reality tv

The Twins recap Married at First Sight: Precisely no girl wants to be told she's 'not ugly'.

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We open on the Real Slim Shady trying to show interest in his new wife Coco, asking what she's making for breakfast.

Suddenly, the genre turns from reality television to horror, as Coco dishes out spoonfuls of hummus onto toast and look we don't make the rules but that's a fckn weird choice. 

Even though three couples got married last night, expert Alessandra intends on matching more which feels almost like gambling when you're already in debt. 

First up is Alana who John Aiken introduces as: "A school teacher BUT she has quite a personality." 

WOT. A SCHOOL TEACHER WITH A PERSONALITY? WELL WHO WOULD'VE THOUGHT.

Alana explains she has to dress like a "nun," adding, "outside of school, I'm really comfortable with my sexuality". She goes on to make it explicitly clear that she loves pleasure from sex, and that the feeling she gets from sex is a good feeling, and look we just don't think your school principal is going to be comfortable with you talking about this on national television, but play on.

'But also my students. Who are 7.'

In an interview with producers, Alana is superimposed into a classroom that we can only assume is fake because there is no school campus in this fine nation that would allow Married at First Sight to be filmed there. 

"I have kids all day around me," she says, crying, "but I want some of my own..." and such a valid point because parents do get really possessive when you try and take their kids to live in your house with you full time. 

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LUCKILY Alessandra has found Jason, who also allegedly knows some children.

We see Jason playing with his two nieces who he speaks about lovingly, which ultimately begs the question: who is this third child and where are her parents?

'Uncle Jason I want a go on the swings but there's a stranger on there.'

Next up is Jo, a mother-of-three and a barber, who was definitely cutting John Aiken's hair when he planted the first seed about her appearing on reality television and upending her life.

She was left "broken" by a previous relationship which she describes as the "worst time" she's ever been through, and we just don't know if these fake experts are equipped to deal with this level of trauma. 

They match Jo with James who also has three children. He describes them as "the salt of his earth" which is the complete wrong use of that phrase but okay. 

'They're a block off the old chip.'

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HUSH NOW IT'S THEIR WEDDING DAY. 

As she gets her makeup done, Jo says she wants her husband to be wearing chinos and something casual. In his hotel room, James is putting on a Hugo Boss turtle neck and you can't write this s**t. It's genius. 

James says he wants someone who's "compassionate about his children," and again not quite there but we'll let it go.

It's at this point, as Jo walks down the aisle, that we notice an important detail. There are three people in attendance, and honestly, we're unsure whether it's because of COVID restrictions, or because the families involved were too ashamed to be a part of this mess.

Both options seem just as likely. 

And just as an aside... we'd like to acknowledge that there was a point in Australia's recent history where funeral numbers were restricted, real wedding numbers were restricted, you couldn't visit sick relatives in hospital, and yet strangers were getting fake married for the sole purpose of a reality television show and that was fine. 

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Can you imagine explaining that to the authorities. Can you imagine. 

But today isn't about mass injustices committed against the Australian people. Today is about Jo and James, and Jo's first comment is that James smells "delicious". Sweetie, that's the smell of money

While they make small talk, and establish that they both have three kids, the celebrant is impatient and keeps muttering under her breath: "This is an unnecessary risk. For all of us."

"Like is this seriously an essential service??"

It doesn't take Jo long to notice James' Rolex, and she comes close to politely asking if he purchased it at Kmart, or alternatively, from that special range at Target. We think maybe... no.

For the remainder of the ceremony, she can’t believe she has a husband, and no offence but you don’t. Legally. Or like, culturally. 

Meanwhile, Jason is getting ready to marry a stranger, and ffs watching people be nervous on television is profoundly boring.

"I'm s**tting myself," he says and eugh can you actually s**t yourself because it would give us something to... watch. 

When he arrives at his fake wedding to Alana, we notice that this time, the wedding has two guests. Plus Alana's two bridesmaids. Again, not sure if COVID restrictions or ashamed family. 

"I feel sick," Alana says before walking down the aisle and have you got a COVID test coz if you're having symptoms you can't take that lightly. 

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"It's almost like we have... symptoms."

Back at Jo and James' wedding, a total of five people are eating at the reception and it's horrific. James casually shares that he got a Lamborghini to their wedding and Jo doesn't know how to put this politely... but she doesn't think Channel Nine can afford that. It becomes clear that maybe the Lamborghini belongs to James, in which case maybe that Rolex isn't from a new Target collection.

Jo tells the camera James' lifestyle makes her feel like she's not good enough for him, and sweetie it's okay, we're allowed to say when we're being made to feel poor.

Over at Jason and Alana's wedding, things are deteriorating fast.

Jason is asked what he does in his spare time, at which point his father interjects with "DON'T ANSWER IT" and have you been doing murders Y/N?

Remember: You know nothing.

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He confesses he's been partying for four years straight and his dad sometimes has to pick him up from the gutter.

Alana is concerned that Jason hasn't been home since 2017 and might even be wearing the same shirt. 

He decides to make a speech to the four people in attendance and announces: "Mum, you are no longer the most important woman in my life, you'll have to settle for second." She's clearly like wtf you just met this chick you don't even know her name and she's never even once picked you up out of the gutter??

Finally, Alana confronts her new husband about the partying. Jason says he's over it and has been for years.

Did he go out last night? Absolutely. Is he still hung over? Yes. Will he be going out tonight? Bloody hope so. 

Just kidding but seriously, you keen?

FINALLY IT'S HONEYMOON TIME and remember when people could go to New Caledonia and Fiji hahahahahahahahhaha. Ah f**k. 

Bec and Jake are sent to the Hunter Valley and Bec doesn't want to be rude, but she reckons her partner is kinda... abysmally boring. Personality-wise.

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She complains that their conversations are very surface level, before remarking that the trees are tall. And you can't see the bottom. Only the tops. And then she recites a few tree facts and regardless of whether or not they're true, we're not (personally) watching Married at First Sight for tree advice?? 

Jake takes Bec's sudden enthusiasm for trees as a clear, unambiguous invitation for a romantic kiss and, yeah, she's offended. She turns her head before explaining, "we were literally talking about absolutely nothing!" which isn't strictly true. You were talking about the ageing process of trees. We were there. 

"I feel like Jake is trying to create something ungenuinely," she tells the camera, and no comment. From us. Whatosever.

They're watching.

Over on Brett and Booka's honeymoon, they've decided to have a 'spa bath' together, seemingly oblivious to the fact they're in just a normal hotel (perhaps even... motel) bathtub. It's not even particularly large. 

While giving Booka a massage, Brett sees the tattoo on the back of her neck and asks: "what does Ped mean?"

Booka exclaims that he is the first person to read that correctly in 12 years, and the word clearly says Ped we don't know who you've been hanging out with Booka but they're trolling you. It is wildly legible. 

But for John Aiken, everything is going a 'lil too smoothly. Which can only mean one thing.

ALERT ALERT. HONESTY BOX. ALERT. 

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There is no context in which an 'Honesty Box' is a) appropriate or b) helpful. And yet, here we are.

Drawing a question from the box, Melissa asks her new husband Bryce, "Am I your usual type?" which no person should ever ask their partner. 

Bryce responds, "I'll be completely honest, not 100 per cent. I usually go for blonde hair, blue eyes, tanned, probably someone taller..."

Bryce pls we beg of you to stop talki...

"When I first saw you, I thought OK not my type..."

Stop stop stopstopstopstopstopstopstopstop.

"But you have got blonde hair... [I thought] she's not ugly."

"Was that the answer you were hoping for?" he asks as Melissa audibly sobs, probably thinking about how she slept with this stranger literally last night. 

Eventually she asks him, "Are you here for the right reasons?" 

But that has crossed a line for Bryce. How utterly offensive. This is marriage-destroying s**t. 

Bryce becomes very upset and then Melissa has to apologise and this relationship is toxic and it's only been 24 hours. 

UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT. 

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