Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: CLAIRE IS A NATIONAL HERO.

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The experts have been working hard on these matches and there is not one ounce of my soul that believes that to be true.

We meet Caitlin, whose normal type is 'men who look like they would ruin her life'. What better way to shake that up than with the tried-and-mostly failed advice of the MAFS experts.

Producers ask Caitlin if she loves herself and she immediately breaks down in tears, declaring "I don't think I love myself as much as I should" and AT WHAT POINT SHOULD WE STOP CASTING PEOPLE WITH CLEAR SELF-ESTEEM ISSUES IN SHOWS THAT ARE DESIGNED TO PUT THEM IN VERY UPSETTING SITUATIONS FOR ENTERTAINMENT?

Just a fun little thought starter.

OH SWEETIE YOU SHOULDN'T BE HERE

On the bright side, she has been matched with Shannon, who on first impression seems fun, genuine and also benefits from not being Jesse.

Their friends and family shuffle into the venue and so far, these are the best wedding guests we've seen.

Caitlin's people laugh about how her soon-to-be fake husband can't be any worse than the d*cks she's dated before, and Shannon's dad considers going to introduce himself with the line "I'm Dave, our kids are f***ing stupid, aren't they?"

Yes, sometimes we do just need to watch a dad to roast his son's decision to fake marry a stranger in an 'experiment' with an 8.5 per cent success rate (yes I did MATHS, I take this job very seriously).

Shannon momentarily loses the ring he's supposed to give Caitlin, and his dad says "what a twat". 

I love this man.

Season MVP tbh

Caitlin is feeling hopeful about the match because Shannon does not look like he wants to ruin her life, but she caveats it with a "don't hold me to that". It's important given... this show... often ruins lives.

Speaking of ruining lives, it's time to meet our next couple (at what point do we all lose track of who's who? It's literally my job to know what blonde is Caitlin and what blonde is Melissa and what blonde is Lyndall etc etc but it becomes harder with every waking moment).

Thankfully, this blonde has an American accent.

Her name is Alyssa and she is an ex-Mormon from Utah. She says she was taught to turn off emotion as a child and wasn't allowed to drink Coke, so I love that we're getting the full spectrum of childhood trauma here. When she was 16, Melissa's dad came out as gay and the negative reaction to this within her church community turned her off religion.

She's looking for someone who can make her feel loved, but who is also... hot.

The greatest shock of the season so far is that the experts have come through on that request, to match her with Very Hot Man Duncan.

He arrives at their wedding and Alyssa's Man of Honour Brad has a hot flash.

Duncan and Alyssa compliment each other's teeth, and I can't believe they got them done BEFORE MAFS? Did no one tell them they were one televised fight away from qualifying for free veneers??

They are objectively great teeth but they could've saved so much money if only they'd waited to throw a fruit bowl at someone in front of cameras

Meanwhile, Caitlin and Shannon are getting on great on account of them being the exact same person.

Then, Shannon utters the dreaded words: "The experts have done well."

OH MY SWEET SUMMER CHILD. THAT IS THE MAFS KISS OF DEATH.

Everything is also going well for Alyssa and Duncan, and I love how the producers know that isn't what we're here for. So, they've lumped two drama-free weddings together in half-an-hour of wholesomeness, before taking us to the MESS on the other couple's honeymoons.

In some seriously unbelievable news, Claire and Jesse are still not doing great because Jesse shushed Claire multiple times and hates when women speak.

Somehow, Jesse says they are FIVE OR SIX DAYS INTO THIS? EXCUSE ME?

Does this mean they are essentially having separate, solo, entirely paid for holidays in the Whitsundays? Because that's what it's sounding like and suddenly ruining my whole life and being humiliated on Australia's messiest reality show doesn't sound... terrible.

I could, theoretically, not speak to Jesse for five days while lying on a beach and be really okay with that.

He's used this time to reflect on how he's self-sabotaging his relationship by hating when women speak and he's willing to let them talk. Sometimes.

He tells Claire that his masculinity is fragile and we... know.

"Mmhm"

The newest couples have arrived at their honeymoon destinations and Caitlin is overcome by how fancy her and Shannon's Gold Coast accommodation is.

"I'm too poor to be breathing in this Versace air," she says and the more she talks the more I want her to be my best friend.

Further north, Lyndall and Cameron are continuing to be their lovely and boring selves (I'm sorry! The bar was set too high! They were introduced on the same ep a Bachelor contestant sabotaged a wedding!) when a Honeymoon Box is sprung on them. 

This means the producers want to spice things up to... make a good TV show.

"Is there anything about me that concerns you?" Lyndall asks Cameron, and he admits he's scared about the life expectancy of cystic fibrosis.

"I'm finally in a place without the guilt and the worry that I'm not going to be okay, because I know I'm going to be okay," she says and so far these two are incapable of being anything but lovely.

For the spice, we must head to Bronte and Harrison's honeymoon, where Harrison is drinking rosé for the first time. That is a greater red flag than the 'he is packing for mafs ahaha' message in my books.

He and Bronte are stoked to put that drama behind them because he "had all these options" and still chose her. 

"I had so many options and I chose fleeting reality TV fame"

Harrison says he wants to jump Bronte's bones, which is beautiful, but there's no time to dwell on that because we have to go to... oh. Find out about other people's sex lives!

Lyndall and Cameron shagged! Everyone is chuffed!

OH WAIT NO BRONTE AND HARRISON SHAGGED TOO AND NO ONE IS CHUFFED.

This man did not just sleep with his fake wife whose BONES he wanted to JUMP yesterday only to decide he's unattracted to her?!

They throw us to a very happy Alyssa and Duncan and I'M SORRY YOU GUYS BUT LET'S GET BACK TO THE BAD SEX.

Bronte and Harrison eat dinner in silence but don't you worry! This is not the producer's first rodeo! It's Honeymoon Box time.

"Do you feel any sexual chemistry with me?" Harrison pulls out of the box. What a truly fortuitous question. Sometimes the stars and producers just align, ya know?

"Do I feel any sexual chemistry with you?" he then asks... himself.

The answer is no and how dare she be upset about it? 

THEN HE CALLS HER HYSTERICAL AND OH MY GODDDDDDD.

HE'S LIKE AN AI GENERATED RED FLAG.

"It's not even a big deal that I decided I'm not sexually attracted to you after we already had sex"

Speaking of red flags - god, this is already a timeless segue - Claire and Jesse are ALSO about to fight over a Honeymoon Box question.

Claire thanks him for opening up earlier and they vow to find a happy medium between Claire feeling like 'too much' and Jesse feeling like 'not enough'.

That vow, much like the fake marriage one they made a few episodes ago, lasts approximately 40 seconds, because the box requires them to talk about Jesse's favourite topic of all time! Icks!

Jesse lists his for the 50,000th time, beginning with star sign chicks. It is, of course, a totally reasonable thing to say in front of the fake wife and star sign chick he has been trying to build a connection with.

Jesse is asked to list Claire's most endearing and most annoying traits.

OH THIS IS GOING TO BE GOOD AND BY GOOD I MEAN BAD, LIKE ACTUALLY CATACLYSMICALLY BAD.

The most annoying is "the random comments on everything" he says.

HE OFFERS EXAMPLES.

AND THEN MOCKS HER.

He doesn't like when she points out... boats... on their fancy Whitsunday holiday, and it's very much giving:

My accidentally eternally relevant meme

Jesse is surprised that the fake wife he's spent the week shushing and degrading is upset at being mocked to her face and WE NEED ANOTHER FLAG POLE.

That's better

Claire grabs her things, roasts the experts and leaves, in a perfectly colour coordinated orange and pink outfit.

A slay is a slay is a goddamn slayyyy.

And that, my friends is week one. I'm going to go take a nap.

SEE YOU ON SUNDAY.

Chelsea McLaughlin is Mamamia's Senior Entertainment Writer. For more pop culture takes, recommendations and sarcasm, you can follow her on Instagram.

Catch up on our MAFS recaps here: 

• Mamamia recaps Married at First Sight: When you 'cheat' in the very first episode.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: The groom who hates when women... speak.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: A brother tries to sabotage his sister's wedding.

Feature Image: Channel Nine.