It's short king summer.

Tall men are so 2023. I'm talking about you, Jacob Elordi.

Sure, you're so handsome that I cry sometimes just thinking of the sculpted shapes of your face. 

Yes, your Princess Diana-coded fashion is so delightfully unexpected that I've designed my dream man around you. 

And most importantly, your commanding height looms so large that I often imagine you carrying me on your back like a protective mother possum. 

But enough is enough. Height is actually overrated. 

There's something more exciting coming. There's something sexier.

There's something that will draw your eyeline a few inches down. 

The reign of short kings has begun. Just look at this year's Golden Globes, an awards show that Elordi suspiciously snubbed.

Short men are at the top of their game. Beginning with The Bear star Jeremy Allen White, who at a noble 5'7 has just won his second Golden Globe for 'Best Actor in a Television Comedy'. 

Notably, he beat out other popular picks Bill Hader (6'1) and Jason Segel (6'4) to claim the prize. 

This followed White breaking the internet (and my zoom key) by debuting his outrageously horny campaign for Calvin Klein. 


Yes, chef! A thousand times, yes chef!

In the companion category, an even shorter king Kieran Culkin, standing at a delicious 5'6, took home the Golden Globe for 'Best Actor in a TV Drama'. 

The Succession actor seized the chance to taunt his competition in his speech. "Suck it, Pedro, mine!" he chuckled. 

Sitting at 5'11, Pedro Pascal was Culkin's obvious enemy in the category, and our short king came out victorious. 

Despite the considerable buzz around Bradley Cooper's campaign to win a Golden Globe for Maestro, sadly he's 6'1. 


At a more accessible 5'7, it was Cillian Murphy who took away the award's most prestigious accolade, 'Best Male Actor in a Motion Picture'. Humble in nature and stature, Murphy's win marks the beginning of his predicted Oscars sweep.

Short king spring has sprung. 

Unfortunately for Cooper, this doesn't bode well for his awards season. If only he drank more coffee in his youth. Or perhaps, he could have hunched a little more when he walked. 

Then there's arguably the most talked-about actor in Hollywood right now: Barry Keoghan. 

That's five feet and six inches of sex on legs, right there. 

As the breakout star of 2023's most divisive film, Saltburn, Keoghan and his scene-stealing penis are having a real moment. 


If you're subscribed to a specific Saltburn algorithm of TikTok, then you'll probably be across just how many videos there are of Keoghan and his co-star and height nemesis, Jacob Elordi, together. 

Fans can't help but delight in their interactions, with one moment being heavily shared, as Keoghan sits on a high chair and gently taps Elordi to use his long arms to reach his ice coffee, and Elordi kindly obliges. 

There's just something so endearing about this moment, so much so that videos of the exchange have accumulated over 25 million views on TikTok. 

Video via TikTok/@@giogiorabbit.

The height difference between the co-stars has never been more evident. 

Elordi is big. Keoghan is small. And it's hot. 

Heterosexual women have been historically indoctrinated to believe that we should seek out a 'tall, dark, and handsome' man, but this is a massive disservice to ourselves. 


And men are just as conditioned as women – look no further than every guy on a dating app enthusiastically listing his height as over 6 feet. 

Height in men has long been a way that masculinity is measured. But societal sizeism aside, being a short king is not just about height – it's an energy, a quiet confidence, a charisma conveniently contained in a small package.

The aforementioned Golden Globes attendees aren't the only small-statured men having a moment. The '00s short king heartthrob Zac Efron (5'8) is enjoying a career revival with his leading role in The Iron Claw.

And of course, there's internet boyfriend and Zendaya's actual boyfriend, Tom Holland. At 5'6, there's no denying the actor should be credited for being a leading pioneer in the petite prince uprising.

The Golden Globes success stories follow a long line of sexy short kings, such as Tom Cruise, Ben Stiller, and the chicest short king of them all, Stanley Tucci. 

Things are looking up for shorties, a group of people most acquainted with others (literally) looking down on them. But the joke is on the rest of us, as in 2024 their humble heights demand to be celebrated. 

Call me a monarchist because all hail, the reign of the Hollywood short king. 

Feature image: Getty. 

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