Brittany Hockley is 36 and wants kids. Pregnancy is 'all she thinks about'.

Despite what it may look like on Instagram, Brittany Hockley often feels like "a hot mess inside". 

When Mamamia's But Are You... Happy? podcast first came on Hockley's radar, she says it immediately piqued her interest. But initially she didn't feel mentally ready to open up about how she was really feeling.

This week Hockley spoke with the podcast's host Clare Stephens, about how her life has changed since having a public profile. There have been plenty of opportunities and great experiences of happiness that have arisen from that profile - but also a profound sense of isolation.

"In my 20s I was a hospital worker and worked as an emergency radiographer for 13 years all around the world. I was truly happy and I lived a pretty simple life. I didn't have social media," she explains. 

Now with an incredibly successful podcast and growing radio career, Hockley is a recognisable person to a lot of Aussies. It's a job she is proud to have created for herself alongside her co-host Laura Byrne. 

But there's been a "constant battle" along the path to public success. 

Watch: a lookback on Brittany Hockley and Laura Byrne on No Filter. Post continues below. 

"I've never gone to a psychiatric facility, I haven't been on antidepressants. But I have a real struggle with mental health and feeling very, very low. And there's definitely been points in my life where I should have been on antidepressants," she notes.

"I would hate for anyone to look at me from the outside and be jealous of what I have. Because it's really important that people remember, there's so much behind the scenes that you don't see."

For the best part of a decade, Hockley was single. 

It was a conversation had regularly via her podcast, fans of hers listening intently to her dating stories and journey.

Then recently she met Swiss footballer, Benjamin Siegrist, who is a goalkeeper for Scottish team Celtic Football Club.

"I did have some really horrific relationships, publicly and privately. I always just thought, when I finally fell in love, it would be that missing little puzzle piece to make my life complete," she says.

"I figured I wouldn't stress, I wouldn't worry about anything else."

Of course, reality soon hit Hockley like a tonne of bricks. 

Although she and her partner are incredibly happy together, life circumstances still mean hurdles have had to be faced. They both live in different countries, there is an age difference between the two, with Siegrist being five years younger, and Hockley says she feels the pressure of her internal fertility clock ticking away. 

"I'm 36, I don't have kids, and I have some fertility issues. I'm doing my second round of egg freezing. I'm not saying I'm trying to have a baby now. But these are the things you think about at 36. And I hate being that woman that puts a number on the biological clock, but it's there and whoever tells you it doesn't matter is lying," she tells But Are You... Happy.

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A post shared by Brittany Hockley (@brittany_hockley)

Even the process of egg freezing itself can be a really challenging experience - lots of women saying they experience a lot of internal competitiveness and self-criticism. 

"I had all these friends that have had abortions, miscarriages, accidental pregnancies, pregnancies very easily - you name it. And I've never had anything. And so in the back of my mind, I always thought what if my body isn't going to be able to do it," she explains. 

With this in mind, Hockley feared her fertility wasn't exactly stellar. So she told herself and others that being a mother wasn't high on her priority list. Deep down though, she felt - and still feels - differently.

"I'm 36, in love, and it is literally all I think about. Pregnancy consumes probably half of my day, half of my brain space. Can I do it? When will I do it? How will I do it? What will it look like when I do it? Where will I have to move to do that? How much is it going to cost me because it probably won't happen naturally? If it does happen naturally, the statistics of something being wrong with my child are higher. It's just all you start to think about. 

"I feel lucky, you know, I'm not falling pregnant or having miscarriages. And I know a lot of people are. But I understand the brain space it takes up because it's a decision that changes your entire life."

Social media certainly doesn't help either.

"Comparison culture is alive and thriving. And it's no thanks to social media. Of course, we love and we hate social media at the same time. It's hard," she notes.

With all of this in mind, Hockley wants you to know one thing - happiness is a work in progress. And so too is self confidence and self love.

"I would say I'm content. If I had to pick on the spectrum now if I'm more happy or more unhappy, I'd say more unhappy. I love my job, I love my family and where I live. But there's a lot of personal things that I'm battling at the moment, and I battle them daily. And I would hate for people to think that I did live a perfect life," says Hockley.

"What I want people to know - life isn't always what it seems."

You can listen to the full episode with Brittany Hockley on But Are You... Happy now. 

If you think you may be experiencing depression or another mental health problem, please contact your general practitioner. If you're based in Australia, 24-hour support is available through Lifeline on 13 11 14 or beyondblue on 1300 22 4636.

Feature Image: Instagram @brittany_hockley.

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