Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: WHO TOLD JOSH THIS WOULD BE FUN?

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It's the morning after the first commitment ceremony and our couples are feeling very committed. To each other, sure, but also to their own futures as Bondi Sands brand ambassadors.

Shannon, who I can only presume woke up still in love with his ex, says if his new fake wife had told him she was still in love with her ex, he would've left. 

And Janelle has had the night to process the alleged cheating between Adam and Claire, and what Lyndall said Adam told her about going home with Claire, and she's realised that maybe that is... concerning. A little.

She asks Adam if what Lyndall said was true, and he denies it because why would Lyndall's presence stop him from going home with Claire? and IDK THAT FEELS SUSPICIOUS.

I greatly appreciate Lyndall's new role as pot stirrer, but it'd be a weirdly specific lie.

And why would he not just say "it's not true because I didn't want to go home with Claire because I LIKE YOU AND WE ARE FAKE MARRIED?"

Janelle decides she believes and trusts him, lol, so they hug it out.

We check in with the other messy couples:

- Jesse wakes up feeling terrible about the carnage he caused at the commitment ceremony, and I know he went about it the wrong way but I don't want him to feel too bad because without him, the producers would've spent even more time on Harrison

- Melissa and Josh are still attempting to meet each other halfway, which culminates in Josh buying sourdough English muffins and nearly choking to death

- Bronte wishes she'd written 'leave' so she, but most importantly ALL OF US, could be done with Harrison

OOOH WAIT.

Bronte says Harrison texted her before the ceremony to say "I'm not leaving", then blindsided her with his decision on the couch in front of everyone.

Harrison says he didn't send that in a text because it actually said "I'm not going anywhere" and obviously there is a huge difference in meaning between those two sentences and OH MY F***ING GOD HE JUST SAID SHE IS GASLIGHTING HIM.

I AM SCRRRRRRREEEEEEAMING.

I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYONE WITH AS MUCH AUDACITY AS THIS MAN.

Basically

He says she's lying about what he said, to which she says he's putting words in her mouth, to which he says NO ACTUALLY SHE IS DOING THAT TO HIM.

Bronte says he's a gas lighter and a narcissist and leaves the apartment, while he yells "you just read out the words, they don't say what you said that they said" and CAN THIS MAN EXPLAIN THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN "NOT GOING ANYWHERE" AND "NOT LEAVING" BECAUSE I DON'T GET IT.

"That is textbook gaslighting, I'm sorry I'm not going to sit there and cop that," he says.

"All it is, is blaming me constantly for everything."

He is moments away from using the Shaggy defence.

"How could IIIIIIIIIIIIII forget that I had given her an extra key"

Okay. 

ENOUGH.

GET RID OF HIM.

It's Intimacy Week, and Alessandra has put together intimacy workshops for the fake brides and fake grooms.

Freak in the Sheets Melissa, for one, is stoked. 

Josh is too!

Alessandra shows the brides a selection of sex toys, which has Melissa saying "I like that one" and ex-Mormon Alyssa rather flustered. 

Melinda worries about sex toys setting them up for disappointment with an actual human, and Alessandra says that doesn't need to be the case because sex toys can't banter or kiss or give you compliments.

I hope that Josh, who has been mistaken for a human sex toy in the past, feels vindicated.

At the groom's workshop, Harrison arrives to 'teach Alessandra some things', and I don't think anyone who has ever actually pleasured a woman would say that????

They too talk about sex toys.

Josh says he's "never really needed an accessory" and OKAY, GO OFF MR NOT A HUMAN SEX TOY.

The conversation turns to butt stuff, and I have realised that there is no greater entertainment on his earth than watching men's faces during prostate-related chatter.

The only three moods

Alessandra roasts Australian men just generally - thanks Queen - and then tasks the dudes with planning an intimate date to woo their wives. 

Cameron's planning involves Googling something about fishing, which tells him a study found 50 per cent of women are attracted to men holding fish (who are these women and are you okay?) and that 'fishing' is a bad dating term, because everything is a bad dating term these days.

To all of it, specifically but also generally. NO

For his and Tahnee's Fiji-themed date night, Ollie spent $15 on helium for a palm tree balloon.

It is cute, but could've been more wisely put towards something that did not turn their floor into the Bananas in Pyjamas.

I need you all to know I laughed so hard that I cried while making this joke hahahahhahahhahahahha

Also:

- Dan and Sandy spend their entire existence complimenting each other

- Harrison planned a picnic date despite trying to gaslight Bronte into believing she was gaslighting him. In a surprise to no one, Bronte isn't keen, and he says it's gonna happen "whether she likes it or not" AND EXCUSE? ME? 

- Adam apologises again to Janelle for maybe cheating or maybe not cheating and she says "how much worse can it get?" HAHAHAHAH famous last words

- Jesse creates a fun bowling alley in his apartment for a date with Claire and everything in me says I shouldn't give him kudos for it but it's surprisingly thoughtful and a little cute I AM SORRY 

Later that night, Bronte is packing her bags, while Harrison is out on a solo date and clinking glasses with THEIR WEDDING PHOTO.

There's no point to this, I just thought it was funny

He says he's not alone because he has his wife with him, gesturing towards the frame, and I'm suddenly reminded of my brief obsession a few years back with people who marry inanimate objects.

At least the photo frame wouldn't gaslight him amirite?!

He says it's the best date he's had in a long time and I do not doubt it, because he didn't have to pretend to care about anyone else. 

And then I notice something even worse than whatever the hell this entire scene is:

WHY DOES HE HAVE A BACKPACK/SUITCASE HYBRID AND WHY DOES THIS GIVE ME A GREATER ICK THAN ANYTHING THAT HAS COME OUT OF HIS MOUTH

The narrator explains that Josh has organised an "inside the box" date for Melissa. 

NOPE NOT LIKE THAT GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF THE GUTTER, but also, maybe like that. 

Because he has gifted her a THOR'S HAMMER Lego set.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

It's wholesome, but I am somewhat distracted by Josh and Melissa yet again being framed by plants. 

It's giving 'nature documentary'

Alessandra visits Claire, who calls Jesse over so they can... hug. And they realise they like hugs. And they like hugging each other. Yay for hugs!

Everyone else is getting stuck into the sexy goodie bags from Alessandra, including Harrison who defiles a wand by using it to stir his coffee, Cameron, who lets a vibrator bounce around in his drawer, and Ollie and Tahnee, who use them for their intended purpose.

The next morning, Josh and Melissa wake up and Melissa is mad because Josh doesn't cuddle in his sleep.

Side note: imagine waking up with cameras at the end of your bed. How do we think this happens? They fight, producers find out and make them recreate it, right? If so, I rate Josh's acting skills.

Elsewhere, Jesse, compelled by the power of a good cuddle (sorry, Melissa!), visits Janelle and Adam to apologise once again for his behaviour the other night. But this apology is better than the last because he has come with champagne.

Adam calls him a "legend" and THEY ALSO HUG.

Before heading to bed, he visits Claire for more hugs and THIS MAN CANNOT STOP HUGGING.

Jesse is handing out hugs like he's Oprah

Uh oh.

The afterglow of block-based innuendo has worn off at Melissa and Josh's place, so they are once again yelling about their differing opinions on intimacy.

"YOU CAN HAVE SEX JOSH, BUT YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO LOVE."

What a line.

Melissa says she's going to speak her truth for every goddamn woman in the world and Josh says "OOOH HALLELUJAH" in a way that is SO FUNNY TO ME I AM CACKLING.

In his Jeff Buckley era

Melissa is blown away that Josh would suggest all she cares about is sex.

And not to be too ignorant of reality TV editing. But SHE HAS BEEN TALKING ABOUT LITTLE ELSE SINCE WE WERE INTRODUCED. I can see where he got that idea from! Just saying!

She says that her being more physical than him "de-mans" him, and that maybe her friends were right about Josh. 

"'Get married' they said," Josh says. "'It'll be fun', they said."

OKAY.

WHO SAID THAT TO HIM? SHOW YOURSELF. I JUST WANNA TALK.

Catch you tomorrow night!

Chelsea McLaughlin is Mamamia's Senior Entertainment Writer. For more pop culture takes, recommendations and sarcasm, you can follow her on Instagram.

Catch up on our MAFS recaps here: 

• Mamamia recaps Married at First Sight: When you 'cheat' in the very first episode.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: The groom who hates when women... speak.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: A brother tries to sabotage his sister's wedding.
  
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: CLAIRE IS A NATIONAL HERO.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: SIR, YOU CANNOT JUST PRETEND YOU DIDN'T HAVE SEX.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: Two red flags walk into a dinner party.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: This is what GASLIGHTING looks like.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: "I am not a f***ing disposable sex toy."
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: Two grooms make John Aiken VERY MAD.

Feature Image: Channel Nine.