rogue

FASHION CRIMES: 'I tried this year's most X-rated festival trend and... no.'

I was scrolling through Instagram when a photo struck me.

“That woman… on the right…” I muttered to myself.

“She has a severe lack of pants.”

“Whats the point of wearing a pants if it doesnt covering your butt?” read one of the comments, and despite the numerous grammatical issues with it, I had to agree.

What is the point of pants if you can see your butt?

Watch: Clare tries the Beginning Boutique Festival Chaps. Post continues after video. 

It’s a question I continued to ask as I discovered that Beginning Boutique, the online retailer who initially posted the photo, have quite a few offerings of crotchless pants.

The ‘I’m A Security Guard But Sexy’ crotchless pants:

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Image via Beginning Boutique.
Why cover your knee when I can see your VAGINA? Image via Beginning Boutique.

The 'I'm In The Desert And Here Are My Sequins' crotchless pants:

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So shiny. Image via Beginning Boutique.

And the 'Sometimes Barbie Likes To Expose Her Private Parts' crotchless pants:

Image via Beginning Boutique.
Innocent. But with my butt out. Image via Beginning Boutique.
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But there are so many issues.

1. Why do these pants break the basic premise of being pants?

2. Can these possibly be flattering on anyone? I know my crotchal-region and butt area aren't ones I want to showcase.

3. What if you wanted to wear a pad?

4. Everything.

So, with a lingering sense of confusion, I decided I needed to do a service to all women, everywhere.

I needed to buy them, and try them, so no one else would ever have to.

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I chose the pink ones because they were the cheapest and there's not a lot of room in my monthly budget for pants that are just for lols.

They were $55.95 (down from $119.95!) compared to a frankly outrageous $99.95 for similar styles.

Despite deciding not to get express shipping, they arrived alarmingly quickly.

When they were placed on my desk by a naive courier, I felt a sense of shame, that he might know that under all that packaging, there was a pile of material pretending to be pants.

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That afternoon, I took them home, desperately regretting every decision I had ever made to get to this point.

Then, I tried them on.

Straight away, there was an issue.

Okay. No.

It turns out these pants bits of material come... unassembled. You literally get two individual leg holes, and are expected to put them on and connect them with a belt.

IT COMES IN THREE PIECES AND IT'S LIKE A PUZZLE EXCEPT WHEN YOU PUT IT ALL TOGETHER THERE'S NO SATISFACTION BECAUSE THERE'S A FUNDAMENTAL PART MISSING (the crotch).

pants
wtf

Once I finally put them on the right way, the result was traumatising.

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This isn't... flattering.

I looked like I was wearing an unflattering pair of pants with a hole where my butt is, mostly because I was wearing an unflattering pair of pants with a hole where my butt is.

This is wildly inappropriate.
Why.
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Was my belly above my undies meant to be exposed? I think so, yes. Did I feel I was exposing enough without wearing an absurdly small top? Also yes.

When I sat down, the result was even worse.

MAKE IT STOP.

Excuse me if I'm mistaken, but I was raised under the impression that the sole purpose of pants is to cover your butt and/or groin and/or legs.

These pants do precisely the opposite, and it doesn't look good. Not even a 'lil bit.

After buying the Beginning Boutique Castle Chap Pants, I've learned the following:

  • Chaps are pants for people who don't understand the basic function of pants.
  • Covering your butt in public is usually a good idea.
  • Clothing should generally come fully assembled.
  • I need to stop spending money on clothes purely because I think they're funny.

Until next time...

For more from Clare Stephens, you can follow her on FacebookInstagram or Twitter.

You can also read:

Fashion Crimes: I tried the Kardashian-inspired latex trend and I'm traumatised forever.

Fashion Crimes: I bought the 'clit hammock' bikini bottoms from Beginning Boutique and I regret everything.

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