An honest recap of 2022: The year everyone forgot how to behave.

They say that in the grand scheme of the universe, human life has only been around for the blink of an eye.

The Egyptians built the pyramids. The Romans fought in silly skirts. All the wars started by cranky white men who never learned how to compromise. All of it is so miniscule in the context of... everything.

But if we borrow that metaphor, the last few years have been that point in the blink where you realise you have something stuck in your eye. You use your finger to try to get it out but end up poking yourself in the eyeball, and then your impatient friend tries to help but they insist it's gone. 

But it's not gone.

It scratches and you can see it and it keeps moving and goodness this is an incredibly long blink, and then it happens: your eye eats it. 

From then on, late at night, you find yourself asking: where did it go? Did it come out in my snot? Or is it just part of me now? A weird, ambiguous speck of strangeness that means I'll never really be the same?

So. Yeah. That's what the last few years have been like. 

There were moments of 2022, however, where things started to look up. In the middle of the year, our Instagram feeds are full of people travelling to Europe (where there are unprecedented heatwaves). Succession and The Bear and Bad Sisters and The White Lotus make us believe in brilliant television again (although there are so many streaming services and it's all feeling quite expensive now that a bag of grapes costs $47). 

Awards show are back (and a grown man slaps someone and gets himself... banned). 

It would appear that way, yes. Image: Getty.

But let's start at the beginning. 

It's January 7, and the number of COVID cases worldwide has exceeded 300 million. So many of us have had it with small talk questions like, 'wot variant do u reckon u had?' and 'was it just me or did u feel weirdly connected to the bat when u were sick?' (Yes).

You hear stories of young, healthy people who have had it 5 times already and no offence but where have you been and can you stop licking things. 

At the end of January, Ash Barty wins the Australian Open to become the first Australian woman to win the title in 44 years. For a moment, we feel exceptionally proud to be Austra...

Oh.

Before we can finish that thought, Scott Morrison has weaseled himself on to 60 Minutes and is giving an impromptu musical performance. He forces poor Jenny to do backup vocals and it's exactly like the scene in Step Brothers where the family start harmonising in the car except ScoMo forgets the words and he's also terrible.

'Wow Scott you should go on The Voice.' Image: Channel 9.

Speaking of crimes: war. 

On February 24th, Russia invades Ukraine causing Europe's largest refugee crisis since World War II and global food shortages. We feel silly for being so focused on COVID for the past few years when the truth is that things can be awful in new, different ways. 

The east coast of Australia experiences one of the worst flood disasters we’ve ever had on record, but surely it's just a freak of nature, one-off event. 

In unrelated news, the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) releases a report that finds many of the impacts of climate change are on the verge of becoming "irreversible".

Cool.

In March, cricket legend Shane Warne dies, and for 35 seconds we stop bickering and the whole internet agrees on something: that it is sad when a person dies.

But hush now because it's time to fight about OnlyFans. 

On Married At First Sight, Olivia discovers Domenica has an OnlyFans and shares her nudes with the group without her consent. 

It births the following award-winning interaction.

Preparing to confront Olivia, Domenica knocks on her door. When she answers, Olivia says, "hello, how are you?" and Dom shouts, "THAT'S IRRELEVANT," and if we could just respond with that every time someone greeted us with a pleasantry life would be a whole lot better.

'How rude'. Image: Channel 9.

The problematic television continues, with the infamous Oscars Slap. 

At the Academy Awards, comedian Chris Rock makes a joke about Jada Pinkett’s Smith alopecia, and a little-known man named Will Smith stands up and slaps him, sparking one of the most viral moments in history. Precisely everyone makes a statement – from Boris Johnson to Liam Payne – and it’s like okay I don’t want to be alarmist but there’s a LITERAL WAR going on.

In April, actor Johnny Depp takes his ex-wife and fellow actor Amber Heard to court for a complaint of defamation and no matter who wins, nobody wins. 

But two women in Britain didn't get that memo, and so Rebekah Vardy sues Coleen Rooney for defamation. The problem is that Rooney – the wife of a famous British footballer – had constructed an elaborate plan to expose Vardy – also the wife of a famous British footballer – for leaking stories about her to the press, and it... worked. Throughout the trial, text messages are exposed where Vardy calls Rooney a "nasty b*tch" and a "c*nt" and this is what the High Court should be used for, exclusively. 

Vardy loses but we thank her for her contribution to gossip. 

In May, there's the MET Gala, and like every year, we have lots of opinions on everyone’s looks from the safety of our stained pyjamas. Kim Kardashian arrives wearing a dress that was designed specifically for and made famous by Marilyn Monroe, and explains she had to lose a significant amount of weight to fit into it. She brags about being gifted a lock of Monroe's hair, and it feels weird, mostly because she has a lock of a dead woman’s hair.

Around the same time, Prime Minister Scott Morrison loses the federal election. Rumours swirl that he whispered in Jenny’s ear that he knew her backup vocals weren’t up to scratch and sweetie that’s not… why.

A lot of darkness seems to be bubbling away but we simply do not have the bandwidth to engage. Monkeypox. A recession. Something about interest rates. A cost-of-living crisis. All I know is my coffee now costs more than $5 and lettuce is very expensive but that is fine because I don't remember the last time I bought a lettuce.

In more important news, Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck have a tiny Vegas wedding where she re-wears a dress from one of her movies and for a moment, I think this might be the death of the over-the-top celebrity wedding. 

Then a month later, they have a three-day festival with 400 guests and JLo wears a Ralph Lauren dress with a 20-foot train. It costs almost half a million dollars. So. Not so chill. 

In September, the Queen dies and no one quite knows how to react.

On the one hand, the monarchy is a glaring symbol of unearned privilege and perpetuates class divisions and inequality, and the Queen represents a long history of violence, racism, slavery and just generally pillaging primarily non-white nations to create the British empire. 

But on the other hand, she was VERY cute. 

Unclear if calculating ruler or endearing Nan. Image: Buckingham Palace.

Also in breaking news, Adam Levine cheats on his wife, Behati Prinsloo, while she’s pregnant with their third child. A woman shares messages from the singer, but what shocks us most is the man is simply appalling at sexting. 

His messages were described as the Maroon 5 of dirty texts and why does that make perfect sense.

For months, all anyone can talk about is the drama around an upcoming film, Don't Worry Darling. 

In a nutshell, director Olivia Wilde is in trouble (??) because she's a feminist but cast problematic human Shia LaBeouf as her lead, before firing him but also making him think he quit. She replaced him with a man who happened to be her boyfriend, and whose acting credits included a few lines in Dunkirk. Florence Pugh – who is universally loved – seems pissed about precisely all of it, and also Chris Pine got spat on. 

“Do you know anything about ‘Don’t Worry Darling?’” — my mom, reading me the movie listings this morning at the start of what she assumed would be a brief phone call.

— Lila Byock (Parody) (@LByock) September 23, 2022

In November, a group of lions escape their enclosure at Taronga Zoo and guests are instructed simply to 'run,' which in hindsight feels like terrible advice. 

Meanwhile, Kanye West has been behaving unusually and right-wing commentators keep insisting he is absolutely not a Nazi but then Kanye goes on a podcast and clarifies, "omg I’m so sorry for any confusion I am absolutely a Nazi". 

It's a horrible time for humanity. 

And now we're almost at Christmas, having been gifted the greatest present of all: a six-part Netflix documentary where Prince Harry and Meghan Markle s**t all over the royal family. Now that's the Christmas spirit. 

Of course, there's so much more that punctuated 2022. 

Nick Cannon now has 87 children. Quietly we all stopped playing Wordle. Pete Davidson can't keep his d*ck in his pants. Kim Kardashian yelled that "no one wants to work these days," and then Scott Morrison mumbled that, actually, he held several secret jobs and all he got was an 'inquiry' that said he 'undermined trust'. So.

Let's raise a glass to 2022: the year that gave us excellent television and terrible world events. There may still be something stuck in my eye, but it's best to push those things into the depths of our souls, and never revisit them again. 

For more from Clare Stephens, you can follow her on Instagram.