'Please stop trying to shame me into liking anal sex.'

I’m fed up with all the people of the internet telling me that I just haven’t given anal a proper go.

Here’s the thing. If you enjoy anal sex, or if you are interested in that flavor of intimacy, go ahead and do what you feel. That’s what intimacy is all about, right? Sharing ourselves in ways that feel good for us.

But while you’re at it, please quit shaming the women who have decided that anal isn’t our thing.

To the men who want anal but aren’t getting it:

Welcome to the real world where you can’t always get what you want. In terms of heterosexual relationships, anal sex is significantly more vulnerable and risky for the woman.

If you’re shaming a partner or potential partner because she doesn’t like anal sex, you’re not mature enough to handle adult relationships.

Yes, everybody has their preferences in the bedroom, but a man with a penis has got several different ways to get off. If you’ve found that anal is the only way to satisfy your sexual desires, it’s worth exploring why.

When it comes to anal sex, some of the most vocal and insistent men display the most sexism and force in the bedroom trying to make anal happen.

You might like the sense of control anal gives you. You might even like the idea of your female partner being in some sort of pain. Real or imagined.

How to have better sex. Post continues after video. 

But anal isn’t always kinky. Sometimes, it’s something darker. And for many women, the entire anal experience has been ruined by men who used shame or sexual assault in an effort to get what they want.

If your partner doesn’t want anal, quit pushing it and find something else you both can enjoy.

To the women who like anal and think it’s everything:

Enjoy! But for Pete’s sake, quit trying to convince other women that we are somehow less sexually adept than you just because our experiences vary.

I don’t know what it is that drives some women to want to look “better” than other women, but it isn’t cute.

Quit insinuating that a woman who doesn’t enjoy anal sex is somehow missing out on mindblowing orgasms or depriving her male partner of the best sex of his life.

Just stop. No, really, stop. Women face enough undue pressure in relationships and the bedroom. We carry expectations which men will never have to consider for themselves and it’s exhausting to see fellow women encourage this line of thinking at all.


Anal sex is not everything, at least, not for every lady. Anal orgasms are not undeniably better.

The whole idea that women who don’t like anal sex simply haven’t had a good experience with it yet is demeaning and dangerous. The beauty of our experiences in the bedroom should revolve around mutual trust and respect.

When we tell women that they just haven’t done it right, we’re seizing their autonomy. Sex isn’t sex if we can’t make decisions for ourselves about what is right for our own bodies.

And nobody has the right to tell somebody else what to put in their body or how. Even a dick.

LISTEN: Porn star Madison Missina and prude Carla GS discuss the ins and outs of anal sex. Post continues below. 

Hard limits are not inherently selfish.

I understand how this is a touchy subject. Giving and receiving in the bedroom are big deals. I don’t believe in denying rights to pleasure.

And yet, there must be some balance between bodily autonomy and partnership. It doesn’t matter if we’re talking about a romantic relationship, a more casual sexual exchange, or anything in between.

We don’t have the right to demand pleasure or even a certain kind of pleasure from a partner.

That said, perhaps some people are not well-suited for each other sexually. That’s not the end of the world, and there are plenty of ways to deal with any sort of sexual imbalance or incompatibility within a relationship.

But shame and force are never the answers and will only breed more mistrust.

I am not an anal sex kind of girl.

This doesn’t bother me one bit. Personally, I feel that I am pretty damn adventurous and I don’t owe anybody anal sex.

I have tried it despite not wanting to try it, and despite my best efforts, it doesn’t appeal to me at all. I don’t like the sensations. I don’t like worrying about my anus at all. Nothing about it feels kinky or fun–not even in theory.

However, there are some anal sex-adjacent activities which I might be willing to allow depending upon the partner. It’s my body and my choice to give permission or not.

Sometimes, I may be willing to compromise and be a little uncomfortable as long as it doesn’t press a hard limit.

But a penis in my butthole is a big freaking no.

I’m just tired of reading stories in women’s magazines that suggest we women who say no to anal are only saying no because we’ve got some stick up our asses about it.

That’s not how hard limits or healthy relationships work.

This post originally appeared on Medium and has been republished with full permission. You can read more from Shannon Ashley on Medium, or follow her on Twitter