Goodness. It's Emmys day.

Despite a global pandemic and the likelihood that half of Hollywood is... infectious, they're trying to pull off a live TV broadcast for TV awards for TV shows and TV actors for our viewing pleasure.

Thank you so much.

But first... there's a red carpet. Not like, physically but... metaphorically.

How does one show off an entire gown/very expensive shoes in a small Zoom frame? What do we think famous people's pyjamas look like?

I feel like all the men will be wearing shirts and ties with no pants, because OF COURSE.

OOH, first we meet the coach from Glee and she's in her guest house. Same.

A dog, allegedly. Image: Twitter. 

We can tick 'pyjamas' off our Emmys bingo already, because Jane Lynch has PJ pants on and slippers with a very sparkly blazer.

She asks the host where he orders pizza from, 'cause she needs to shake up her order. Like, this really feels like an off-air conversation, but these really are unprecedented times.

OOH Jameela Jamil is here and by here we mean her living room. 

She says quarantine has seen her stare into her fridge in despair for long periods of time and again, SAME. She's also wearing pyjamas and a sequin dressing gown because cute and practical.

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No bra? No heels? NO PROBLEM. Wearing PJ’s to the 72nd Emmy awards (from my house) is my kind of vibes. Excited to see if we win any of the 7 awards we have been nominated for!!!! I still did my make up and wore a sequin dressing gown, because... It’s what Tahani would have wanted. And this is her day, not mine. ❤️

A post shared by  Jameela Jamil (@jameelajamilofficial) on Sep 20, 2020 at 2:21pm PDT

Ok they keep talking about how Giuliana Rancic can't be there and oh, it's because she has COVID. Has anyone checked on Ryan Seacrest?

A series of men I've never heard of speak. One is wearing a tuxedo, alone, in quarantine. Weird flex, my dude.

We then learn the other planned red carpet host Vivica A. Fox ALSO has COVID and had to pull out. Uh oh! It's almost like holding an awards ceremony during a pandemic is a questionable decision!

In positive news, Ted Danson is here a.k.a not here!

MICHAEL! Image: Twitter. 

Oh. His doorbell immediately rings. It's definitely his wife with a strategic move to shorten the interview so he can get back to his couch and sweat pants. That is the Real Good Place.

Then there's a number of other people I don't know, which is less of a critique of their relevance and more of an embarrassment for me, considering writing about television is my job and I swear I'm not totally inept!

Another embarrassment: My Wi-fi... isn't great. I listen to Rain Valdez's entire interview while she's... frozen. 

Oh yes, uh huh, interesting. 

Sorry, Rain, you deserved better.

It finally unfreezes and HEY, IT'S CHIDI. The world isn't a Good Place right now and I've missed Chidi. He's wearing a t-shirt, which is totally not a Chidi thing to do. We stan growth and appreciate him trying to distinguish himself from his character.

Hi Chidi. 

It doesn't work, but it is important to try.

This man from Morning Wars is wearing a blazer with an actual pyjama shirt and everyone else in PJ chic is shaking in their slippers.

When you have an awards show at 5 but bed at 6.  

It's time to talk to Hollywood royalty Regina King, who despite being an Oscar winner within the same city as the hosts HAS A WIFI DELAY.

"Can you hear me?" 

She responds to each question after a five second pause and I feel more secure in my job knowing not even the stars can get good Wi-Fi.

PAUSE. IT'S JANET.

Why is this 'red carpet' just The Good Place cast?

HELLO FRIEND.  

Janet has a dog and trust her to know what the people want. LESS 'How has quarantine been for you?' and MORE dogs, please.

A random E! host then announces she's engaged and has a very sparkly ring. Congrats, I guess? 

We round out the show with Rachel Brosnahan and more importantly her DOG.

LOOK. 

AT. 

THIS. 

MAGNIFICENT. 

CREATURE. 

The red carpet ends and in hindsight... nothing happened.

There was a distinct lack of pets and awkward gaffes and I'm... disappointed.

PAUSE, there's no time to wallow because it's ceremony time, and we open on a beautifully full celebrity crowd.

I know America is doing things… differently, but this doesn’t look AT ALL COVID-safe.

Oh. This is just old footage, and Jimmy Kimmel is actually standing in front of a totally empty stadium with… only a couple of cardboard cutouts. And… Jason Bateman. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

One of these things is not like the other. 

He hasn't aged a day. 

After Bateman calls an Uber, Kimmel moves to another room with… every person you’ve ever seen in a TV show before, ever, appearing on screen in a GIANT Zoom situation.

Frankly, I’m terrified. 

This is anxiety.  

IMAGINE BEING ON A ZOOM CALL WITH SANDRA OH, REESE WITHERSPOON AND KERRY WASHINGTON.

There is precisely no time to f**k around this year, on account of there being nothing to… do, besides actually hand out awards.

First up, Eugene Levy wins Best Actor in a Supporting Role and true, he’s great in Schitt’s Creek but remember him in Mary-Kate and Ashley’s iconic film New York Minute?

OOH, we've been blessed with the presence of Tracee Ellis Ross and some ACTUAL Emmys glamour.

*bows down, fans self, etc.* 

Remember when we wore things other than sweats? Oh, the nostalgia.

She presents a writing award to Daniel Levy, and bless, the hugs between father-and-son duo Eugene and Daniel are wholesome af.

He also wins Outstanding Directing for a Comedy Series and this is beginning to be the Schitt’s Creek show. Not mad about it.

The cast are all together in Canada, so they're mingling and hugging (with masks) and it almost feels... normal. 

HA HA HA I MISS HUGS. 

In an awfully quick snap back to reality, a history teacher introduces the nominees for Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series after saying she misses her students, who she hasn't seen in months.

Holy sh*t, that’s right, there’s a pandemic and America ain’t doing so well.

Anyway, back to the very important and timely award’s show. 

The winner is DANIEL LEVY.

I, for one, am shocked.

Next, Annie Murphy wins Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series. I'll allow you three guesses what show she's from!

Then Jason Sudeikis and his moustache arrive to present Outstanding Comedy Series. But first… a COVID test. 

I support your choices 

But surely there is a better time? 

Live on stage, with results in four-six weeks! Murica!

Now for the winner… *drum roll*

…

…

…

IT’S SCHITT’S CREEK. WHO WOULD'VE THOUGHT? 

Can we just for a moment discuss the hazmat suit situation the award handlers are wearing? It's a whole lot.

Who signed off on this? 

Anyway, now the Schitt's Creek cast are now free to do… whatever they’ve legally allowed to do in Canada right now, and get very drunk.

David Letterman is here, live from… literally the middle of nowhere. He announces John Oliver’s Last Week Tonight the winner of Outstanding Variety Talk Series which is extremely awkward for fellow talk show host Jimmy Kimmel who… wasn’t… nominated.

Now he's on stage talking to an empty stadium so... who's the real winner? (It's John).

OH MY GOD it’s time for another award. We’re just powering through them. Can a gal get a bathroom break?

No? Okay?

Regina King wins Outstanding Lead Actress in a Limited Series or Movie and it appears someone has given her some tech help because her red carpet time delay is gone. 

STOPPPP.

IT’S OUR BOYFRIEND CONNELL'S CATEGORY.

He is Marianne's boyfriend but also all of ours. Image: Stan. 

Oh. He doesn’t win. Mark Ruffalo takes out Outstanding Lead Actor in a Limited Series or Movie for I Know This Much Is True and I guess it’s fine, since he’s one of our backup boyfriends, anyway.

He talks about privilege and voting and equality and ugh, yes, we love a woke Hulk. 

It’s time for another award and hold up, wait a minute.

That is… an alpaca.

??? 

I GOT DRESSED UP FOR NOTHING. 

YOU WILL REGRET LYING TO ME.  

Anyyyywayyyy...

Watchmen’s writers take out Outstanding Writing for a Limited Series, Movie, or Dramatic Special and the alpaca is very excited.

Unorthodox's Maria Schrader wins Outstanding Directing for a Limited Series, Movie, or Dramatic Special. I don't want to freak you out but Unorthodox came out in April. APRIL. That's more than five months ago and we've done precisely nothing since.

Yahya Abdul-Mateen II from Watchmen wins Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Limited Series or Movie. As he ends his thank you speech, just as the camera cuts away, he jumps up and SCREECHES. I feel like Jonathan Van Ness but YES, HONEY, LOVE THAT ENERGY.

Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Limited Series or Movie is taken out by... hold up. Tracey Ullman is not... present, but Tracy Morgan has a mask of her face because Tracy/Tracey's stick together. 

Not to be alarmist, but is Tracey Ullman okay?  

Tracee Ellis Ross is backstage fist pumping.

Angel Uzo Aduba wins and she's just like... "MOM... MOMMY... I WON... MOOOOOM" before having to actually go to her mum because we know parent's aren't coming to us.

Watchmen wins Outstanding Limited Series and before long, it's time for a tribute to industry members who have died in the past year.

Yikes, this isn't a good time for the first major tech glitch of the night.

Jimmy Kimmel stands before a giant photo of Ruth Bader Ginsburg. He is... talking... but no sound is... coming out of his mouth.

WHY COULDN'T THIS HAVE HAPPENED DURING THE ALPACA BIT INSTEAD?

Thankfully, the sound returns in time for H.E.R. to perform 'Nothing Compares 2 U'. It's beautiful and touching etc. etc. 

I'm about ready to drift off... then HOLY SH*T.

IT'S A MINI FRIENDS REUNION and of course they don't have to socially distance, they're in the same bubble!

The One with the Emmys Reunion.  

In the only acceptable outcome, RuPaul's Drag Race wins Outstanding Competition Program.

Then a man named Frank arrives. Hey, Frank.

He tells us television is an invaluable part of culture, and you don't have to tell me Frankie, my couch has a permanent dent in it.

He introduces Oprah. Surely Oprah passed the need for introductions approximately 30 years ago but okay.

She and Chris Rock introduce Tyler Perry as this year's Governors Award recipient - the first individual to win since 2014.

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"I stand here tonight to say thank you to all of the people who are celebrating and know the value of every patch and every story and every colour that makes up this quilt that is our business, this quilt that is our lives, this quilt that is America." - @tylerperry #emmys2020

A post shared by  Mamamia (@mamamiaaus) on Sep 20, 2020 at 7:58pm PDT

We're on the home stretch people. I understand that analogy doesn't work since we're ALREADY AT HOME but it's been hours and my creativity is waning.

Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama Series goes to Jeremy Strong for Succession.

The Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama Series winner is Zendaya and YOU GUYS THIS IS THE BEST REACTION OF THE NIGHT.

We only had to wait almost three hours. 

Bless. 

These. 

People. 

There's screams! There's crying! There's jumping! Cheers! She almost falls off her chair! And a weird hand passes her an Emmy from off-screen!

She is genuinely shocked and says there's hope in the youth despite the fact her show Euphoria shows the... exact opposite. 

Optimism is so endearing right now.

The final writing award goes to Jesse Armstrong for Succession, and the final directing award goes to... also Succession. 

Billy Crudup from Morning Wars wins Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama Series. As his name is announced, he says "Oh, wow, okay" and SIR, YOU CAN'T SAY "OKAY" TO WINNING AN AWARD.

The equivalent actress award goes to Julia Garner from Ozark, and I want to point out she just beat Meryl Streep. Sweetie, put that on your resume right now.

HOLY HECK, WE'VE MADE IT.

It's time for the final award: Outstanding Drama Series.

Sterling K. Brown is here to present, and as he runs on stage Jimmy Kimmel has to do an awkward skip/run to get out of the way. Because VIRUS.

Anyway... the winner is Succession. 

Omg. The writer speaks and then... THE PHONE RINGS. Grandma is definitely ringing - because it was a landline, and only grandmas ring landlines - to congratulate her grandson, but GRANDMA WE'RE LIVE AROUND THE WORLD, HE'LL HAVE TO CALL YOU BACK.

This guy's phone ringing during his acceptance speech for Best Drama Series while Kieran Culkin drunk laughs makes the pandemic all worth it. #Emmys #Succession pic.twitter.com/FKeWjtDAGU

— Pasha Bahsoun (@ThePashaB) September 21, 2020

Well. 

We made it. 

Let's hope the world... sorts this coronavirus thing out because I simply cannot take another virtual awards show. 

We want to watch in-person awkward celebrity moments pls, without any alpacas.

And I never want to see another Zoom window ever again.

Feature image: Foxtel.