Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: The groom who hates when women... speak.

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Lyndall and Cameron wake up together and cannot believe they're married, which makes sense because they're not actually married.

Meanwhile, Bronte and Harrison slept separately and yeah look, they're still not doing great after the murder mystery secret girlfriend drama that unravelled at their fake wedding reception.

Harrison says "parts of who I was before this experience" - so, literally two days ago - "kind of followed me into it... it's just a shame it got brought to light in such a negative way on my wedding day". He says he told the secret girlfriend who's not actually his girlfriend that it was over and Bronte says she's just got to trust that he's here to find love.

And it truly feels like that is the absolute last thing she should ever put her trust in.

This man is, objectively, not here for love.

I am screaming "RUN" at the top of my lungs but it does nothing because I am watching this through a TV screen, and it happened months ago, and actually we cannot dwell on this man and his outside girlfriend-but-not-a-girlfriend because there are other people John Aiken et al. must match with incompatible strangers!

We meet Sandy, who is a first generation Aussie with Punjabi parents, which means she's grown up bridging two cultures. She's never had a relationship and has decided that MAFS is something she wants to do for herself after years of people-pleasing.

"Even thought I'm 36, I feel like a 20-year-old in the dating world," she says. 

Better keep her away from Harrison.

She describes herself as driven, ambitious and independent which is exactly what her match, a man named Dan, says as well.

He talks about his business and wears a fancy watch. The subtext, that is actually very overt, is that this man is rich and important.

Doing important boss things!

Doing important boss things with a fancy watch!

Doing important boss things with employees!

Then we're re-introduced to Jesse, the man who hates women doing literally anything, who "has the potential to be the most polarising the experiment has ever seen".

I just feel like this show should stop trying to one-up itself with terrible men. Like, what's he going to do? Put his wife's toothbrush in the toilet? Body shame her at their wedding? Cheat on her and then re-enter the show with the woman he cheated on her with WITH JOHN AIKEN'S PERMISSION? BECAUSE THESE ARE ALL BAD THINGS THAT HAVE ALREADY HAPPENED.

Anyway, Jesse gets the ick very easily and hoy boy he has a list.

He hates:

- Girls who are addicted to their phones

- Social media

- Hustle and grinding

- Girls who call him "sweetie" or "hunny"

- "Chicks who are always talking"

AND THERE IT IS.

I'm going to recycle this from yesterday's recap because it was ahead of its time:

"Other voices are such an ick"

He continues and continues and continues and it's quite funny actually because there is no greater ick on this earth than this man.

The poor woman he is matched with is Claire.

She likes cars and is "unapologetically herself". She also talks, which may be a problem.

No Claire you don't understand that is one of your fake husband's DEAL BREAKERS

Anyway, it's time for Sandy tell her family about her upcoming fake marriage and we can't watch because her parents don't want cameras inside their house, which like, FAIR ENOUGH MAYBE THEY HEARD ABOUT THAT SEASON SEVEN TOOTHBRUSH SCENE.

I WOULDN'T WANT THOSE CAMERAS IN MY HOUSE EITHER.

An hour later, an emotional Sandy tells us it didn't go well, and this show isn't fun when we're watching actual family trauma!!!! Let's swiftly move on!!!!

Sandy and Dan arrive at their fake wedding and proceed to... not speak to each other.

One of Dan's friends keeps repeating that she DEFINTIELY WASN'T EXPECTING THIS and Sandy is NOT WHAT SHE WAS EXPECTING and I get we need SOMEONE to speak but THIS IS REALLY BAD.

Sandy begins her vows by telling Dan not to take her traditional Indian outfit as a "giant red flag" and I GET IT, there's a fish out of water vibe to her and it's a disarming joke because she's self-conscious but SANDY YOUR CULTURE IS BEAUTIFUL AND NOT A RED FLAG AT ALL.

They say their vows and have a laugh and it's all lovely yada yada yada let's get back to the car crash that is Red Flag Jesse and Car Lady Claire.

(If you are a long-time reader of Mamamia's MAFS recaps you will know that Jessie and Clare Stephens wrote them for years. They've passed the baton to me this year, but in the interest of journalism I asked for their comments on these namesakes. They said, and I quote: "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA".)

Claire says she feels a sense of calm that fate (and John Aiken) has brought them here today.

"The universe has given me someone who is just so suited to my personality," she says and dear Lord, we hope not.

They both have a great first impression of each other which makes sense because neither has heard the other talk yet. They then bond over each having tattoos of hearts in deadly situations and as my high school English teacher would say, THAT'S SOME MAJOR FORESHADOWING.

Claire likes Jesse's vows, which surprisingly is not just his ick list! He says he likes metal music and then he cries because of how much he wants to find love (with someone who doesn't care about social media, take mirror selfies, say "oh my god", read horoscopes or speak literally at all).

Jesse calls Claire a "sick chick" but then she asks when his birthday is and the music changes as if this is a horror film AND OH NO SHE'S GOING TO BE INTO STAR SIGNS ISN'T SHE.

He tells the camera that it's "so him" to have talked sh*t about "star sign chicks" multiple times only to discover his new fake wife is into them. Perhaps it is, but it also feels "so John Aiken" does it not?

"I SPECIFICALLY asked for a fake wife who DOES NOT TALK" 

"I'm concerned that we're moving into ick territory," he says and the audacity of this man is honestly a little impressive.

This judgement feels very Cancer of him (no seriously, I Googled 'Cancer traits' just to spite him and one definitely trustworthy source says "Cancers are more sensitive than they let on, and their judgmental attitude is used to protect them from being betrayed and hurt"). 

TAKE THAT JESSE.

If anyone was still on the fence about this man, he then admits his favourite chips are Grain Waves. I'm sorry but WHAT? When Honey Soy Chicken exists? Corn chips??? PRINGLES??? That's some psychopath sh*t right there.

They argue over what constitutes a chip and I f***ing love the fact that this relationship is being taken down by deep fried potato.

At Dan and Sandy's wedding, they are talking about culture and family and supporting one another, but now all I'm thinking about is that Dan has big Vege Crisp kinda energy.

IMAGINE SENDING YOUR FAKE PARTNER TO THE SHOPS TO BUY CHIPS AND THEY COME BACK WITH ONES MADE OUT OF CASSAVA.

INSTANT FAKE DIVORCE.

Meanwhile, Jesse has decided Claire is really ticking him off because of that time she asked him when his birthday was. 

She gifts him a crystal and he considers it a personal attack.

We flash to a discussion between Jesse and John Aiken, who asks him to list his deal breakers. Jesse warns that there are a lot and John says that's fine because he has time. This is true because MAFS' track record shows that he does not spend more than 20 seconds pondering each match.

We learn some more things Jesse hates:

- Crossfit chicks

- Chicks who really love dogs

- Star signs again, just in case it wasn't clear

LOOK AT HOW HAPPY HE IS HEARING ABOUT SOMEBODY'S INTENSE, UNJUSTIFIED HATRED OF WOMEN WHO GO TO THE GYM

Incredibly, a pep talk from John Aiken works, and Jesse is willing to put the woo-woo aside, respect his fake wife's passions and work on himself.

All because he respects her as a person and understands that people can be multifaceted lol jk it's because she's hot.

The following morning, Sandy and Dan wake up in the same bed. They learn that their honeymoon will be in Singapore which is SO MUCH BETTER than Bronte and Harrison's trip to the Hunter Valley. No shade to the Hunter, you are beautiful and you have great wine. But come on. Imagine how annoyed you'd be.

The next two minutes is exclusively #sponcon for Singapore because hahahah did you really think Channel Nine had that kind of budget?

Meanwhile, Jesse and Claire are sent to the Whitsundays. But at Sydney Airport, Jesse tells Claire to shhhhh and oh my god, I accidentally created a TIMELESS meme:

"My fake wife's voice is such an ick"

"Do you think I talk too much?" Claire asks.

"No, I don't think it's a question of whether you talk too much. Maybe it's a question of perhaps you feel like you need to say something in a lot of moments..." he says.

Stop.

There are already three bad therapists on this show and we do not need another.

Claire, unsurprisingly, does not appreciate this and I cannot believe the experts would knowingly match this man who hates women speaking with a woman... who... speaks.

It's like they are purposefully sabotaging these relationships for ratings and/or it was just really hard to find a non-verbal woman willing to fake marry a stranger on television.

Sigh. 

UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.

Chelsea McLaughlin is Mamamia's Senior Entertainment Writer. For more pop culture takes, recommendations and sarcasm, you can follow her on Instagram.

Catch up on our MAFS recaps here: 

• Mamamia recaps Married at First Sight: When you 'cheat' in the very first episode.

Feature image: Channel Nine.

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