Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: KIRRA IS THE HERO WE DESPERATELY NEEDED.

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As Hometown Week continues, Melinda and Layton arrive at Melinda's Brisbane apartment, where they will no doubt enjoy her view, sleep in a comfy bed and... fight.

And in Perth, Bronte is "excited to finally play tour guide" for Harrison.

It's so shady of the narrator to use those words, given Ollie's commitment ceremony accusation that Harrison said he "didn't want Bronte to be [his] tour guide".

Harrison has noticed a positive change in Bronte's mood since being back home, so he's definitely going to make her feel bad about that and try to get her out of there ASAP.

We can't have our fake wives happy and thriving with a support network nearby, can we!?

"I need a partner whose life solely revolves around me"

Nevermind the fact she's already told him she'll move to Sydney for him and the influencer events dozens of times.

Harrison says he needs consistency. And to be fair, we cannot argue he isn't consistent. Consistently a d*ckhead, sure, but consistent nonetheless.

OH HELL YES.

IT'S TIME.

The silver lining of these two simply refusing to leave the series is the return of Bronte's sister, Queen Kirra. The experts won't read her sh*tty fake brother-in-law for filth but WE ALREADY KNOW SHE WILL.

Straight away, she's like 'so what kind of bullsh*t have you been pulling now?'

Bronte explains that she's said, multiple times, that she'd "100 per cent" move to Sydney for him, but Harrison says he needs more than that.

Kirra asks, word for word, "what more reassurance did you need than someone saying they would 100 per cent move?"

HE SAYS BRONTE NEVER SAID THAT.

AND NONE OF THE FILMED AND BROADCAST PROOF WE ALL WATCHED EVER HAPPENED.

Right????

Kirra keeps calling him Harry while yelling at him about narcissism and it feels so snarky that I have no choice but to get on board with the nickname. 

"We need to stick to the facts," Harr(y)ison says.

"Are you insinuating that she's lying?" Kirra asks.

He says yes and then in the next sentence says he didn't say that, actually.

Kirra just repeats everything that's happened back to him in this terrifyingly composed tone and he is FRAZZLED. HEAD IN HIS HANDS FRAZZLED.

"I think it's just best if I leave, honestly," Harrison replies.

WHERE WAS THAT ENERGY SEVEN WEEKS AGO?

But also, this is especially funny after he spent the first 10 minutes of the episode telling Bronte he didn't like that she could possibly just up and leave when things get ~bad~ (as if they're not always... bad).

Kirra says she'll escort him out if he likes and in case it isn't clear by now, I f***ing love her. She's doing all of this in between sips of her cocktail. It's the level of iconic I can only aspire to be.

"You're not going to sit here and be held accountable for being a narcissistic, gaslighting d*ckhead," she concludes as he walks out. "And that, ladies and gentlemen, is a coward."

GET KIRRA ON THE EXPERT COUCH RIGHT THIS INSTANT.

This is how you get sh*t done!

Meanwhile, Tahnee and Ollie have made the trek from Sydney's CBD to... Bondi.

The narrator says Ollie is about to catch a glimpse of what the Sydney property market is like, right as Tahnee opens the door to her studio apartment.

OOF. NARRATOR LADY HAS BARBS TODAY.

I was about to offer cries of solidarity, but then I SEE HER $1500 BALENCIAGA SHOES AND 

LOOK. 

I HAVE QUESTIONS.

STARTING WITH HOW AND ENDING WITH ALSO HOW?

They worry about hearing each other in the toilet and then go out for a completely organic and not at all sponsored KFC picnic.

I just feel like... if you're worried... about toilet sounds... an excess amount of Kentucky Fried Chicken is kind of inviting disaster into your lives. But you gotta do what you gotta do when you sign a contract to take part in Australia's messiest (NOT A TOILET PUN) reality TV show, I suppose.

Ollie reckons he could fit into Bondi if he whitens his teeth - lucky boy is going to be so excited by the reality TV star to tooth whitening sponsorship pipeline!

But then Tahnee says Harrison lives nearby and Ollie wonders if somewhere further afield would be better. Like the Inner West. Or Bathurst.

How about Perth, you guys? I don't think Harrison will be returning there after this!

Across town, Evelyn and Rupert, but unfortunately not Evelyn's dogs, are meeting up with her mum for spicy food and spicy chats.

After Rupert sweats out the cracked pepper, he's grilled on whether he's willing to move to Sydney after the show.

He says he would need to be in love or falling in love in order to move states.

Evelyn says she wishes they'd had more of a discussion about this - not in front of her mum! - and worries if he's already made up his mind about their (lack of) future.

Rupert looks so uncomfortable about it all that he seems about two sentences away from reverting to his old mute self.

Huge "U wat m8" energy

In Darwin, Lyndall has woken up upset because her fake husband will kiss fish but not her.

She cries about wanting Cam to tell her he cares about her and wants to be with her.

Meanwhile, Melinda and Layton are arguing about a cupboard door.

It's so dumb that I don't need to think of a joke.

Because they are arguing.

About.

A CUPBOARD DOOR.

I cannot defend you any longer

Ollie is still enjoying Bondi, sorta, while a dude jumps around to get the camera's attention behind him.

"It's a little bit 'howyagarn?' There're all sorts of strange individuals," he says, delivering the season's most difficult sentence to explain to overseas audiences.

They're off to have another picnic, this time unsponsored, to reminisce about Tahnee thinking Ollie was staring at her boobs at their wedding.

"I want to be around you all the time," Ollie says. "I just don't wanna get away from ya."

Back in Darwin, Cam has taken Lyndall to the beach to watch the sunset. And to continue not touching her in a fun, new environment.

"I know you don't like talking about feelings," she begins a conversation.

Not the greatest sign!

"But how do you feel about me?"

Also not the greatest sign!

"That's actually a very good question," Cam replies AND AT THIS POINT I FEEL LIKE IT SHOULDN'T BE A GOOD QUESTION AT ALL. 

"I don't think I'm good enough for you. I don't think I'm at the level that you want me to be for you to be in a relationship with someone."

Lyndall won't let him get off that easily, saying that she hates the idea of not having him in her life and she cares about him a lot.

He smiles politely and does not make even the slightest move to touch her.

"It is what it is"

Oh joy.

It's time to wrap up the night with Melinda, Layton and their confused cupboard.

They sit down for a picnic and within 20 seconds are arguing about essentially the same thing they've been arguing about for weeks: they're on different wavelengths ~emotionally~, plus both stubborn as hell.

Layton acknowledges again that he needs to be better at expressing emotions and Melinda says she wants to hear words of affirmation that he likes her.

Then Layton says he can't even tell his dad he loves him.

OH NO.

WHY DO MEN SIGN UP FOR REALITY TV SHOWS INSTEAD OF CALLING A THERAPIST???

"THAT WASN'T EVEN THE QUESTION"

Layton says every time they talk about feelings they fight, which makes him not want to talk about feelings to avoid it.

"I feel like we both want a relationship to work together, but I think we're both intelligent enough to know that it may not ever work," Melinda says, breaking down.

They're in such a bind that really, there is only one option left to consider.

Get Queen Kirra on a flight to Brissie, stat.

WELP.

WE'RE ALMOST THERE, FRIENDS.

See you tomorrow!

Chelsea McLaughlin is Mamamia's Senior Entertainment Writer. For more pop culture takes, recommendations and sarcasm, you can follow her on Instagram.

Catch up on our MAFS recaps here: 

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  Feature image: Channel Nine.