by ZOE FOSTER
I get emailed a lot of survey findings in my role as a journalist in the ‘health and lifestyle category.’
Some of them are fairly ridiculous, (2 in 3 women would rather chew gum than have breath that smells like old seatbelts!) and some of them are entirely ridiculous, (six out of six women have lips!) but some of them get me thinking. And then writing.
Like the one Nivea sent today, which was a ‘Skincare Secrets Report’ (conducted by Lonergan Research) in which it says that if Australian women discovered beauty secrets that made them look better than other women, most (94%) would share them.
Who on earth are these mischievous little plums that make up the other 6%? What do they know about looking good that we do not?
And WHY ARE THEY NOT SHARING THEIR BEAUTY SECRETS?
They’re not called beauty secrets because it’s literally a secret, you 6% dinguses! They’re called beauty secrets because it sounds much sexier calling arm waxing and microdermabrasion and applying green concealer a ‘beauty secret’ than ‘fairly common feminine maintenance.’
To be honest, I’m offended.
I’m offended that despite years of sharing cracking beauty tips after interviews with beauty heroes like Bobbi Brown (she of the eponymous brand) and Charlotte Tilbury (she who did Kate Moss’s wedding makeup) and Sam McKnight (he who essentially dictates international hair trends…. Like that messy, low side braid a few seasons ago) and then even writing a whole book on these very tips and passing them off as my own (don’t think about that too much; continue to think I am a genius instead please), this devilish 6% are hogging their beauty trickery from us.
Think about it: for all we know they might have the cure to dark undereye circles! Access to fake tan that doesn’t stink! Shampoo that means you needn’t wash hair for a month! A holy, Willy Wonka-esque cleanser that removes every trace of acne, pigmentation and wrinkles IN ONE USE.