaged. To another human being. A wonderful human being with an active, healthy libido. 

What does this mean? When two people with different libidos love each other?

For me, it means guilt. And, so much shame. Through no fault of her own, my partner, Sarah, is unbelievably supportive and kind and has never once pressured me to do anything I am not comfortable with. But, that doesn’t stop the omnipresent guilt that haunts me. 

Often I feel inadequate, embarrassed, and unworthy of her love.

The attraction is there, the love is there; everything I could ever want is there. The stirring in my pants is what’s missing. 

The weight of that fact is so heavy on my heart because I know it’s not something I can change. If I were to come off my antidepressants, the negative impacts would far outweigh the negative impacts of having a low libido. Consequently, I’m left with the same question each time I think about the subject, ‘How can I fix it?’

Spoiler alert: it doesn’t need fixing because it is not broken. 

It’s changed my relationship with myself.

Okay, I’ve never been the most sexual person in the world, as I’ve already said. My idea of a naughty night includes snacks, TV, more snacks, and comfy pajamas – maybe even a glass of wine if I’m feeling crazy. When I did go out more often, I went out to watch bands play, and to drink with friends rather than to hunt for a sexual partner. 

Despite this, before antidepressants, I saw myself more as a sexual being. The best way I can explain it is through my wardrobe. I used to enjoy wearing clothes that made me feel sexy, and now I don’t think like that at all. I even wrote an article about losing my personal style recently, not fully realising that maybe I had actually lost more than my personal style, I’d lost an entire part of me: my ‘sexy’ side.

I’ve had to come to terms with my new way of feeling in all its glory. 

In accepting this side effect, I’ve grown and developed in ways that have made the decision to go on antidepressants more than worth it. 

Sadly, there is no one person or thing that gets you to the point where I am now. It has taken time and extensive communication. So much communication all the damn time with my partner, my psychologist, and myself.

Through communicating with my partner, I’ve learned that intimacy is about more than just the physical act of sex. It’s about hugs, kisses, laughing, crying, and experiencing life together. It’s about actively choosing the other person each day, in whatever way that looks like for you both.  

On the darker days, the days when I tell myself I am not worthy because I lack the libido of others, I work through it using the skills I have learned through my ongoing therapy. 

And the most important thing is, now that I am older and wiser, I will NEVER. EVER. force myself to have sex if I’m not up for it, no matter what. It’s not healthy for anyone involved and this idea that you need to have sex a certain amount of times per week or month to keep your partner is trash. Let’s put it in the bin. 

Don’t get me wrong, when the horn dog does rear its head, I JUMP ON IT NOW, IMMEDIATELY if my partner is also keen. But, if she says no, or vice versa, there are so many (amazing) toys out there that are always there to step in.

Image: Supplied + Mamamia.  

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