I didn’t know whether or not to share this.
Infertility seems to be a “third rail” for social conversation. It’s an awkward and personal discussion which creates confusion, hurt feelings and mixed emotions for everyone.
That’s why I have to write about it. But it’s taken me over four years to tell this story. I’m hoping it’s cathartic to me and to others.
The first thing you should know, is that everyone’s story is different. The journey, the emotions, the years of after-effects, they bare only a thread of similarity from one story to the next. This is not every woman’s infertility story, but it is mine.
I live out loud, but this is one story only a few people know.
Everything is Possible.
I meet my husband in my early ‘30s. I’ve spent my entire adult life PREVENTING pregnancy, so when he says “I’d like 4 or 5 kids”, I chuckle at my own wit as I callously respond “not with this uterus you won’t.”
I really don’t think of myself as a mum. I am lot of things, but “Mum” isn’t one of them. But as I fall more in love and as I see him with children, I begin to see how having children with this man could be exactly what I want too.
We get married. We move 3,500 miles. We need a break from major life events. We hit the “pause” button. We enjoy married life, together. I nest.
Listen: The Mamamia Out Loud team vehemently disagree about age and fertility. Passionate debate ensues. Post continues after audio.
Finally, we decide to “try.” This is a moment of clarification. Only adults “try” to get pregnant.
When you’re “trying”, the key advice is not to think about it too much.
“Let it happen.”
“Are you tracking?”
“Don’t stress out.”
“Are you eating right and taking prenatal vitamins?”
While casually trying, you keep a cadre of items at your bedside, a thermometer, a calendar and a pen and paper to document temperatures and other metrics.
After trying “casually” for a couple of years, we finally make the dreaded journey to an infertility specialist. I am particularly nervous about this. I’ve had friends go through this and I am still trying to wrap my head around the idea of being a mum.
My visit to the doctor does little to ease my internal unrest. To say that my fertility doctor is a self-righteous donkey’s ass is somehow inadequate. He questions my efforts, my body book-keeping, my dedication to pregnancy. I feel foolish for asking questions and “part whole” for being there at all. It is determined our best chance of success is IVF, but we are warned before we write the deposit, “it would not be easy.”
Top Comments
We also had problems with fertility. I had 8 attempts of in vitro fertilization. First, we tried it in Spain, Check Republic. Five attempts were in Spain. All four failed but fifth one in Check Republic brought a result. I became pregnant. But on the second week I had misbirth. Let me tell a whole story. In the first programs we used our own eggs. After many bad results, we were recommended to use donor eggs. We paid for IFV in Spain 10 000 dollars for each attempt. We spent also a lot of money for accommodation, flights, food etc. We realized that IFV is too much expensive for us to proceed. Moreover, we were psychologically exhausted. So we decided to take some time for rest. Then we found a good clinic in Ukraine. My husband read about it in a fertility forum. After talking on phone with representatives of a clinic, we went to Kiev. We were surprised that in this clinic they use only fresh eggs, which significantly increase chances to become pregnant. I became pregnant after second attempt. I gave a birth to wonderful daughter and we are very happy now.
The 'Other' Room is a great way of putting it. I wish I could learn to love the 'other' room, but I haven't got there yet. I will eventually.
Thank you for writing this and helping us all feel less alone.