There are only two sides to Jennifer Aniston. And both are awfully sad. 

Video by Universal.

 

A note that this post is, clearly, sarcasm. 

It is all very sad for 49-year-old Jennifer Aniston.

The Hollywood actress, worth at least $200 million, has won an Emmy, a Golden Globe, has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, formed her own production company, has released no less than six perfumes, and is the face of some of the biggest brands on the planet.

Also a philanthropist, Aniston has long been an ally to the LGBTQI community, has been an ambassador for ‘The Cove PSA’, which is dedicated to stopping the slaughter of dolphins, has donated half a million dollars to Doctors Without Borders, another half a million to the Red Cross and yet another half a million to the Ricky Martin Foundation to help victims of Hurricane Harvey, Irma and Maria, has raised an enormous amount of money for children’s hospitals all over the world, and for the EIF Women’s Cancer Research Fund.

And that is all very well and good.

But Jennifer Aniston, you see, is still very sad.

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Jennifer Aniston has only two settings. We discuss on Mamamia Out Loud. Post continues below. 

She might have lots of friends, and family who she is close to. Her life might be full of meaning and fulfilling relationships.

But none of that matters, because Jennifer Aniston has only two settings: pining for Brad (lonely) or desperately trying for a baby (childless).

It’s just the rules. 

Following news this week that Aniston had separated from her husband of two-and-a-half years, Justin Theroux, the tabloids were all very worried about poor Jen.

“She didn’t expect to be a single again,” a source who is, of course, very close to the actress, hence why they’re leaking the content of private conversations to the press, told People magazine.

It wasn’t Justin’s heartbreak, you see, it was ‘JEN’S HEARTBREAK’ as People magazine headlined their cover.

“Why she still hoped their marriage could be saved…” the cover reads.

If she's not with Justin, she's with Brad. There can be no in between. Image: People magazine.

Just like with Brad Pitt 13 years ago, Aniston was dumped; she is, after all, the perpetual victim, a woman who "isn't a fan of dating"... never was.

"She hates all the media attention that she knows she will get now. But she is a big believer in falling in love and spending her life with a partner that loves sharing hers."

We could not cope with the reality that Aniston might be at nearly 50 years old a single woman, so the rumours began about her and ex-husband Brad Pitt.

"She never quite recovered from Brad..." was the underlying assumption within the pages of magazines. "Now he is single again, she will likely reach out, in an act of sheer desperation..."

Poor Jen. That's all she ever wanted - a man to love her. And no amount of money will fill the void that is her searing loneliness.

We don't make the rules.

We just enforce them.

But her singledom is not the saddest part.

The headlines that have plagued Jennifer Aniston. Image: Daily Mail, Cosmopolitan.
Image: Daily Mail, People magazine.

"Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux tried for children before they split," reported Metro, who read it on People, who heard it from an unnamed source.

Goodness it must be true.

Jen is especially lonely because she never had a baby.

It's not like she hasn't tried, the media mumbles under their breath. If the cover of magazines are anything to go by, Aniston is now actually the mother to 83 babies.

You see, when a woman isn't having babies, the tabloids get very anxious and just pretend she is.

Just after her marriage to Theroux, Stars Changes published a synopsis of her relationship history, and ended with the line: "Now Jennifer Aniston is a happy wife. We wish her to become a happy mother soon too!"

But she failed us. But mostly, she failed herself. 

Because a woman is not anything if she is not married with children.

And Jennifer Aniston, the tabloid caricature, has always reminded us of that.

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