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Mamamia recaps The Bachelor: Thank God a global pandemic is about to shut this show down.

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STREWTH. 

We open on the women taking a short break from accusing each other of "planning something" to find out how Irena's date went with some bloke named... Locky? 

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She tells them she's keeping a sword under her pillow for protection and look, it's probably a wise move given how this season is playing out. 

The man allegedly named Locky turns up and Osher announces they're going to play a game of 'Compatibility Chess'. 

The women interpret the rules of the game as "I MUST TAKE OUT THE B* TCHES I HATE". 

Areeba immediately tries to take Roxi's place on the chessboard and then Roxi lands on an "advantage space" which means she can choose someone to skip their turn. She obviously choses Areeba because... drama. And also... gossip. 

Maddie gets an 'advantage' where she can swap someone on the board for someone off the board. She obviously chooses to swap Areeba with one of the miscellaneous white women. 

Roxi... loves it. 

"SO F*CKEN GOOD" 

Next Roxi is asked whether her friends would describe her as "level-headed" and even the alpacas have a giggle. 

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A woman allegedly named Gemma gets the 'advantage' to take someone out and she of course chooses Roxi. 

Areeba is... loving it. 

The woman allegedly named Gemma wins the game of 'Compatibility Chest' and she's quite proud of herself. 

YES SWEETIE.  

She gets the alone time with Locky and tells him she has a permanent dent in her head from wearing her pageant crown so much. 

She says she's a bit like an onion and has lots of layers before she starts listing... pageant categories. 

She asks Locky about his hobbies and she agrees that "space jumping" would be quite dangerous. 

DARLING GIRL... YOU'RE A PRODUCERS DREAM.  

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She has no idea what's happening 90 per cent of the time and I love her unconditionally. 

OH DEAR GOD. 

It's time for another cocktail party. 


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Charley has a plan for Locky which she hopes doesn't come across as "weird or awkward" which means it's definitely going to come across as "weird or awkward". 

As soon as Locky arrives at the cocktail party, she grabs him and takes him to a back room where she has prepared a MUD BATH FOR THEM. 

OH HONEY... NO. 

NO ONE... WANTS THIS. 

I've said it a thousand times before and I'll say it again.... REALITY TV STARS RUBBING MUD/CHOCOLATE/UNSPECIFIED BROWN SUBSTANCES ON EACH OTHER'S BODIES IS NOT FUN FOR US. 

It makes us feel sad in our special places. 

 

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Charley and Locky rub mud on each other for approximately six hours while the other women yell about it. 

Locky has a shower and returns to the cocktail party and Kaitlyn decides she's going to pash him so she'll stand out. 

Roxi says Kaitlyn is trying to get Locky's attention but "we're not at the titty bar, girl". 

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Kaitlyn takes Locky for a chat and gets her pash and Roxi is ready to chuck one. 

Roxi starts yelling about how it was "CLASSLESS" and how Kaitlyn is "GOLD COAST TRASH". 

Then she says the "B*TCH" is a "SL*T" which is... pleasant. 

Roxy continues to spiral and then she storms off when Locky takes Irena for a chat. 

Suddenly everyone is crying except for Laura who is annoyed that everyone is crying. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

"F*CKEN CRYING"  

YES THE COCKTAIL PARTY IS STILL GOING. 

A miscellaneous woman decides to make a speech about how everyone is upset. Kaitlyn points out that she's not upset. 

Roxi gets involved and Kaitlyn accuses her of never looking her in the eyes, while waving her hand in her direction. Roxi tells Kaitlyn she's "TRASH" and "HOW DARE SHE PUT HER HAND IN HER FACE". 

She storms out of the cocktail party while yelling "YA FAKE HAIR, YA FAKE LASHES, YA FAKE TITS" and telling everyone to "F*CK OFF". 


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It's honestly exhausting to watch. 

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Roxi tells the camera if you lit Kaitlyn on fire her whole body would burn because it's plastic. Which is a very specific and violent thing to say. 

The rest of the women tell.... Kaitlyn to settle down. Charley says it's "disgusting" how she spoke to Roxi and this is truly baffling. DID THEY NOT HEAR WHAT ROXI SAID? 

FINALLY it's time for the rose ceremony. 

All the wifeys get roses. 

Areeba gets a rose. 

Kaitlyn gets a rose. 

Roxi gets a rose. 

Rosemary (the penguin) and Kristina do not receive a rose and they never have to endure another cocktail party. 

BUT WAIT. 

THERE'S MORE. 

OSHER HAS RETURNED...

HE HAS A BIG ANNOUNCEMENT ABOUT A CERTAIN GLOBAL PANDEMIC...

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The credits start rolling. 

UNTIL NEXT WEEK. 

Catch up on the rest of our recaps here: 

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