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'My pregnant wife looked through my phone. Now I'm divorcing her.'

What would you do if your partner looked through your phone?

It's a dilemma many have likely faced in their relationships

The problem, however, becomes a wee bit more challenging when hormones – a lot of them – are added to the mix.

Alas, we saw this exact situation play out on Reddit when a young man asked people in the popular "Am I The A**hole" forum if he was in the wrong for wanting to divorce his pregnant wife after she looked through his phone. 

Watch: The Science Of Cheating. Post continues below. 

Video via Mamamia.

In the now-viral post, the original poster said it all began when his wife started making "snide comments" that inferred he was having an affair.

"I thought she was teasing me so I mostly ignored her or laughed with her. I didn't know she was actually serious. Then she was getting more irritated and arguments increased," he wrote. 

"In one argument, I asked her what her problem was, and she told me I was cheating. She started telling me all the time I was late [home] from work, or how I was staring at a woman in the park."

He continued, saying that despite trying to resolve her doubts and offer to pay for therapy, their relationship was still on rocky ground. 


"Then she started demanding to see my mobile phone. I was like, 'Nope. I don't have to do it.' I never asked to see her phone, by the way. She told me that if I had nothing to hide, I should do it.

"I told her I should not have to give proof of my honesty to her."

Tension only escalated, and eventually, he gave his wife an ultimatum: She could look at his phone, but if she did, they would divorce.

"She checked my phone and I just went numb. Of course, she found nothing. I never cheated and I don't plan to ever cheat. I told her I would move out and we could figure out the rest," he continued.

"She freaked out and tried to apologise but there was no going back. Now she is blaming it on pregnancy hormones saying she was having dreams I was cheating. I understand that, but she should have trusted me, I don't have to provide proof, it should be implicit, otherwise why marry me?

"If she was having bad thoughts, we could just talk it out, go to therapy. She should not have put me in this position – it's very insulting that my wife wants proof of my fidelity. She thinks I am the kind of person who will cheat on his wife... pregnant wife, on top of that."

Mamamia consulted Nahum Kozak, a senior psychologist at Lighthouse Relationships, for his advice in this sticky situation. And interestingly, he feels the blame didn't rest firmly on the shoulders of the wife or the husband. 

Instead, he says the pair were simply "two hurting people who don't know how to respond to each other's pain".


With 15 years of experience working with couples, there's not much Kozak hasn't seen. Which is why he has a pretty strong hunch about what went awry for the pair.

In terms of the wife believing her husband was cheating on her, Kozak says it was clear the couple had poor communication skills.

"And it's on both the wife and husband's side actually," he explains to Mamamia. 

"It is hard for her partner to hear and understand empathetically if things are being framed as an attack on his character."

But on the husband's side, Kozak feels he wasn't much better.

"He did not help with communication but instead moved to being self-righteous and defensive," he explains. "It would have only convinced her more that she was onto something. Instead of moving straight to setting the record straight, what a good communicator would do is try to understand their partner's pain."

Kozak advises couples facing similar situations to have compassion, as research does show pregnant women are more likely to experience stress, fear and "irrational" emotions.

"Pregnancy certainly has an impact on, well, everything, and does need to be considered. When someone is making a brand-new human inside them, it puts a strain on every resource they have, from being able to move around to being able to think things through as deeply as usual," he tells Mamamia.

"If there is ever a moment to assume the best of your partner or lean into their vulnerability, pregnancy is definitely the time."


Kozak also believes that couples like this should employ the Calm, Gentle, Commitment approach.

Here's what that means:

Calm: Science shows us that when we are 'flooded', we are not effective communicators, explains Kozak. These are moments when our heart rate increases, our breathing changes, and we might get shaky or sweaty hands. If you get flooded, take a break and come back to it calm. If we continue to talk while 'flooded', we will say things we do not mean – and perhaps make regrettable ultimatums like, "If you check my phone our relationship is over."

So, take a break until you feel calm, which is when the research says you can be more empathetic and a better communicator.

Gentle: Speak gently, without blame or character attacks. Use a calm tone and share your feelings and what you think you need. Listen gently, too. Ask questions to understand rather than getting defensive. Say things like, "I disagree, but I really want to understand your thinking here, could you help me understand?"

Don't slip into the self-righteous offence.

Commitment: Rather than attacking one another for misjudgements, we can show our commitment by knowing that, sometimes, we need to give the benefit of the doubt to one another, forgive one another, and be grateful to one another.

Instead of assuming the worst and launching into attack mode, share the full force of your fears and feelings without making an accusation.

Feature Image: Getty.

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