'I thought my boyfriend was The One. Then on the morning of our holiday, he sent me a text.'

This story discusses suicidal ideation and could be triggering for some readers. 

I started my relationship with my ex-boyfriend of five years when I was still in high school; he was a bit older than me and at uni. He was (and is) so smart and motivated; I was absolutely infatuated with him from the moment we first met.

I'd known his previous relationship ended badly after he'd kissed a few (four) girls while he had a girlfriend, so I wasn't totally unaware that he had the capacity to cheat. He assured me he'd changed, worked on himself and was ready to fully commit again. I however, was slightly sceptical, but started a relationship anyway, with some underlying trust issues. Despite that, in my eyes, he was still absolutely perfect. 

We'd grown up together, supported each-other through uni degrees, moving houses, family drama and through our first real 'career' jobs. I genuinely thought for a long time that we were going to get married, and he also convinced me of that.

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The day before we were due to go on holiday together, we sat down with his parents and he'd asked them if he could move back in with them so he could save some money for a house deposit, so we could buy a place together. 

So it's safe to say, things were pretty serious, we'd talked about marriage and kids as well and it felt like we were in a good place.

I had asked him over the course of our relationship hundreds of thousands of times if he had cheated, if he was talking to someone else, I even asked him if he had watched porn on nights we didn't spend together. Each time he answered with "stop asking me this" or "you're crazy" or "I love you and I want to marry you".

"Why would I cheat on you? Stop being so insecure," he'd say over and over. 

I also clocked an expensive few hours of therapy to work through my jealousy in order to strengthen the relationship. 

It was almost a self-fulfilling prophecy - my own insecurities and doubts were so prominent that cheating was bound to happen. Yet, he also gaslit me into thinking that I was the problem.

We'd planned a great ski trip with some of my friends for a few weeks. Then, at 5am the morning we were meant to fly out, I woke up to a text message from my boyfriend. I could tell from the preview the message was long, and I thought it was odd to send such a huge message with the timestamp of 3:09am.

I opened it expecting it to be a message about something he had forgotten to pack, only to find a mini essay in which he was confessing to cheating on me during a work trip to Iceland two weeks prior. 

But that wasn't all. He was also letting me know that he hadn't used any protection and that the girl he'd cheated with now had chlamydia. 

My response was to laugh.

What the actual f**k? I thought it was a joke, or a dream, totally far-fetched and unreal. I couldn't even cry. I was in so much shock and had so many questions. Just the night before he'd had dinner with my family before kissing me goodbye and acting like everything was fine. 

After reading the message a few times to assure myself that yes, this was real, I drove over to his place to pick up my ski gear from his house.

He wasn't home and had taken his car, leaving his phone and a half drunk bottle of gin on the bed. His parents eventually found him a 2.5 hour drive away by checking his air tag. He was threatening to take his own life. 

After spending the ensuing few hours debating if I should go on the trip without him, I eventually got myself to the airport. 

Seeing me arrive alone, with very puffy eyes, my friends asked me where he was. They were every bit as shocked as I was when I told them. 

When I arrived in Canada, I had a WhatsApp message from his parents,confirming he had also tested positive for Chlamydia. I spent my second day in Canada at a small town hospital, pissing into a cup.

To my absolute surprise I tested negative which I think was largely due to the fact I'd been on antibiotics for my wisdom teeth. Dodged a huge bullet there.

Going on holidays was a huge distraction, I didn't have much time to think about it and when I did, all I could feel was relief. Relief that I didn't start my life with him.

This was also a time of enormous self reflection and re-playing every single interaction we'd had over and over in my mind. I was questioning myself, how did I not know?

The week before we were meant to leave for this trip he was acting strange one afternoon; dismissive and outright rude. I asked him point blank "did you cheat on me?", and his response was; "I'd never cheat, I want to marry you, we're going to buy a house, why would I ruin that?"

Our whole relationship I had been told I was being an insecure, crazy girlfriend any time I questioned him or his actions, but I was right about him all along. 

While I was away, I'd finally responded to his message wanting to know if this cheating was an isolated event. Turns out, the previous year when I was in Europe, he'd gone out clubbing with some of his work friends and had sex in a toilet at the club. "But I used protection," he said, as if that made it okay. 

How could someone who I had so much undeniable love and loyalty towards, betray me not only once, but twice, putting my health at risk in the process? What did I do to deserve this?

This was a poignant moment for me, as I felt the last 10 months of our relationship had been a complete and utter lie. Empty promises, false hope for a future together and endless meaningless I love yous. 

This made it easier for me to recover from the relationship breakdown because I felt like I had been with a total stranger for almost a year.

Starting over was hard, having to unlearn everything I knew, or thought I knew about myself, coming to terms with the disillusionment of "love". I hadn't been single since I was in high school so dating absolutely terrified me. I'd spent a large part of my early adulthood with someone who I thought I would be with forever. I felt like he'd made me look like such a fool, and maybe potential future partners would see it that way too. 

Listen to Sealed Section where Chantelle answers three anonymous questions from listeners, who are cheating, or being cheated on. Post continues below.

I've thrown myself into a new job, exercise and spent copious amounts of time with my friends but for the first time since I can remember, I am genuinely okay to be on my own.

If I have learnt anything from this, it's that you really need to trust your instincts, as clichéd as that sounds. If something feels wrong, if you notice minute behaviour changes, there is probably a reason you feel a bit off. I've also learnt that being single is liberating, exciting and a huge learning experience, even though it can be lonely and dating apps suck!

If you think you may be experiencing depression or another mental health problem, please contact your general practitioner. If you're based in Australia, 24-hour support is available through Lifeline on 13 11 14 or beyondblue on 1300 22 4636.

The author of this story is known to Mamamia but has chosen to remain anonymous for privacy reasons.

Feature Image: Getty/Mamamia.

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