Mamamia recaps The Bachelor: These cocktail parties need to be... banned.

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Well, well, well. 

If it isn't all of us - back here - watching this show even though we a little bit hate it. 

We open on another cocktail party because that's what 90 per cent of this show is now. 

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Roxi is p*ssed because one of the other 19 women competing for Locky's attention has received a rose and that makes zero sense to her, even though that's the entire premise of the show. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

Juliette grabs Locky for a chat before he can even make up a choreographed dance routine with Osher, and she tells him she was "sick" and that's why she wasn't on the group date. 

Roxi starts swearing and yelling about Juliette throwing her "under the bus" which is the exact opposite of what's happening. 

She thinks Juliette is telling Locky lies about her, but Juliette is very busy telling Locky lies about... herself.

The alpacas are so confused. 

"THERE IS ZERO EVIDENCE OF BUS-THROWING.'  

Back at the cocktail party, the rest of the women are discussing the fact Juliette chucked a sickie and missed out on the opportunity to be knocked out by her fellow contestants in the pouring rain. 

Laura reckons Juliette's "not here for Locky" and that "her and her little friends are... planning something". 



Juliette returns to the rest of the group and can't help but notice that Roxi is loudly b*tching about her. Areeba points her head towards Roxi and says "this one is ready to start some sh*t" and... true. 

Kaitlyn says it would p*ss the other women off if it looked like they were having fun, so they stand there awkwardly laughing and pointing their elbows at weird angles. 

"WE'RE HAVING SO MUCH FUN."  

Their ruse is so persuasive the other women become convinced that they're "planning something" other than standing there looking awkward. 

Laura confronts Juliette and Kaitlyn and tells them she's heard a rumour they're "planning something" and "sh*t's going to go down". 

They're genuinely confused as the only people who have been talking about "planning something" is Laura and Roxi. 

Laura says talking to Juliette is like having an international phone call which is a sentence that should never have made it to air. 

For some reason this goddamn cocktail party is still going. 

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While Locky is chatting to the women who aren't yelling about people "planning something", the other women are still trying to figure out who's exactly "planning something". 

(HINT: No one is planning... anything.) 

Laura is chatting to Locky and Areeba comes up and interrupts them. Then Locky hears Roxi crying in the background and runs over to see what's wrong. 

She says if he wanted to make time for her, he would have made time for her before she started crying and HOLY HELL maybe she's the one who's been... "planning something". 

Meanwhile, Areeba is still... sitting there. 

She does her evil laugh again which definitely makes the other women think she's "planning something". 

After approximately 65 hours of people talking about other people "planning something", it's finally time for the rose ceremony.  

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Zoe-Clare and a miscellaneous blonde woman whose name could be... Clare (???) are sent home. 

But wait. 

There's more. 

This goddamn episode hasn't finished yet. 

It's the next morning and the women are sitting around the mansion recapping last night's cocktail party and how someone was definitely "planning something". 

Roxi tells Juliette that she knows she was "planning" to tell Locky lots of little lies about her and that's why she had no choice but to cry and get his attention at the end. 

Juliette is... confused. 

OSHER IS HERE THANK GOD. 

He asks the women what he's missed and Osher pls... don't get them started again. 

*GIGGLES* 

Osher drops off a date card and scurries out of there before the women can start yelling things like "PLANNING" and "SOMETHING". 

Irena gets the single date because she's literally Locky's future wife. 

They go fencing and Irena says she's excited about getting poked around with Locky's sword.¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

They poke their swords around for a while and make a whole bunch of poking innuendos which is fun for them. 

Back the mansion, Roxi is still b*tching about Juliette and what she had PLANNED. 

Juliette and her "posse" are sitting three metres away b*tching about Roxi and how she keeps accusing them of "planning something". 

At the single date, Locky and Irena are sitting on a feelings couch talking about their... feelings. 

Locky puts his arms around Irena so they can shake a bottle of champagne and then cut its cork off with a knife. It looks like the opening scene of a porno movie and I suspect that Osher is giggling at his handy work from the bushes. 

*GIGGLES* 

Locky gives Irena a rose, they kiss, and live happily ever after etc, etc. 

God knows what's happening back at that goddamn mansion. 

UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT. 

Catch up on the rest of our recaps here: 

• Mamamia recaps The Bachelor Episode 1: One woman has an epic meltdown about the colour of her... hair.
• Mamamia recaps The Bachelor Episode 2: An intruder arrives and the rest of the women COMPLETELY LOSE IT. 
• Mamamia recaps The Bachelor Episode 3: A "sneaky" move at the cocktail party destroys a friendship.
• Mamamia recaps The Bachelor Episode 4: This show is becoming more ridiculous by the minute.

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