Mamamia recaps Married at First Sight: SIR, YOU CANNOT JUST PRETEND YOU DIDN'T HAVE SEX.

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They're really hammering home how hard the experts have worked to make these matches and no one is buying it because they literally selected a man who does not want women to speak.

Maybe they can do better with the next match (they can't).

Workaholic Layton has shiny shoes and he's the CEO of a pet healthcare compa- hold on. Did he say cannabis for pets? ............... I have so many questions.

How do they... PAY him?

We see footage of him talking on the phone in a suit, driving a fancy car in a suit and painting not in a suit. The range!

He is matched with Melinda, who is the CEO of a non-cannabis-for-pets-related beauty business. She also drives fancy cars and wears shiny shoes, so they're obviously extremely compatible and you just know that was the experts' exact thought pattern.

In yet another questionable decision, the next match is self-described "sexy mama bear" Melissa and "selfless dad" Josh.

Melissa is very comfortable in her sexuality. Josh wears Disney pajamas.

I've said this before and been burned, because... MAFS, but I'll risk it again: Josh, bless his soul, seems SO PURE. TOO PURE. Who told him to apply? Why is he acting like the experts are good at their jobs? Has he ever SEEN THIS SHOW?

Gonna be the bamboozle of the century

The morning of her fake wedding, Melissa's twin sister arrives to deliver her traditional wedding gifts like lingerie and a spanking paddle.

She is stating, for the 200th time, that her dream man is Thor with his big hammer. As Josh wakes in his Toy Story pjs. 

PRODUCTION ARE SMACKING US IN THE FACE WITH THEIR MAJOR (SEX RELATED) DIFFERENCES AND I AM SO SORRY BUT I AM LAPPING IT UP. I AM UNFORTUNATELY QUITE EXCITED ABOUT THIS PARTICULAR SOON-TO-BE-MESS.

Josh arrives and is very clearly sh*tting himself, so he forgets to introduce himself properly and stands facing the celebrant, making nervous conversation about holding hands and school assembly.

It gives the guests much to speculate about.

Melissa's friends should write recaps

No seriously I could never come up with such a sick burn

As Mel walks down the aisle, Josh turns around and WAVES HELLO.

As soon as they hold hands (consensually) and break the ice, it's REALLY CUTE. Josh cracks a joke and I'm beaming like a proud parent which definitely feels like something I need to hash out in therapy.

Mel's stoked because he is kind, tall, has nice hair and gives her a 'freak in the sheets' vibe. Jail to whoever decided in post-production to play comical circus music under Josh's vows after this comment.

HE EVEN REFERENCES NOTTING HILL. 

PUT SOME DAMN RESPECT ON HIS NAME.

(FOR NOW).

Elsewhere, Porsche-driving CEO Melinda is crying about stepping back from her businesses for a while so she can get fake married to stoner pet CEO Layton.

Stoner pet CEO Layton does not appear to be taking the same pro-active step, as he sends a work message - I can only presume to a high dachshund - on the way to his fake wedding.

They each want someone who is supportive of their respective careers and it feels like if this worked out, these two would see each other precisely 90 minutes per a week, if they can find a spot in their calenders.

Actually, scratch that. 

Melinda is declining all future Layton-related meetings.

She is disappointed by him before he's even said 10 words, because she is "nine-and-a-half on a bad day" and his conventionally attractive face is not living up to her expectations.

Melinda's vows are full of passion for herself.

Layton's vows bring a tear to the eye of everyone except Melinda, who doesn't like that her new fake husband's mum once taped coins(?) to a tree(??) in their backyard(???).

Melinda complains that their first kiss was cold and sloppy which makes no sense because they barely grazed cheeks. Then she wipes her lip and it's the most offensive thing I've ever seen.

SHE'S MAKING MORE CONTACT WITH THE CAMERA THAN HIS LIPS RIGHT NOW

The other Mel is using her and Josh's fake wedding photoshoot to feel up her man and she... likes it. A lot.

They pash for so long that I skip 20 seconds ahead in my screener and it's still... happening. 

Meanwhile, Melinda is commentating her staged photoshoot kiss with Layton as if it's the worst thing to ever happen to her.

Who do I talk to about the decision to have Melissa and Melinda's weddings in the same episode? It's SO CONFUSING. DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES I AM HAVING TO RE-READ THESE SENTENCES TO ENSURE I HAVE NOT MIXED UP FREAK IN THE SHEETS MEL AND PORSCHE-DRIVING CEO MEL?

At their reception, Josh, Mel #1 and Mel #1's twin sister are getting on like a house on fire while the rest of her friends talk sh*t about him.

And Mel #2's friends are all talking about great Layton is, while Mel #2 talks shit about him.

COULD WE NOT HAVE SPLIT THIS UP BY ONE EPISODE, JUST CAUSE IT WOULD'VE MADE MY LIFE IN PARTICULAR A LOT EASIER.

Layton offers to swap meals with his Mel, even though he really wants the chicken, and she thinks that means he's putting on a facade. She declares it's "100 per cent a no" and leaves the reception, which is actually a really bold move because IT'S ON A BOAT. She physically cannot go anywhere besides the bow, about 20 steps away.

She returns to see Layton talking to her family, which she accidentally describes as "recruiting his little army" rather than "getting to know his new fake in-laws".

"What am I missing"

While she ponders... that, the other Mel asks her friends what they think of Josh, and they echo "kind" like a choir, before being like lol jk and launching into a full-blown takedown with words such as "reserved", "not enough" and "boring".

Melissa then claps back in the most polite, self-assured way I've ever seen?! 

She's picked so wrong for so long, she says, and they're still imagining her with the type of man who she's been hurt by for 20 years. Josh is different to them and is therefore everything she wanted, she says.

GO OFF FREAK IN THE SHEETS MEL.

On Sydney Harbour, Layton gives a speech beginning with "please know, I am here for the right reasons", which is unfortunately also something that someone who is not here for the right reasons would say.

He then elaborates on the money tree anecdote, which appears to be his sole childhood memory, and Melinda questions whether she judged him too soon.

I'm leaning towards, maybe she did. Yeah. Could've.

At bed time, Melinda will share a bed only if Layton acts like he isn't there, so he goes to do some work, dealing weed to a Bichon Frisé or something, ON HIS FAKE WEDDING NIGHT.

Across town, Josh isn't working. But he is WERKING (those Toy Story pjs again).

Mel says she wants to snowplow him tonight and I don't dare Google that on a work laptop. 

Is this not how all great sexual encounters begin?

The next morning, Josh tells us they did not consummate their fake marriage. Because they don't need to rush things. And there's plenty of time for that. 

Then Melissa tells us the sex was GREAT. And Josh can throw her around. And he has a big hammer.

AND. WHAT. IN THE HELL. IS GOING ON.

Who is lying about banging or not banging their new fake spouse and why am I so invested in the great MAFS sex mystery of 2023? 

Layton and Melinda didn't have sex, FYI. Which makes sense because she might hate him and he had a lot of dogs to administer marijuana to last night. For work.

Their honeymoon is along the Hawkesbury River, while Josh and Melinda are flown to Fiji. I cannot imagine agreeing to months of humiliation on national television only to be dropped off in north-west Sydney.

Josh, however, looks like he'd be more comfortable in their position. Just cause it would provide less opportunity for Melissa to sit on him in a pool or strip off in an outdoor shower.

With every advance, he looks like he wants to curl up in a ball and hide.

GOTTA GO BYE

But on the Hawkesbury, Layton and Melinda are tolerating each other and painting each other's portraits.

Unfortunately, any progress made in their relationship unravels when Layton unveils his vision of Melinda.

Babe wake up new sleep paralysis demon just dropped

In Fiji, Melissa has begun to worry about Josh not being into her on account of him running away from her at any opportunity.

She voices her concerns and he... does not get it. Because he held her hand and cuddled her and 

OH 

MY

GOD

HE WAS THE GREAT SEX LIAR OF 2023!!!!

They did bang and he just didn't want to say it on camera because people will know he has sex and GASP! But sir! You have a child! We kinda put two and two together!

This man has clearly never watched MAFS before. He expected a sweet, PG-13 series about love. Instead, he walked straight into a morally questionable fake experiment that very much wants to know all about the dirty, dirty sex you had on your fake wedding night.

I feel that we, as a society, have a duty of care to those around us. If someone you know has never watched MAFS, it is IMPERATIVE that you tell them that it IS A HOT MESS 200 PER CENT OF THE TIME. THEY NEED TO KNOW. WE CANNOT HAVE THE POOR, INNOCENT PEOPLE IN OUR LIVES SIGN UP AND BE SURPRISED WHEN A PRODUCER ASKS "SO DID YA BANG OR NAH?"

Oh boy.

This whole argument is happening while Melissa is hidden from camera by a leaf, by the way. It was one hell of a choice. Really adds to the whole drama, watching a sunglass-donning Josh argue with the local flora.

"NOW LISTEN HERE LEAF, I HAVE BEEN TAUGHT TO REPRESS MY SEXUALITY AND YOU NEED TO ACCEPT THAT"

These two clearly have two very different connections to sexuality, which is fine, but not exactly conducive to a working relationship.

Which makes sense.

Because this show is not about working relationships!

UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.

Chelsea McLaughlin is Mamamia's Senior Entertainment Writer. For more pop culture takes, recommendations and sarcasm, you can follow her on Instagram.

Catch up on our MAFS recaps here: 

• Mamamia recaps Married at First Sight: When you 'cheat' in the very first episode.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: The groom who hates when women... speak.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: A brother tries to sabotage his sister's wedding.
  
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: CLAIRE IS A NATIONAL HERO.
  

Feature image: Channel Nine.

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