'I would like to welcome you to your last ever Logies.' All the stars Sam Pang targeted in his Logies speech.

If you put a comedian in charge of hosting the Logies you just know that you’re in for a really good night.

And Sam Pang did not disappoint with his opening speech at the 63rd annual TV Week Logie Awards in Sydney on Sunday. 

Filled with scathing remarks and backhanded compliments about some of Australia's biggest stars, everyone in the audience was left in stitches (unless you were one of Pang’s victims, and then #awkwardlaughter).  

The footy player turned radio and TV presenter was called up for the top job just two months ago, making it the first time the event has had a host in 11 years. 

From hosting the Eurovision Song Contest to NOVA’s breakfast show with Chrissie Swan and Jonathan Brown and weekly game show Have You Been Paying Attention?, the 49-year-is known for his quick wit and subtle digs. 

And my God, did he deliver tonight. 

After confessing to bringing in a team of “funny people”, Pang delivered his opening address with confidence and cheek as he took aim and roasted the best in the biz. 

So, who was on his hit list? 

Read more: 

Logies 2023: Where to watch the Logie Awards, and exactly what to expect.

Why two of Australia’s biggest TV stars are not attending the Logies.

Ray Meagher.

Pang’s comedy gold began with back-to-back pre-recorded skits with Logie hosts of the past including Rove McManus, Steve Vizard, and Shaun Micallef. 

In one scene, he was spotted riding in the back of a car, testing out his jokes for the awards ceremony.  

“Alright, what about this one,” he said to his driver, who just happened to be Andrew Denton. “Ray Meagher (Home & Away’s infamous Alf Stewart) is so old his driver's licence is in Latin.” 

“Nope, no good,” Denton replied 

“What are you talking about, that’s a funny joke,” Pang pressed.

“It’s a rubbish joke,” Denton responded. “And everyone knows Ray Maegher is dead.” 

Ray Meagher, very much alive, at the 2023 Logie Awards. Image: Getty.

The Logies.

In the same skit, Denton asked Pang about his jokes. “What are these for?” 

“The Logies,” the Australian comedian answered.

“They still on?” Denton laughed..

Jenny Craig.

Another dad joke with Denton, and honestly they were giving me life. 

“Jenny Craig Australia shut down in May and filed for bankruptcy,” Pang said. “According to their CEO, the business lost $300 million in just eight weeks.”

Wendy Harmer.

The 2002’s Logies host appeared in person for a grilling inside Pang’s dressing room. 

“Wendy Harmer, what are you doing in there?” the comedian asked. 

“Well I’ve been in here since 2002 when I hosted the Logies,” she replied.

“Why?” Pang prompted. 

“Witness protection,” the 67-year-old explained. “Anyway, you’ll be great. And if you’re not, there is plenty of room in here, ok.”

The Logies, again.

Finally, the skits were over and Pang appeared on stage.

“Tonight we are gathered to celebrate excellence in Australian television,” he told the celebrity-filled room. “It's a long night but I'll be doing my best to keep things moving. And there’s one thing I can guarantee, and that's over the next two days we're going to have a lot of fun ladies and gentlemen.”

Laughter ensued before the Aussie host took aim at the younger viewers at home. 

“Firstly, if you're under 25, welcome to free-to-air television,” he said. 

Karl Stefanovic.  

Vowing to address the elephant in the room, Pang claimed that he wasn’t Channel Seven’s first choice to host the Logies and that other celebs were asked before him. 

After reeling off a list of celebs, he landed on Today host Karl Stefanovic.

“Karl Stefanovic said yes,” he said before referencing the Today host’s unmentionable altercation with Michael Clarke and their partners earlier this year. “So long as the show was held in a park in Noosa.”

Tom Gleeson 

The fair-skinned Aussie comedian was next in the firing line. 

“After being held on the Gold Coast for the last few years, the Logies returned to Sydney and many people won't know this,” Pang explained, “but we had to make the move because last year on the Gold Coast Tom Gleeson went outside during the day and caught on fire.”

The entire cast of Heartbreak High.

“Tonight we celebrate the best of Australian television and what a year it's been,” Pang told the audience. “Heartbreak High, number one on Netflix.”

Loud cheering followed with the distinct high pitch of millennials. 

“Wow, Heartbreak High, yeh?” Pang responded to the woos. “Well, tonight’s long by the way. By the end of it, you might be mature students.”

Married At First Sight.

“The standard of this country’s television is something we can all be very, very proud of ladies and gentlemen,” Pang said. “And then there was Married At First Sight, which continued to be a ratings juggernaut, and yet another clear sign that we may not make it as a species." 

Laughter. Lots of it. 

“Actually you know what, that might have been a little mean. So to all the Married At First Sight contestants sitting there on table 50, on behalf of everyone here tonight I would like to welcome you to your last ever Logies.” 

The Block and Scotty Cam.

“The Block and Scotty Cam are nominated again for Most Popular Reality Programme, well done Scotty,” Pang applauded. 

“The Block shows Australians what it is like to own their own home, making it the greatest fantasy series since Game of Thrones. 

“This year’s theme is the 1950s, and I’m personally looking forward to the long-awaited return of lead paint and asbestos to our screens.” 

I’m A Celebrity...Get Me Out Of Here. 

“Nominated in the same category is I’m A Celebrity…Get Me Out Of Here,” the radio and TV host continued. “A wonderful show where we find out which Australian celebrities haven’t been adding to their super. 

“Hello Keri-Anne, how are you?”

The entire male population. 

“The Bachelor returns for a tenth season,” Pang announced. “Well done, Osher [Günsberg], congratulations mate. 

“This year we had three Bachelors because of course when women are isolated from their family and friends, what can make them feel safer than more men?” 

Andy Lee.

Just one-half of the dynamic duo was on the cutting block. 

“Both Hamish and Andy are here tonight,” Pang revealed. “Hamish won the gold Logie last year for the second time and he is nominated again this year. 

“And Andy…is mates with Hamish.

“No, not only does he know Hamish, he’s the host of The Hundred, A very, very funny show that sees my friend Andy trying his hardest to interact with ordinary people.”

David Koch.

How could we NOT have a Kochie reference in the wake of his departure from Sunrise last month? 

“Kochie retired after 21 years on Sunrise, well-done mate,” Pang said. “An amazing achievement and there’s no doubt Kochie that you changed breakfast forever. 

“Warth, humour, personality...you needed none of those.”

Listen to the hosts of The Quicky discuss whether a Logie still means something. Post continues after podcast. 

Karl Stefanovic (again) and Sarah Abo.

“And what would a Logies be without Karl Stefanovic?” Pang continued, before referring to the presenter’s revolving door of co-hosts.

“Where is he? There he is on the Today show table. I can’t quite.. Sitting next to your co-host.. I can’t quite see it. Who have you got his year, Karl?

“No, of course it’s the highly respected journalist Sarah Abo, who’s gone from 60 Minutes, where she covered the Russia Ukraine war and the conflict in Syria to the Today Show, where this year her biggest story so far has been covering the Gympie Potato Festival. 

“No, that’s a fun tale, one to look out for tonight. It would be even more fun if Michael Clarke was on it, I tell you Karl.”

Julia Morris (?) and himself.

“I'd also like to address some rumours that have been circulating about myself and Julia Morris,” Pang announced to a shocked audience. 

Ooooooh, what could it be from the man who may or may not be married? 

You see, for a celeb who likes to keep his personal life personal, no one is exactly sure. All we know is that his wife may be Italian and her name may be Adriana Pesavento, or Ann Pang, and they may have a daughter called Sienna but no one knows how old she is. 

Anyway, Pang quietened the crowd. “Please relax, I love Julia, well..things aren't great at home, I’m probably…

“No, the story was,” he continued, “that I may be joining her as a co-host of I'm A Celebrity…Get Me Out Here and I would like to put that to rest that won't be happening. 

“As much as I love Julia, I think the last thing Australians who fought for this country want to see when they turn on the television is an Asian emerging from the jungle.”

Feature Image: Channel Seven.