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It's still Intimacy Week, which is not just about sex but is also heavily about sex.
Case in point: this extremely horny montage package designed to get us all thirsting over Duncan.
Idk about you but I think it works.
The sexual tension between him and Alyssa, but also him and... Australia, is A LOT.
All of us right now
The sexual tension between Melissa and Josh is not a lot, however.
In fact, it's dead. Destroyed by either too much or a severe lack of Thor's hammer, depending on whose side you're on.
As Melissa sits on the couch, mourning an enthusiastic sex partner, Josh gives us a commentary on their bag of unused sex toys and a Kama Sutra book.
"How many positions are there?" he says, flicking through it. "Is there 69? That would've been the ultimate goal. No, only 52."
"And I can recite them in order"
Down the hall, Shannon wants to get his and Caitlin's relationship back on track even though he is still in love with his ex and should definitely not be here.
Cool.
He's planned a date, full of candles and incense and... an Irish pub chicken parmi. He's also written her a letter for their two-week anniversary (oh GOD) and given her a plant that represents their relationship.
He wants them to water and nurture it. But we all know that poor plant is going to die.
I'm so sorry, there's nothing we can do
Layton, meanwhile, almost burned down his and Melinda's apartment with a toaster and it's given her a bit of an ick. They haven't gotten to know each other on a deep enough level for her to laugh at their near-death experiences together just yet, you see.
But speaking of icks: Jesse's seem to have vanished.
He's going CRYSTAL SHOPPING with Claire and HE IS FINE ABOUT IT.
No, but really. He's even picking out ones he likes to look of and making an effort and I am disturbed by how much I... like him for it.
But do you know who I don't have complicated feelings about? Mr AI-generated red flag himself, Harrison.
Bronte, however, is STILL TRYING.
AND I GET THAT SHE NEEDS TO STAY ON THE SHOW AS LONG AS POSSIBLE TO SET HER UP FOR A WORTHWHILE 15-MINUTES OF FAME BUT AT WHAT COST? AT? WHAT??? COST????? WE ARE SO SICK OF HIM, BRONTE.
Sigh.
They decide on a clean slate just in time for some eye-gazing.
It seems to work for their connection thanks to the fact it's hard to gaslight someone in silence.
NO!!!!!!!! BRONTE!!!! NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Layton and Melinda are also tasked with gazing into each other's eyes and Layton does not... get it. I mean, neither dude, but you're the one on the TV show!
He keeps talking through the challenge and Melinda gets frustrated by not feeling like a priority.
In some truly divine, producer-arranged timing, a message arrives tasking them with five minutes of kissing next.
Melinda isn't keen, but in their apartment, Alyssa and Duncan are DOWN. After they set a timer on their microwave???????
I have many questions about that, but there's no time to ponder because we now have to watch them pash. And pash. And pash again.
Honestly iconic
OMG.
Jesse has done what he does best: written a list.
But this time, it's not about how much he hates when women speak. It's about the things he likes about Claire (and one of them is even related to her talking!!!!)
He likes:
- Her natural beauty
- That she's the life of the party and the instigator of fun
- Her kindness
- Her honesty
- Her open and honest communication
Claire, a 'words of affirmation gal', LOVES it and they decide it's a great time for Jesse to move back in to their freshly saged apartment.
SORRY BUT I LIKE THEM A LOT NOW AND I FEEL SO WEIRD ABOUT IT.
Perhaps I am blinded by the low bar that is Harrison but also LOOK AT CLAIRE'S SMILE
Alyssa and Duncan are still horny AF and I'm sorry but I don't think there is EVER a need for us to hear MOANING noises, even if it's just because of an oily foot massage.
WE ARE HERE FOR THE FLYING FRUITBOWLS, NOT THE SEX SOUNDS.
Hahahahahahahahahahhahahaahhaha
Elsewhere, Layton acknowledges that he has a problem with deep connection and wants to show Melinda that he's willing to work on that, so he plans a dancing date because that's something Melinda loves to do.
Small issue though: he's kept it a secret and Melinda has no idea what to wear.
So they're running AN HOUR AND A HALF LATE.
What?
At that point, I'd just call it a night and crawl into bed.
They arrive for a private lesson, which means these people have been waiting 90 minutes for a two-minute segment on MAFS and JFC I hope it's worth it.
CUTE THOUGH
Okay.
Alyssa and Duncan finally banged.
And the cameras are already back in their room. Did that poor sound guy pictured above just go stand outside for a few minutes? Is this a re-enactment? I need to interview a cast member solely to find out the logistics of these bed shoots.
Elsewhere, Janelle is photographing Adam while he squirts tomato juice on himself. While Sandy and Dan - oh sh*t I genuinely forgot about them - and Tahnee and Ollie go over a truly confronting sex questionnaire.
Please vote in the comments on which of these images is the most cursed:
The less said about this the better
FROTTAGE????????
Adam and the tomatoes are the obvious answer, but I also can't look past 'frottage'.
Uh oh.
Shannon and Caitlin are feeling confident as they start the eye-gazing task. They're laughing and chatting and the music is very ~upbeat~.
Caitlin is talking about how nice it is and I SEE YOU PRODUCERS, SETTING US UP FOR A BIG FALL.
THEN IT HITS.
He spent five minutes starring into Caitlin's eyes only to realise he isn't physically attracted to her.
She asks why his attitude flipped, and he answers delicately, obviously taking her feelings into account.
"The attraction's low. You are a good-looking girl, just not in my eyes," he says.
IS HE SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?
He implies it is Caitlin's fault he still has feelings for his ex???? Because she isn't hot enough to stop him thinking about her????
DUDE.
F*** OFF.
Caitlin is devastated. AS YOU WOULD BE. She's shaking and crying and I want to give her the biggest hug. Is Jesse still throwing around hugs like confetti? Send him down there, stat!
"I came here to find love. And I wanted to love someone and I wanted someone to love me," she says through tears.
PLS TELL ME I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE BAWLING OVER THIS
She gathers herself and prepares to deliver Shannon some home truths.
He tries to talk over her and she's like, "yeah, nah". He says "what are you, my teacher?" and OH BOY DID YOU EVER THINK WE'D DESPISE SOMEONE MORE THAN HARRISON?!
She says she'd be doing a disservice to herself to just sit there and cop it, to which Shannon huffs and says he now feels like he has to apologise AND YEAH MAYBE THAT'S CAUSE YOU ABSOLUTELY SHOULD.
THEN SHE SLAYSSSSS.
"I don't think that you can take me backing myself and being assertive in this situation and try to twist it on me, I will not let you.
"This is me letting you know how I feel. This is me defending myself because I deserve to be defended and I deserve to love myself and I deserve to sit here and say 'I am beautiful' whether you think so or not. I am kind and I am strong."
He has the audacity to look like he's not listening.
"Shan. You don't need to love me, you don't even need to like me but you do need to respect me because I'm a brilliant person. I am amazing. It is a privilege to be in this experiment with me... I deserve better."
And then she leaves.
I F***ING LOVE HER.
SHE'S AN ICON.
SHE'S A LEGEND.
AND SHE IS THE MOMENT.
Bring on tomorrow night!
Chelsea McLaughlin is Mamamia's Senior Entertainment Writer. For more pop culture takes, recommendations and sarcasm, you can follow her on Instagram.
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Feature Image: Channel Nine.
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