'I was sick of being ghosted so now I follow the six-month rule.'

Even by today's standards, it was a pretty graphic message to receive on a dating app: "I wanna f**k the shit out of you." Some recipients of that message may have thought, "Yes, I want to f**k the shit out of you too," and good on them if that is their choice. However, for Mirabelle*, 29, who works in horticulture from Sydney, it was just another disheartening dating moment that made her implement a strict, no-sex in the first six-months dating rule.  

"I was over guys thinking women exist to be vessels for their d*cks. I don't want d*ck, I want a life partner," she said. "The clearer I get on what I want, the more I know I don't want to have sex outside of a relationship. I want to be in a relationship first before I have sex if that makes sense?"

While it should make perfect sense if that is her choice, and probably does if you've chosen to abstain from sex for cultural or religious reasons. However, if you're in the modern Australian dating scene, where sex usually officially starts the relationship, it may seem like a radical choice. 

Especially as the unspoken guideline for sleeping with a potential love interest is the three-date (as popularised by Sex and The City) to six-date max rule. So, these days, six months may seem like an eternity to get to know each other without physicality. Sixty years ago, old mate would have to put in some serious hard courting yakka and possibly put a ring on it. Now, when newly married couples on MAFS aren't "intimate" within the first few weeks, they quickly move to the "John, we've got a problem" narrative position on the couch.

"When deciding when to get intimate, asking yourself if you truly want to have sex or whether it's societal conditioning can be a helpful question," says dating coach Jiveny Blair-West, author of How to Make The Biggest Decision of Your Life?.

According to Jiveny, one of the trickiest things is knowing if you are dating for fun versus dating for love, which often results in two different outcomes and requires two different strategies. "Many people get hurt if they continue to apply a dating-for-fun strategy when they want to date to get into a relationship," she said. 'Jumping into sex early on and trying to convert someone if they're dating for fun to something more committed doesn't work. If you're dating for love, the goal is to give yourself a chance to evaluate the other person before hopping into bed.” 

Naturally, every relationship has its own unique sexual rhythm and many women who had sex on the first date report having long and happy marriages. But this approach hasn't worked for Mirabelle.

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She says she has a healthy attitude to sex and an adventurous sex life but decided last year to do a complete 360 and start pursuing a chased courtship. Mirabelle says it was going to therapy that was the beginning of the change in her. "I have had a lot of great sex in my life with totally appropriate and inappropriate guys. My rationale was if I liked a guy enough to have sex and then we had great sex, it would lead to a relationship. I didn't look deeper to find out what the other person wanted from a relationship. Now, I plan on building a foundation with someone ready to commit. In the past, I’ve dated commitment-avoidant men. It doesn't mean it will work out, but at least we'll have put in the groundwork to find out where we both are at. You find out pretty quickly what people are looking for."

Over the last seven months, there has been pushback from men she has dated. "Some are cool and respect me, but most don't like it all," she said. "The last guy lasted three weeks and then complained it felt like I was making him be my boyfriend to get to know me. I thought we were just hanging out." 

Michelle, 38, a nurse from Melbourne, relates to the abstinence concept after finding herself as a victim of yet another Tinder fuckboi or fuckman (he was 43). "Over three dates, we went from a meeting in a coffee shop to a walk, then finally onto dinner with super attentive texting between times. I felt as if it at least had a chance of heading somewhere, but I was ghosted again. So now I want to be friends first and build on that." 

Does either woman worry about letting a good man go because he won't join in on their celibacy quest? "It's like a red flag if they don't want to spend time getting to know me," said Mirabelle. "What’s the point?"

While Michelle says, she is leaving it up to the universe. "It's cool if they don’t stick around because they are not seriously looking for their person. I am. I'm putting out for what I want. A partner.'

According to Jiveny, women have a lot of power in setting the pace of a relationship. “One of the things we discuss in our work is one's ability to play with tension,” advises Jiveny, who also recommends not kissing on the first three dates as the expectation of sex becomes a lot heavier.

Jiveny advices also male clients to hold off having sex. "Men, just like women, can get into unhealthy relationships that don't serve them; men can do that too. And I think they see the benefit of slowing things down and not rushing into sex as well.”

It’s all about the build-up. "Tension is the thing that excites us and creates chemistry. It's the same as when we're watching a show. We want to keep watching because there's tension, there's mystery in the unknown. However, people today are pretty uncomfortable with tension. Yet, when we can sit in the discomfort of the unknown and play with it, we can create more chemistry. It can be potent."

As for Mirabelle, she's been hanging out with a guy at work. "I'm trying to be discerning for once in my life and not just go with what I think is a connection, sexual or otherwise." Meanwhile, Michelle is on the apps chatting to potentials. 

Blair-West offers both women some good advice, “A good match is somebody who makes you feel calm and comfortable,” she said. “And as for sex, ultimately, it has to come down to when you feel ready.”

*Names have been changed for privacy reasons.

Feature Image: Getty