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Hi, George. Long time, no see. Please come in and have a seat. Anywhere is fine. Great — I’ll sit over here.

What brings you in today?

Hmm. Interesting. Well, let’s see. Those are all valid points, and it’s great that you made the step to come see me. Well done. Let’s get started, shall we?

Watch: The horoscopes and self care. Post continues below.

Your wife may be a moody control freak, but chances are she is likely right. So let’s just go with that, shall we?

Ending a sentence with "No, I’m just saying," doesn’t make you right. Just because YOU’RE saying it, doesn’t make it right. Are you a doctor? A lawyer? Exactly. Let’s go to the next one.

Drinking out of the milk carton is a bit juvenile. It doesn’t matter if she doesn’t drink milk. You might have guests over who do. Use a glass. Always.

Putting the seat down isn’t your responsibility, but rather a kind, considerate thing to do. Imagine falling into that cold, wet pit at 2am.

Menopause is a thing, George, but it’s probably not something you are qualified to diagnose or even mention. Best to leave the lid on that Pandora's box. Does that make sense to you?

By the way, unless you’re a therapist, ending every sentence with "Does that make sense?," probably seems patronising. Does that make sense?

If you say 2,800, but you mean 280,000, you need to say that. Your wife is not a mind reader, and saying, "C'mon. You know what I meant," doesn’t seem fair.

Let’s see if I have this right. Your wife who you adore wants you to put your empty bottles into the recycling bin that is three feet from the bench you sit them on. She sounds beastly. See — when I say it, you know she’s right, right?

I can see why you think your wife might be drinking too much, but given what I’ve heard, I think it is totally in line with the situation. I’d recommend getting her a gift certificate to Dan Murphy's for her birthday.

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Your dog sounds incredibly smart, but he likely doesn’t comprehend paragraphs. Try one word commands such as "no" or "come". You seem to struggle a bit communicating clearly with people, so imagine how Dozer must feel.

Five vehicles is three too many.

TJ Maxx is not a 'stuff' store. Pillows are the crown jewels of a room and a necessity, therefore, questioning your wife’s household expenditures seems pointless.

How old is your wife? In her fifties? Chances are that she knows how to wipe a counter, load a dishwasher, and vacuum without instruction. Mansplaining is a thing, George.

Lingerie is nice, George. I get how 'unsexy' tracksuit pants and a T-shirt are, but maybe you should ask, "What am I doing to be sexy?" Men tend to have some double standards in the sexy department. Does that make sense?

What? She nags you about losing weight and eating more healthy? She tries to feed you sticks and twigs? Did you ever think that maybe she loves you and wants you to stick around for a while? Try eating the kale and asparagus. You might like it.

Grey hair is very 'in' right now so I’d just roll with it. What your wife is spending on pillows she is making up for in personal grooming. She sounds brilliant. Just think of all the money you are saving.

This post originally appeared on Medium and has been republished with full permission.

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