I sat. Heart pounding. Palms sweaty. I began to feel the walls slowly start to come in on me. My breathing shallow, head spinning, and hands clasped tightly in my lap like little weights as if they held all the power to hold me down and resist the urge to leap out of my chair, wrapping my tiny fingers around his throat, preventing any more of his ugly truth from escaping his lips. I sat and stared, gazing just beyond his shoulder at the picture of his perfect family. I sunk further into my chair, the reality that I may never have my own photograph sitting on my desk at home.
If I made eye contact I knew it would be over. I knew the flood gates would open and I’d never regain composure so I stared and thought about… anything but being in that room. Wishing I had cancelled the appointment. Not knowing the truth. Continuing to believe that I could have a baby. I wanted to be anywhere but here.
This appointment will be a constant reminder that we have little control over what happens. Yes, we do get to make decisions that will affect our lives in either a positive or negative way. However, we have no idea what will happen in between those choices that could dramatically alter the direction of your life.
After many years of recurrent pelvic cysts, I had little chance of conceiving children naturally and nobody seemed optimistic for IVF. For most women it’s only a 70 per cent chance but for someone who has had my history, the shot was much lower. My husband, Matt, and I made the decision together but looking back, I am sure we didn’t have a choice.
As someone who’s lifelong dream was to be a mum, having someone seal a fate that didn’t resemble the one I had planned, felt like a million little daggers were being bludgeoned into my heart. What was I supposed to do now? What were we supposed to do now? I spent the better part of the last two years feeling numb and depleted. I had few tears left to cry and questioned why I was even here to begin with. What was the purpose if it wasn't to be a mum? I was left in a dark place trying to find meaning in something that seemed so unfair. I prayed, I cooked. I cleaned. I stayed awake for days on end. I avoided going out unless it was essential.
In a 3am moment of clarity I realised I had two choices.