sex

I roadtested (and ranked) a big box of 12 sex toys to see if they were worth the buzz.

I know that TikTok and bank statements were ripe with boujie beauty advent calendars this year, but I have a slightly left-of-field alternative that I'd like to run you through:

12 days of Christmas Sex Toys.

Yes, family, friends and colleagues of mine, this is your cue to stop reading, throw your phone in the ocean and destroy your laptop. Because things are about to get very intimate, very quickly.


Video via

Because I take roadtests seriously. And that's why I am reviewing each and every one of the buzzy delights behind Lovehoney's 12 days of sex toys fun box, and giving you my honest opinion on whether they are a) worth the investment and b) good at getting you to orgasm.

I WARNED YOU ABOUT THE INTIMACY.

So, without further ado, here's my rundown of 12 sex toys published on the internet forevermore. Sorry mum. 

1. The bullet vibrator.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Bullets are the underrated toys of the underworld. 

They are SO much more powerful than you think, and they are such an easy size to incorporate into couple's play without things getting clunky or anyone feeling ~inadequate~. 

This lil bullet from Lovehoney packs a punch, and more than proves its value in this pack as we open more and more doors... You'll see.

Image: Supplied.

ADVERTISEMENT

Score of this door: 10/10.

Want this toy by itself? Here's where you can shop it: Lovehoney Glow Up Rechargeable Bullet Vibrator, $39.95.

2. Raunchy dice. 

THESE ARE SO MUCH FUN!

Basically, one die has an action, and the other has a body part, so when you roll them you have to do as the dice dictates IRL. e.g. Kiss/Lips, Stroke/Penis or Vagina, or Massage/Nipples (which I do not recommend if you, like me, are feverishly ticklish).

Image: Supplied.

To be honest, these dice don't always drum up the most ~sexy~ combos, but you're sure to have a laugh with these. 

ADVERTISEMENT

Score of this door: 7/10.

Want this toy by itself? Here's where you can shop it: Lovehoney Oh! Foreplay Dice, $9.95.

3. Finger sleeve.

...Like fingerless gloves, but in raunchy reverse.

The idea behind this one is that you slip it over a finger, and the side-car element attached holds the trusty bullet vibrator from the day one door (told you it was a valuable toy!). This means that you end up with an extra finger that buzzes along with you during solo play or couple play. 

Image: Supplied.

TBH I reckon this is another brill toy that can be used frequently, subtly (other than the fact it's bright red) and offers a bit of spice to a masturbation or sex session.

Score of this door: 7/10.

Want this toy by itself? Here's where you can shop it: Lovehoney Ignite 20 Function Finger Vibrator, $49.95.

4. A vanilla candle.

Look. I thought this was pretty sexy, and was one of those 'melt the wax for some temperature play' candles, but it... wasn't.

It's just a bog standard candle. And not even one I can regift to my mum for Christmas, because it's from a sex toy advent calendar, and that seems a bit... wrong.

Image: Supplied.

ADVERTISEMENT

So, for that reason, the score of this door is: 2/10.

Want this *toy* by itself? Here's where you can shop something similar: Fifty Shades of Grey Play Nice Vanilla Scented Candle 90g, $16.95.

5. A cock ring. 

I know from the Mamamia Sex Survey (aka some hefty nosiness masked as research for the greater sexual good), that cock rings are a bit of an untapped category for sex toys. Lots of people can't be bothered with the faff, and a fair few penis-owners don't love the idea of adding an accessory to their already 'excellent' package. 

But, cock rings are pretty damn good. Once you get your schlong on a comfortable, streamlined and powerful one, they can add a LOT of fun to the bedroom.

The one that comes in this pack is a soft, stretchy silicone design with a 'rough stubble' addition which enhances the vibration feels on your vulva once you add the trusty bullet vibrator into the cock ring. 

Image: Supplied.

ADVERTISEMENT

I dare you to try it and report back with your feels. 

The score of this door is: 6/10.

Want this sex toy by itself? Here's where you can shop something similar: Tracey Cox Supersex Silicone Vibrating Love Ring, $16.95.

6. A mask.

I KNOW THIS NAME IS TRIGGERING. After two years of pandemic rubbishness, the last thing you think you need is another mask - but this one is different.

It's silky. It's luxurious. And it's for your eyes. 

Why? Well, when you shut off one sense (in this case, sight) then the other senses ramp up a gear to fill in. That means your sense of smell, taste, and most importantly touch, level up big time.

Image: Supplied.

ADVERTISEMENT

So slip this mask on over yours or your partner's eyes so that every touch feels extra strong, sensual and saucy. I also recommend putting this on during solo play - especially if you're easily distracted - as it allows you to focus purely on the sensation you're creating for yourself. HOT. 

The score of this door is: 8/10.

Want this *toy* by itself? Here's where you can shop it: Lovehoney Oh! Satin Blindfold, $9.95.

Quick! Have a listen to this episode of Sealed Section, all about masturbation. Post continues after podcast.

7. A magical wand. 

Okay, so it's not officially 'magical' in the wizarding sense, but for anyone who's used a wand before, you know the power in these particular sex toys.  

Originally developed as a massaging tool in Japan, these types of toys have the ability to relax tense muscles and stimulate sexual organs alike. It's a different type of vibration that you get from a bullet, and is more of a constant pulsating spread across the head of the toy, meaning you can transfer that pulse to your entire vulva - which feels bloody good. 

Image: Supplied.

This wand is a bit more compact than others, making it travel proof and a smidge quieter than the industrial sized plug-in wands. But it still delivers a solid level of buzz, and you'll see later on that it is just as useful as the trusty bullet... 

ADVERTISEMENT

The score of this door is: 10/10.

Want this sex toy by itself? Here's where you can shop something similar: Lovehoney Deluxe Extra Powerful Magic Wand Vibrator, $149.95.

8. Vanilla massage oil. 

Look, I know they are probably going for a Christmassy vanilla theme, but I'm over this scent. 

Nothing in the bedroom should be classified as vanilla - massage oil included - and so I was a bit turned off by this door. Sorry.

Image: Supplied.

The score of this door is: 1/10.

Want this *toy* by itself? Here's where you can shop something similar: Fifty Shades of Grey Play Nice Vanilla Massage Oil 90ml, $16.95.

9. A butterfly head. 

This name sounds gross, but stick with me, as it might be my favourite toy.

The butterfly head is a silicone extension for the magic wand, meaning you pop it on the wand like a beanie hat and the 'wings' and 'antenna' of the butterfly vibrate like crazy. 

The fluttering of the 'wings' and 'antenna' are delightfully delicate and created such a perfect pulse that I came quicker than I ever have with the wand by itself (which is already pretty fast!). 

Image: Supplied.

ADVERTISEMENT

A sensation just above tickling, I reckon this would also be a great tease toy to use on a partner's body - flying it over their arms, legs, neck, anywhere other than their genitals, as that may cause an instant eruption.

The score of this door is: 12/10. (Yep, it was that incredible.)

Want this sex toy by itself? Here's where you can shop it: Lovehoney Butterfly Bliss Clitoral Mini Wand Attachment, $26.95. 

10. Star body massager.

I assume this is meant to be used in tandem with the vanilla massage oil, but as I threw that directly into the bin, I was left with a dry-as-a-bone massager. 

My bad. 

Image: Supplied.

ADVERTISEMENT

The score of this door is: N/A cos I stuffed it up.

Want this sex toy by itself? Here's where you can shop it: Lovehoney Oh! Sensual Body Massager, $5.95.

11. Stroker wand head.

A butterfly head for the penis owners amongst us, this attachment slips over the top of the magic wand, allowing for a vibrating stroker to use up and down the shaft.

This is a GREAT option for those wanting to try out cock rings, but are a bit fearful of the restriction of the ring around the shaft. That's because this stroker is open on one side, allowing for easy access and shift exits if it's not your jam.

Image: Supplied.

Much like with all sex toys, this one is best served with a hefty slurp of lube to make the sliding and stroking movements as smooth as possible.

ADVERTISEMENT

The score of this door is: 8/10. 

Want this sex toy by itself? Here's where you can shop something similar: Lovehoney Power Play 7 Function Male Massage Wand, $129.95.

12. Silky restraints.

Okay after the genius move of all these wand attachments, a pair of black silky ribbons seems like a bit of a letdown, not going to lie.

...But let's look for the positives, shall we? 

Restraints usually come in silicone or metal, to really cater to restricted movement when you tie up your partner's limbs, but I don't love feeling that trapped. So silk ribbons are a much softer approach to BDSM play - allowing for restriction but with the ability to unfasten quite easily. Plus, silk is much less abrasive on wrists and can be used to tickle your partner by gliding it over their body. 

Image: Supplied.

So, it hasn't ended on a complete flop... but I will be going back to my butterfly head now, so please do not disturb. For at least 16 seconds. 

The score of this door is: 5/10. 

Want this toy by itself? Here's where you can shop it: Lovehoney Silky Black Bondage Restraints, $32.95.

Feature Image: Supplied.