Oh no. I tried these viral bikini bottoms and I regret everything.

Welcome to The Unspeakables, a series by Mamamia that tells unflinchingly honest stories about being a woman - whatever that looks like. You can find out more about   The Unspeakables here.

This article was originally published in 2019. 

In hindsight, this was a truly terrible idea.

It started with a photo I didn’t understand.

I object. 

You see, recently fashion retailer Beginning Boutique started selling high-waisted bikini bottoms that seem to ignore a fundamental reality about female genitalia: that it... exists.

Women on Facebook, being the underrated professional comedians that they are, went entirely rogue, responding to photos of the swimwear with perhaps the greatest comment thread of our time. Their funnies included:

"Hmm, nice clit hammock. Sell anything for women with vaginas?"

"I can't even sit like this in a normal bathing suit without my camel trying to stick its toe out and test the water."

"I feel like she has quickly shoved her vagina in and pulled them up like I have to with the towels to shut the laundry cupboard before it all quickly falls out."

Nobody speaks to women like Mamamia. Post continues after video.

"If this woman has a small cameltoe wearing this I'd look like a panda sat on a tightrope."

"I remember an ex telling me that guys refer to girls with big labia as them “having a lot of cash hangin out the wallet”. I’m so fuckin rich compared this poor girl. SO. FUCKIN. WEALTHY."

"Ok so anyone know where I can buy a new vagina??? After seeing this I think mine might be broken."

As an ode to these women, for whom I hold a previously uncharted level of respect, I made a decision: I would buy the 'clit hammock' bikini bottoms, and answer the question thousands of us were asking.

Na, but WTF. 

It wasn't hard to find them. While I initially searched 'clit hammock' on the Beginning Boutique website, I soon learned their official name was the 9.0 Swim Heron Bikini Bottoms, which I decided to buy in red and white because they were $10 cheaper than the all-white version and what am I a fkn millionaire?

I got express shipping.

I don't know why. I think I was excited.

They arrived the following day, and the postman buzzed my apartment. I had to sign for them which felt problematic, given that I believe with every fibre of my being that they should be illegal.

Then, there they were. My first observations were as follows.

IS THIS THE FRONT OR THE BACK IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO KNOW (it's the front).  

 

Where your vagina goes. FYI. 

 

The... g-string back.  

 

 

 

I tried them on. 

So, it turns out I have family members, my Uncle John, etc, who use the internet every now and again, and no one, and I mean no one deserves the injustice of having to see me in these bikini bottoms. It was offensive and also... aggressive?

Look, I'm fairly certain that if I shared the photos I took I would be arrested. But I had another idea. I would draw a detailed, anatomically correct diagram of my genitalia on a pair of nude stockings, and show you that way.

Please pretend this is my vagina.

I'm so sorry.  

 

Again, apologies.  

 

No. NO. 

 

My sister made me do this, which seems highly inappropriate but also... necessary.

They don't... fit.  

 

After buying the 'clit hammock' bikini bottoms and trying them on, I've learned the following:

• $40 (+ shipping) is a lot of money for a LOL when you have no money.
• My genitals are a thing that appear to exist and they definitely need to be covered in public.
• My pubic region isn't an area of my body I particularly want to showcase.
• I'll give credit where credit's due - the bottoms are more of a vulva hammock than a clit hammock, but one of those hammocks where you can't get comfortable and find yourself constantly rolling out just a 'lil bit.
• I'll be sticking to my black Cotton On one-piece this summer, THANK YOU.

For more fashion fails from Clare Stephens, you can follow her on Instagram here.