fashion

Oh no. I tried the Kardashian-inspired latex trend and I'm traumatised forever.

I have… regrets.

What.

You see, this all started with a deep sense of confusion I simply couldn't shake.

While I often find myself unable to understand what the famous people are wearing, one fashion trend has had me particularly perplexed: latex.

It's very... tight. And sweaty. And it makes people look like they've literally dipped their already perfect bodies in paint, and are just walking around naked.

Which is fine. Except I have questions.

Kylie Jenner latex
Excuse me just a few questions.
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HOW.

But also WHY.

When I think about wearing latex, I imagine those nature documentaries where a snake eats a mammal and its tummy stretches to fit it, and you're like snakey you can't lie about having eaten a wombat because I can see it through your skin. 

That would be me except with my lunch. Or, like, some gas.

Watch what happened when I tried the latex trend. Post continues after video.

WHERE DO YOUR BODY PARTS GO AND HOW DO THEY KNOW WHERE TO STAY?

I decided there was only one way to find out, and yes, it was to order a hideous latex outfit online and wear it in real life.

I'm ashamed to admit that I knew exactly where to go. I've been following Fashion Nova on Instagram ever since I found a 'buckle bikini' on their website that I thought was a joke until I realised it was sold out.

bikini
Oh. Okay.
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They're constantly sharing photos of their latex dresses/bodysuits/atrocities, so I assessed my options:

Option 1:

Image via Fashion Nova.
Image via Fashion Nova.

Pros:

  • N/A

Cons:

  • Precarious boob situation
  • Hole in dress
  • Unsure if adjustable straps

Option 2:

Image via Fashion Nova.
Image via Fashion Nova.
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Pros:

  • Shorts make it possible to move without exposing vagina

Cons:

  • Everything

Option 3:

Image via Fashion Nova.
Image via Fashion Nova.

Pros:

  • Shorts, but also fashionably large hole in garment

Cons:

  • Very tight
  • Unsure of how you get it on and off your body
  • WHY ARE ALL THESE OPTIONS FLURO YELLOW IT'S NOT MY COLOUR

The clear winner was option 3, mostly because it was $5 cheaper that option 1, and I thought the hole would solve the sweating issue that would inevitably arise with option 2.

It was $34.99 USD ($49.23 AUD) - approximately $49.22 more than is appropriate for a garment purchased solely for lols.

I got express shipping, which in a nutshell explains why I will never own a home.

When it arrived, I was overwhelmed first by the smell (turns out latex smells a lil' bit like... fish) and second by the extent to which it resembled a balloon that I was expected to wear on my body.

I put it on and GURL.

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fashion-nova
Why did I voluntarily choose to put this on the internet.

Sweetie no.

latex
I was uncertain of footwear so chose... runners (?????)

Let me individually identify the problems:

latex
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Boobs are uneven because they don't know where to... live.

latex

I only ever fake tan the parts of my body you can see so somehow ended up with a hand print of orange that was visible through the... hole. In the side of the garment.

latex
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Dat seam tho.

Guys.

I took a photo where I look like an actual balloon.

latex
Dear God

After buying a latex, Kardashian-inspired jumpsuit, I've learned the following:

  • It's possible to sound like a balloon when you walk
  • The hole was a good idea in that it was the only place for my body heat to escape
  • Fluro yellow (or lime green??) is not my colour
  • There are approximately five women on the planet who could make this look good and they all have the last name a) Kardashian, or b) Jenner
  • $50 is too much to spend on having a personal lol

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