I was loved, respected and heard by my mother until I was twenty-five years old. Not a bad run compared to some.
I was the middle child but grew up being treated as the oldest. I was considered more sensible and mature than my older brother. I was favoured by my mother but didn’t realise this until I was older and the light didn’t shine on me anymore.
WATCH: “Bad mums” translated. Post continues below.
At least I was an adult when I suffered such rejection. My younger sister felt like it from the beginning. She has since taken the position as favourite. I bare her no bitterness. She should have had a more equal share growing up.
The unforgivable sin I committed was having an unplanned pregnancy. There was no morality judgement on marital status, age or position in life. It was just the fact that her daughter could be so stupid as to get pregnant accidentally. I went from almost daily telephone calls for chats to much less contact and questioning of every decision I made from then on.
I was twenty-five, living with my then-boyfriend (now husband). I was in a committed relationship, not a teenager, had travelled and been living independently since I was eighteen.
To my mother, the most terrible and foolish thing that could happen to a woman was getting pregnant accidentally. From that moment on nothing I said about any topic had any credence. She removed me as executor of her and my dad’s will and put my sister down instead.
It was such a shock to go from so high in someone’s estimation to being thought of as nothing.
My mother didn’t see children as a blessing. She did not coo over babies like most mums. In fact, she told us on many occasions not to have children. She insisted that she loved us, but don’t do it.
I am not a psychiatrist so am unable to classify someone as a narcissist… but I can pinpoint a few traits.
A narcissist sees their children not as independent people but as an extension of themselves. As this was the most terrible thing she could imagine for herself, she was deeply wounded that I allowed this to happen to me.
She was very judgemental of others. I grew up a people pleaser (very common for children of narcissists, or people with narcissistic traits). Up until then, I had done everything that she approved of in life.