Mamamia recaps The Bachelors: THIS IS THE MOMENT WE'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR.

Senior features and opinion writer

January 15, 2023

We open on... DEAR GOD, what on earth is that noise?!

Oh, it's just Jed awakening the dead with his drumming.

Poor Thomas, who just wanted some "me time", has to contend with both Jed and Felix joining him on the couch in their Bach Pad to bemoan their issues, namely: Jess and Tash.

Felix says he is open to seeing where things go with Jess, while Jed says he just wants Tash to stop bringing the drama.

Over in the Bach Mansion, Tash receives Jed's thoughts by telepathy, and promptly apologises to Jess. Tash tells us she doesn't think she has anything to apologise for, but she's just doing it so that the other girls, who she calls "the hyenas", can stop fussing.

Whereas a leopard can't change its spots.

Adrienne Tam

Senior features and opinion writer

January 15, 2023

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The Spill

Osher arrives to tell the ladies that the lads have organised special group dates that mean a lot to them.

In Felix's case, this means a day at Wet'n'Wild theme park. Of course.

Women in bikinis mean a lot to Felix.

Thomas's ideal group date involves words like "wellness" and "holistic". No judgement if this is your thing, but it's the stuff of my nightmares. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'd rather be with Felix on his group date.

No.

Jed's group date entails hanging out at Palazzo Versace, drinking champagne and getting their nails done.

He obviously wins the group date, hands down (no pun intended).

Also, there's high tea.

It cannot get any better.

Over at Thomas's date, they're doing an activity called "eye-gazing", which is exactly what it sounds like. Two people gaze into each other's eyes for two minutes without saying a word.

I would rather gouge my eyes out than do this, but Thomas and his partner Kiki are really, really enjoying it.

"You have an eye booger."

At Wet'n'Wild, Yuri is not feeling the vibe between her and Felix.

"I just feel like this is all of a game for him," she tells us. "I just feel like he's not taking this seriously, and that he wants us to be fighting over him."

Jasmine is also questioning things with Jed. She sits down with him by the pool at Palazzo Versace to discuss what Tash said about her OnlyFans account. To his credit, Jed tells her he doesn't give two hoots about it. But then the conversation shifts to Tash, which annoys Jasmine.

The next day, the bachelors come over to Bach Mansion for a pool party. Krystal casually tells us she's been thinking of a future with Felix, and it involves them being really hot together, having lots of sex, and her popping out Felix's "big, tall, strapping children".

As for the man himself, he tells us that he is trying to tone down the PDAs after getting into trouble for kissing Tilly twice in front of everyone and then kissing Naomi at the pool date in the Bach Pad.

Nek minute...

"Let me eat your face. Again."

Felix and Tilly can't keep their mitts - or mouths - off each other. The other women watch in a stupor, wondering how this is happening again.

"Automatic red flag," our hero Yuri says. "I just cannot stand men who pit girls against girls for their own amusement."

The women confront Felix about his disrespectful behaviour, but he brushes them off. "There's not an element of me that wants to be intentionally disrespectful there, but I am going to be disrespectful to someone if I ignore that intimacy," he tells them. "I'm going to be quite blunt here. This is a very difficult situation for me to be in."

I mean, Thomas and Jed have somehow managed not to kiss their dates in front of everyone else, just sayin'. Is it any wonder Felix has given us all the ick?

Over by the private balcony, Thomas and Kiki continue their eye-gazing exercise and they share a sweet kiss. Afterwards, they touch noses and smile goofily at each other like some sort of rom-com movie. Uh-oh, maybe the fairytale ending with Leah and Thomas is in jeopardy.

And then Kiki tells Thomas she has a daughter and a son - which throws him off completely.

"Oh gosh. My deal breaker was that," he tells us. "I wasn't really looking - nothing wrong with it - I really wasn't... my vision of my partner wasn't to partner up with a mum."

Come on, Thomas. Look at former Bachelor Sam Wood and his lady love Snezana - she was a single mum and now they're a family of six!

As Thomas stews in uncertainty, Jasmine takes the opportunity to provide him with even more confusion. She takes him aside and basically tells him she likes him, and is kind of wondering if he feels the same.

via GIPHY

At the rose ceremony, even Osher can't help making fun of Felix. "Your bachelors took you on separate group dates where they shared with you something really important to them, something they absolutely love," he says. "Which for Felix meant getting wet and wild."

Osher does not compute.

Our always dapper host asks Jasmine how she's feeling about Jed, to which she lets it be known that she's actually into Thomas.

This is Tash's reaction:

Tash has opinions on this matter.

Chocolate woman whose name is MARJ pipes up to say that Jasmine is "scrambling" for a rose in order to stay.

"Actions speak louder than words," Tash says. Jasmine agrees. Tash is flummonxed.

The bachelors come in to hand out their roses. As Felix steps forward and pulls out a rose from the bunch, our hero Yuri interjects.

THIS IS THE MOMENT WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR.

IT'S.

HAPPENING.

"Actually, Felix, there's something I'd like to say to you," Yuri begins. "I came here chasing a spark, and since I've arrived at the mansion, I haven't felt anything. And look, Felix, you're a great guy, but there are certain qualities that I desire in a man which you don't possess."

OUCH.

"So, don't spend a rose on me," she continues. She turns towards the women. "Ladies, thanks for making my life in the mansion a dream. I love you all and I wish you all the best."

God bless Bella.

And with a snarky "good luck" to Felix, she is outta here.

We didn't deserve you, Yuri. But please come back as the Bachelorette, thank you.

The ladies break out into applause. It's a fabulous moment for television.

Understandably, Felix is feeling a bit low.

The face of someone not used to rejection.

But he hands out the rest of his roses without a hitch.

The same can't be said for Jed. After calling Jasmine's name, she comes up to him and rejects his rose.

Again, to Jed's credit, he hugs her and says, "That's totally fine." Instead of leaving, Jasmine goes back to the group of women, which means she is waiting for Thomas to make his final decision.

Of course, when there is only one rose left, Thomas steps forward. Will he choose Jasmine, or will he choose the blonde lady whose name I don't know?

HE CHOOSES JASMINE. (We all knew this was going to happen though, right?)

WE ARE SHOOK. (Kind of).

Just as an aside, did anyone notice this woman yawning in the background? It's hilarious.

Just me?

Some of the women are happy for Jasmine. Some, not so much. Tash, chocolate woman whose name is Marj, and serial lurker CJ are seething over Jasmine's defection, even though this is precisely what Osher told them might happen during the course of the show.

Felix, who is already shaken by Yuri's leaving, is even more rattled. "There's a bit of concern because Tommy's a threat. Jed's a bit alternative and extreme. Me and Tommy share a lot of common things. He's like if you take every aspect of my character and improve it by 50 to 60 per cent, you get Thomas."

Oh, Felix. It's more 100 per cent. You ain't no Thomas.

Once again, to Jed's credit, he tells Jasmine she doesn't need to feel bad, and that she has every right to make the decision that is right for her.

And while Jasmine basks in her happiness, high-heels Tash who was engaged to a bachelor, chocolate woman Marj, and always lurking in the background CJ sit, sip... and scheme.

"We need more attention."