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The Twins recap 2021: Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse.

It's the end of 2021 and at this point it's honestly almost... funny.

Almost.

Do we have COVID? Probably. Was Christmas cancelled? Mostly, yes.

In NSW we no longer say "Stay safe". We say with a solemn nod, "I hope you get COVID at a time that works with your calendar," to which our loved one replies, "you too". And then we go in to elbow bump but the other party doesn't understand so they shake our elbow with their hand and then we feel awkward so go to shake their hand but they try for a fist bump instead and f**k it why not just kiss on the cheek, here's some virus xxx.

Now that we're in the last week of December, all the influencers have COVID. Which makes us feel confused, as their job - generally speaking - is to make us want what they have. And now we're like is COVID... maybe... cool? Do you have a... discount code? Is your antigen test... #sponcon?

But we're skipping ahead. 

Things no one says in 2021... post continues below. 


Video via Mamamia. 

In order to fully comprehend the sh*tshow the world currently finds itself in, we must reflect on the year that was. 

Last year, we did a recap of 2020 with a headline that simply read: "That was so f**ked up". We ended it with the line, "Here's to the end of the worst year of our lives."

Buried within that sentence was a degree of hope.

We no longer have that hope. You see, it was simply just the worst year of our lives so far

And then came 2021.

We begin in January. New Year, New Me some might say. But not former President Donald Trump. Even though he straight up loses the US election in December, that's not how he sees it. Going into 2020, he argues that none of the votes against him count (??) so in fact he got all the votes (???). He incites so much unrest about the election results that in the first week of 2021, a bunch of people storm the Capitol building and five people die. 

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Well. Happy f**king New Year. 

Why are you like this.

Also in January, in Australia, it’s meant to be the holidays. Instead, we spend our time invested in two very serious crimes. The first involves Hilaria Baldwin pretending to be Spanish for a decade, and everyone essentially saying, no: enough now. You cannot be on the cover of HOLA magazine solely because you like paella and an afternoon nap. That's not how being Spanish works.

The second involves Armie Hammer - the actor who - in a series of grammatically confusing messages - confesses to being 100 per cent a cannibal and also requesting to remove a woman’s toe and keep it with him. Sir, you can’t have that. It’s not yours.

In March, a container ship gets stuck in the Suez Canal and disrupts global trade, costing hundreds of millions of dollars. As our pop culture editor Keryn Donnelly put it, while Ever Given was quite literally physically stuck in the Suez Canal, we felt metaphorically stuck in the Suez Canal. It was as though we made a wrong turn somewhere, and accidentally blocked the biggest trade channel in the world and countries are rationing their fuel and everyone’s watching us but we still can’t move and the whole thing is just mortifying. It puts things into perspective, in that while we all make mistakes, we don’t all make mistakes that are visible from space.

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We also watch as Oprah interviews Meghan Markle and Prince Harry, and asks: "WERE YOU SILENT OR WERE YOU SILENCED?" and we squeal. We learn that one of the royals is a racist and we’re like.... errr no offence but aren’t they all racists??

But this interview is ultimately distracting us from a far more pressing question:

With all due respect, WHERE THE F**K ARE OUR VACCINES, SCOTT.

?!

Well. It turns out that a kind fellow named Greg Hunt missed an email. From Pfizer. And now millions of Australians can’t get jabbed because we don’t have the supply… and if we thought a ship caught in a canal was relatable. This is truly the most relatable thing a politician has ever done and - while very high stakes - some part of us can understand accidentally archiving an email offering to vaccinate an entire population. Such a 2021 mood. 

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Then a bunch of news events take place. Prince Phillip dies. Cara Delevingne invites us into her quirky house with a vagina tunnel that serves no functional purpose. Orlando Bloom shares his truly heinous daily routine. 

But... oh.

There's an announcement.

Sydney goes into a two-week lockdown. Just two weeks. A lil' circuit breaker.

Two weeks turns into 100 days which, according to our calculations, is 6000 weeks, and Melbourne, which is already one of the most locked down cities in the world, locks down again. No one sings this time. And dear God no one throws themselves into a hobby. All we do for months is roll out of bed, go to the cafe for a takeaway coffee - NOT IN A KEEPCUP - sit hunched over our laptop for eight hours a day and then maybe go for an evening cocktail walk. 

In July, we also learn the story of a man named Michael who got stuck inside a whale and we swear this is how sh*t like COVID starts. Most of us are fairly certain it’s a lie but honestly stranger things have happened so we listen intently while he tells us the whale came out of nowhere and everything went dark. Miraculously, the whale reached the surface of the ocean and decided to spit and release Michael out of its mouth. Can you imagine when he went to… hospital? About it??

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At the end of July, the Olympics begin, and we suddenly become experts when it comes to trampolining specifically. 

In September, Kim Kardashian goes to the MET gala as everyone’s new sleep paralysis demon. The theme was obviously 'American Independence' so naturally another woman dresses as a horse. Megan Fox and Kourtney Kardashian debut their new weird boyfriends and we find ourselves asking: what is a Machine Gun Kelly and what does it do?

Then we get the most salacious celebrity story of the year: Nadia Bartel is photographed snorting a white powder with a group of friends during Melbourne’s lockdown off Kmart plates. We do not know how/where/when we learn they were Kmart plates, but the extensive reporting insists we know that. 

In September and October, a few states around Australia are allowed outdoor picnics for the fully vaccinated. Which is lovely. Except for the following issue: picnics are hell and we hate them. For the following reasons:

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- How does one describe where they are in a park? I'm on the grass. Near the thing. 

- I don't want to cook or bake or generally have to prepare anything. That's why restaurants were invented. 

- Dogs have had the run of parks for too long. It's their territory now. They don’t even remember that people could once sit in parks so they’re understandably upset that there are humans sitting in their playground 

- That child is screaming and how dare it. 

- OK now they're not screaming. They're just standing on our rug staring at us in silence and we don't know who to alert.

- This surface isn’t flat and now my plastic wine glass has toppled.

- A minute ago I was sweating and now I’m shivering.

As if we didn’t feel depressed enough about the state of the world, COP26 in November assures us: no, really, things are terrible. And it's especially YOUR FAULT Australia, because your prime minister is a gossipy little weasel who’s starting fights with the hot president of France. It’s embarrassing. 

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Scott Morrison gets into a weird...tussle... with Emmanuel Macron about the whole submarine deal thing and, as always, Morrison does the honourable, classy thing.

He leaks text messages. Between him and the hot president. Cool.

Now it’s December and we have a glorious Sex and the City reboot where Miranda is definitely lying about not listening to podcasts so she doesn’t have to listen to Carrie’s.

'My phone is broken.'

In some parts of the country, La Nina is raining on everything. Tens of thousands of Australians are stuck inside, some sick with COVID, some close contacts, and others who just really, really don't want to see their family. 

As we approach New Year's Eve, we feel like there's no point celebrating because what good did it do us last time?? We full made resolutions for 2021 and thought we'd be out of this mess but we're just further in it?

To recap this year, we simply want to say: Stop. Fin now. Not funny anymore. 

2021 was the sequel no one asked for, and 2022 needs to get its own plot. Otherwise we're writing a formal complaint to... Jesus.

For more from Clare and Jessie Stephens, you can follow them on Instagram @thetwins_thoughts or listen to their podcast, Cancelled on Apple or Spotify.