reality tv

Cody Simpson, Osher and Rob Mills: The ultimate Masked Singer conspiracy theory.

Last night, the finale of The Masked Singer aired, and it was confirmed that Robot was indeed Cody Simpson, a young man I’ve not personally had an awful lot to do with but now feel quite positively towards.

We learned Wolf was Rob Mills and Monster was Gorgi Coghlan and we already knew so how come it was all still so exciting?

But today, there’s a problem.

Video by Channel 10

You see, it’s like everyone expects us to just return to our normal lives, as though we didn’t just spend the last two months yelling “PAULINI” and “KATE CEBERANO” and “OH THAT’S BLOODY DENI HINES THAT IS” at the television screen.

But we did.

And. We’re. Not. Done. Yet.

Haha nah.
Haha nah.

So, yes. It's time for the ultimate conspiracy theory. It involves Cody, and Millsy, and a touch of Osher's wife Audrey. But also Lindsay.

Ahem.

Let's start at the beginning.

Cody's win was rigged (obviously)

We can all agree that whatever 'voting system' was used on The Masked Singer obviously wasn't... real.

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Apparently the audience and the judges 'voted' but like a) on what basis and b) no they didn't.

Clearly, the producers Osher just decided who got eliminated every week, based on popularity etc.

Cody Simpson was always going to win because he was the most internationally famous, especially to the young, kewl but also hip viewers.

And it had everything to do with Lindsay Lohan

We just watched an entire season of aliens and spiders coming onto the stage and Lindsay guessing, "Kanye West?"

Sweetie, no.

Channel Ten already blew their budget. And it was most definitely on you. 

"Elton is that you!!!!"
"Elton is that you!!!!"

At one stage she guessed La Toya Jackson. I'm pretty sure Ed goddamn Sheeran came up.

Just to be clear, NO ONE is jumping on a plane from Glastonbury or Coachella to perform in front of Sir David Hughes as a f*cking Octopus.

It was like Lindsay was in a very bad dream with 12 obscure Australian 'celebrities' dressed as parrots but also dragons and someone needed to throw her a bone.

That bone was Robot. Lindsay thought she might know Robot. He sounded like her sister's ex-boyfriend. The blonde one. Who still owed her furniture. And spoke in that funny accent. Was he from Australia? Lindsay thought that maybe... yes.

"Omg we hate you!!"
"Omg we hate you!!"
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Cody was the only person that Lindsay actually knew (he dated her sister Ali last year) and he also happened to win. And Osher was behind it.

Osher broke up a marriage

I know. It sounds like a jump.

But he f*cking did.

Cody Simpson is already a big name among the young people, sure, but Osher wanted more.

How could he ensure that the winner was particularly relevant at the time he he won the show? How could Osher make world headlines? 

Easy.

End the marriage of Liam Hemsworth and Miley Cyrus so then Miley Cyrus could be dating Cody Simpson at the time of the finale and maybe CODY COULD EVEN BRING MILEY TO THE FINALE and Osher could get a selfie with her idk idk.

And that he did.

Osher flew to Byron Bay (??) told Miley that Liam cannot be trusted, Miley believed him, had a short stint with Kaitlynn Carter (unsure if part of Osher's plan but irrelevant) and then landed with Cody just in time for the finale.

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The night before, the pair even did an Instagram Live video exploring their relationship, as per Osher's suggestion.

Just for context, Miley Cyrus has 100 million followers on Instagram.

osher miley
"Osher lives with us now. He's ma boy."
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No disrespect, but Rob Mills has 58,000 followers. Which is great. But not 100 million. Which is a much larger number.

Rob Mills was a decoy

Okay. Millsy being low key really hot when he danced in his wolf costume was used in order to distract us from Osher's cheating scandal.

Hahah I feel weird about it haha.
Hahah I feel weird about it haha.

While we were watching him be weirdly sexy, Osher was in the background on the phone to his very pregnant wife Audrey, telling her to make Cody slip into Miley's DMs.

With the amount of work done, on top of his Bachelor and Bachelorette duties, there's no way Osher worked alone. He might be the most productive man in the country, but this was a feat even for him.

Ugh.

I'm so relieved to have all that finally off my chest.

Osher, I see you.

And you, sir, deserve a Logie for what you just managed to pull off.

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