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'My partner and I have sex with zero foreplay. Should I stay?'

Sex. It's one of the great big players in many relationships and punctuates the shared intimacy between two (or three?) people. But when it's good, it's good and when it's not good, ahem, it's... not good.

In a recent post to an online forum, one poster took to crowdsourcing some advice pertaining to her sex life.

The post read: 

"I'm seeing someone. It's been a [sic] 6 months so have dtd [sic] a lot of times. He's very good at actually having sex. But does absolutely zero foreplay. (I give him HJ/BJ) he just does not do hand or oral. I've never brought it up. And I don't think I will. I just wanted to have other people's opinion on if you would be fine with this. So good sex but no attempt at all to touch me."

In response, commenters had a fairly unanimous chorus of feedback that went a little bit like this:

"Sorry... how is that good sex?"

"You can defo find better sex and a better man."

"You're missing out on the full experience!"

After glancing over this post, it became clear that these commenters held one clear-cut view point: if your partner isn't performing foreplay, you need to leave the relationship.

Watch: Psycho-Sexologist Chantelle Otten shares sex tips for couples. Post continues after video.


Video via Instagram/chantelle_otten_sexologist.

But surely in the year 2023, that rigid approach to sex and partnerships is a little outdated? With all the incredible resources at our disposal these days, it feels in haste to throw the vibrator out with the bathwater, so to speak, before considering your options.

The original poster followed up with a couple of options she put to the board of public opinion:

"So should I attempt to teach him (which is a bit cringe after 6 months) or assume he just doesn't want to (and in which case consider ending things - eek)"

And what about a third option – communication?

For both partners to be seen, heard and, let's be honest, aroused, there needs to be a healthy amount of communication going on, renowned sex coach Georgia Grace told Mamamia.

As an experienced sex coach, Georgia Grace says this type of occurrence between two people in a relationship is very common and is something she often sees during her sessions. But, she says, there is no shame in asking for what you want.

"This is a really common concern that people have and it's a really common for people, when they're in a great relationship and the sex is really good, to assume that they shouldn't have to ask for what they want," she says. "In an ideal world, it would be really lovely if someone just knew exactly what to touch at the exact right time and do whatever your body wants you to need it. But that's just not how sex works, our bodies are so unique."

For anyone who is feeling like their sexual needs aren't being met, engaging in an "open pleasure dialogue" can be incredibly beneficial, and may help both parties discover what they need to feel satisfied.

She also says to have the conversation outside of the bedroom to help normalise this type of communication.

"I would often recommend having a conversation not directly before, during or after sex, but at a time when maybe you're at dinner or you're on a drive somewhere," she says. "It just kind of works to normalise how you like to be touched in the same way that you might normalise what you're going to order to eat at a restaurant."

Listen to Sealed Section, where Chantelle answers listener questions about exploring kinks and new things. Post continues after audio.


Once this level of communication has been established, a deeper understanding of how two partners feel satisfied during sex will open up a new layer of intimacy. Georgia Grace says taking that leap to open up the dialogue might seem daunting to begin with, but these clear and honest conversations can help ensure everyone in the relationship is sexually satisfied. 

She suggests the original poster engage in a conversation that goes a little something like this:

"Hey, I love having sex with you and I'm having the best time. The penetrative sex is the best I've ever had, however I would like to start experiencing new types of sex. I know that I really love when someone goes down on me, or it feels really orgasmic for me when we take time to build arousal in the body. A lot of women need external stimulation in order to climax so I'm wanting to explore more of that with you. How would you feel about trying that?"

So, going back to the original forum post, on paper it might look like the relationship is bust, however, upon digging deeper, there is scope for exploring alternative solutions. Sure you could try waiting to see if things improve – although you run the risk of quite literally never receiving that foreplay you so desperately crave. 

Communication is one of the most powerful tools couples have at their disposal, so use it! Having clear and honest conversations about what you need to feel sexually satisfied can only lead to clarity and – fingers crossed – a happy ending for all.

Feature Image: Getty.

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