opinion

"Craig Kelly, don’t you dare ever text me again."

I hope Craig Kelly doesn't take this the wrong way. I really do. 

But there is not a single person in the whole of Australia I would want a text message from... less. Do you understand me. Not a single soul. 

On Friday morning, as I was sitting down to start yet another f**king day working from home, I received a text message.


Video via Mamamia.

To be clear, there are three (3) people who are permitted to text me.

My mum, because she needs to know why the sound on her Zoom isn't working.

My twin sister whose text messages almost always begin with "meant to tell you..." and yes sweetie go on

And Shopify. Because my inflatable bath is on its way and I need to be across that. 

The United Australia Party, you'll notice, is not on that list. 

 

ADVERTISEMENT

The text message read: "You can never trust the Liberals, Labor or Greens again. Authorised by Craig Kelly, United Australia Party. Click on this link." 

Narrator: Jessie did not click on this link. 

At least Kelly chose a time in Australian history when the stakes of political division aren't, you know, life or death, and we're all feeling a real sense of solidarity and mutual compassion and OH WAIT.

THERE IS NOT A SINGLE WORST TIME SINCE THE CREATION OF AUSTRALIA TO SEND THAT STUPID TEXT MESSAGE.

... No. 

Stop.  

ADVERTISEMENT

Stopit.  

Who would THINK in their HEAD that during a global pandemic is a GOOD TIME to undermine the trust of our elected government. How is that helpful?

When so many Australian families are hanging on by a thread because they've lost businesses or they've got four kids at home doing remote learning or they've - heaven forbid - actually got COVID-19, let's quite literally send them a message that they can't trust anyone. 

Craig Kelly, after going to all the trouble of stealing my phone number from someone (??), couldn't even tell me why I can't trust any of Australia's legitimate major parties. 

ADVERTISEMENT

Upon closer inspection he didn't even tell me I could trust his party. 

A party who (OK fine I clicked on the link) wants to end all lockdowns before we reach any minimum vaccination rate. A party who is really keen to try a bunch of alternative treatments for COVID-19, like Ivermectin, which is a horse dewormer. Cool! And a party who just wants to mine lots of minerals to "maximise revenue" at a time when surely renewables has to be our priority. 

But Kelly, the bloke who texted my personal phone number on Friday morning, doesn't believe in this climate change nonsense. He hates renewables. Oh, and you know that Pacific island, Tuvalu, which is objectively, by every measure, sinking because of climate change? Yes. Well. Kelly says it's actually growing. So there's... that. 

Side note... have a listen to the latest episode of 'Cancelled' all about Lance Armstrong. Post continues after podcast.

He denied the bushfires of 2019-2020 had anything to do with climate change and instead implied that environmentalists were responsible for arson. 

He wants kids at school to learn that climate change is a hoax. He also says that the Bureau of Meteorology is altering weather records and 2020 was, in fact, the coolest year ever. 

He has been a vocal opponent of COVID-19 vaccines.

He is a proponent of all this madness and then has the AUDACITY to TEXT ME as though we're MATES. 

Given he is has somehow found a way to text me, maybe he could swing this pic a quick 'like'. 

ADVERTISEMENT

And the ultimate irony of all of this is that two-and-a-half years ago, I got a different text message. From a different enemy. 

His name is Clive Palmer.

He said, and I quote: "When elected, United Australia Party will ban unsolicited political text messages which Labor & Liberal have allowed."

I just... and I cannot emphasise this enough...

You are the only political party who has ever sent me unsolicited political text messages and I need you to not. 

So with all due respect, Craig Kelly, Clive Palmer and whoever else stole my phone number from some website I gave it to by accident, don't you dare, ever, ever text me again. 

Feature Image: Getty + Mamamia.

Want a cheeky $50? Tell us what you think
MMSurvey