I used 3 vagina 'skincare' products for a week. Here's what happened, er, down there.

If you've clicked on this article, it's likely that you are either intrigued or wholeheartedly confused about a) what vagina skincare is and b) what exactly it does to your vagina.

And you are not alone in that thought. In fact, it was the very thing that popped into my head when a shipment of 'skincare for down there' arrived on my desk.

Have a quick listen to The Undone, Mamamia's new podcast for figuring out your 20s. Post continues after podcast. 

I decided to put up a poll on Instagram to see who would be genuinely interested in hearing about the results of some serious vag care. 

Turns out 85 per cent of my creepy followers wanted all the details about what the heck this is and whether they should be putting it on their vulvas too. 

Image: @stowstow Instagram. 

Perhaps my favourite DM in response to the poll was this:

“I am so wholeheartedly against any products that claim to ‘clean’ your genitals. This makes me so mad.”

…

“...but like, does it smell nice?”

Seems there is a growing tension between ‘f**k the patriarchy trying to make me feel s**t about my genitals' and ‘I want my vagina to smell like a goddamn bed of roses’. 

So let’s explore that tension. With my own guinea pig of a vag.

Day One:

Funnily enough when you’re writing a story about vagina skincare, suddenly all you can think about is your vagina.

What does it naturally feel like? Smooth? Bumpy? Squeaky clean?

What does it naturally smell like? Fruity? Balmy? Musty?! Good god, I hope not. 

To be honest, I haven't thought about my own vagina in such depth for potentially forever. And you know you never ‘notice’ your baby toe, but then you think about it and suddenly you can feel it? Like all the blood is rushing to it and it’s now got stage fright? Well, that was happening with my vagina. It felt like there was a spotlight on it to perform this week. Poor thing. 

To ease into things I thought I’d try out the REVIVE Hydrating Mist first, as it looked like the least frightening of the range. 

Image: Fig Femme. 

I’ve used hydrating mists on my face before so I felt confident to proceed into vagina misting without properly reading the instructions. This was a grave mistake. 

You see, the bottle reads as follows: Intended for external topical use only.

And what I did was open right up and spray... err... internally.

Big mistake. HUGE.

There was a definite tingle-sting going on. Nothing burny, thankfully, but a definite hesitation from my body following me spraying it with a foreign mist that it simply didn’t ask for.

Day Two:

Now my lady bits have calmed down, it was time to throw another product on them. Today’s Everest: A vagina ‘Refresh Daily Wash’.

For anyone that knows me personally knows that I am utterly rubbish at keeping up a skincare routine. I barely cleanse my face, so the thought of cleansing my vulva on the daily seems like a LOT of effort. 

But that I did. This time I followed the instructions (yay for personal growth) and applied the foamy wash in the shower.

Image: Fig Femme. 

It was an instantly super-clean feeling to almost a squeaky clean level - almost like a cleanser that really tightens your skin.

Following the shower I took my freshly washed vag out for a stroll. 

I initially felt great, like that random confidence that comes when you wear actual matching underwear that makes you seem like you have your s**t together. 

...But things definitely deteriorated a little bit. That cleanness got really squeaky real fast. And I felt like my thighs and vag were suddenly foreign to each other. It wasn’t a terrible feeling, but it was a very distracting feeling. 

Day Three:

It’s vulva mask day folks. 

Yep, you heard that right. A vulva mask. 

If you ever wondered what the benefits of a vulva mask would be, then this is what Fig Femme (the creators of said vulva mask) have to say:

“Aims to strengthen the skin’s ability to defend itself from aggressors (goodbye pesky irritation), while doubling-up as your go-to, all-rounder vulva mask.  If it is a little self-pampering you are after, or assistance with texture, blemishes and rough skin caused by hair removal and ageing, this mask is for you.”

I heard the little ‘self-pampering’ shout out and got rather excited. I am known to convert my spare room into a mini spa sometimes when I’m feeling naff, so leaning into that felt like an exciting prospect.

I joyously ripped open the vulva mask sachet and was presented with this.

Image: Fig Femme. 

When holding up what can only be described as large, arseless soggy undies, I felt less fancy spa vibes and much more hesitation about what was ahead.

But, I am a committed journalist (can’t you tell?!) so I wasn’t giving up that fast.

I whipped off my undies, tucked my t-shirt into my bra, laid a towel down on the couch and wrapped myself up in this vulva mask. 

To give you a multi-sensory experience, the mask was chuffing cold and had a bit of a pong of yoghurt. Not in a nasty way, but just in a surprising way. Putting the mask onto my skin felt weirdly relaxing and quite boujie, but the process of just lying on your couch vag out and trying to be chill was harder than I thought it would be.

So I distracted myself. I popped on a face mask at the same time and lay back down on the couch in my no-doubt STUNNING double masked glory.

After the 20 minutes had passed, I pulled off the mask and (as per the instructions) massaged in the hydrating juices. I don’t think my vulva looked any different straight away, but it did feel refreshed and rather fancy.

Day Four:

Today my goal was to achieve the holy grail of vagina skincare. I would use the wash, the spray and the mask all in one rather frantic morning. 

I did the usual cleanser thing in the shower, before hopping out and whacking on the mask while brushing my teeth and sorting out my hair. I’m sure this was a gorgeous vision for any neighbours who happened to be walking past at the time. 

Once the mask had done its thing, I waxed it off and rubbed in the juices before giving the whole area a little spritz from the mist.

Listen to Mamamia's Overshare podcast, where Kelly, Flex and Lem discuss why you probably shouldn't have sex with a grapefruit. Post continues after podcast.

It’s only when you’ve used three products exclusively on your vagina that you realise that you don’t normally put anything on your vagina. And that’s with good reason. Your vagina is a self-cleaning queen and so doesn’t actually need anything chucked on it, rubbed into it or sprayed onto it. 

It’s quite happy just to come along for the ride and do whatever you’re doing with minimal attention paid to it. So, funnily enough using three products on it probably confused the heck out of the poor Shelia.

Watch: How well do you know your 'Lady Garden'? Post continues after video. 

Luckily for me, I had no adverse reactions to the three skincare products I used and that’s probably due to a combination of the fact I don’t have sensitive skin and Fig Femme are pretty damn natural with their ingredients. 

But I don’t think I’ll be weaving this much vagina skincare into my daily routine. Sure, it felt nice to ‘treat’ my downstairs to a bit of boujie TLC, but I would never classify cleansing, masking or spritzing my vagina as ‘essential’. 

Because it’s definitely, definitely not. 

Feature Image: Mamamia.