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"I applied to be on The Bachelor, and it was weirdly therapeutic."

Applications for The Bachelor contestants are currently open and being the reality TV fan hopeless romantic that I am, this year I’ve decided to apply.

Why, you ask?

Well, look. I don’t really want a career change. Nor am I super into helicopters or sea planes.

I also have zero plans to launch a lifestyle blog (but, like, I’m not ruling it out), I’m not an extrovert and I certainly haven’t got some weird kink for pashing on national telly.

I’m doing this, like so many before me, for love. Duh. I want a fairytale romance and a rope access technician to sweep me off my feet.

I'm ready.

I'm also maybe, sort of just a teensie bit curious about how it works too? C'mon, admit it. Don't you want to know how they find these people?

Anyway I filled out the form, which was actually a lot more involved than I realised.

When in doubt, I just tried to channel my inner Bach contestant.

What Would Keira Do?

via GIPHY

The first step was logging on, which I totally nailed by the way.

Then I provided some basic information - name, age, address, occupation. Still nailing it.

Then came Clothing. Okay, so I couldn't remember my height but I guesstimated. I did know my shoe size and dress size, though.

I can already picture myself at the first rose ceremony, can't you?

Can't you just see it?
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Tell us about yourself in a sentence:

Well, "I'm a wildly neurotic career-focused woman in my mid (late) twenties who is looking for love in all the wrong places." Perf.

What are you genuinely passionate about? Memes.

What makes you happy & sad? I really like competing against my peers in demeaning physical challenges, so there's that. And also I love EXTREME dating. (Neither of these things is remotely true.)

I get sad when I step on a slug in bare feet have to share the guy I'm dating with multiple other women or, um, stare into the abyss of my partner-less existence for too long.

What fires you up? 
Ooh. Tough one. Roses?

Catch up on our latest episode of The Binge (post continues after snippet):

When did you last cry and why? I cry myself to sleep most nights, mostly from the creeping loneliness.

What scares you and why? Dying alone, obviously. But also crabs.

Do you have any bad habits? If so, what are they? I love being the centre-of-attention and, like, I'm pretty competitive. (I lie a lot.)

What is your best feature? People say I look like Miranda Kerr, I dunno though.

What is your worst feature? Probably that people get jealous of my Miranda Kerr-like physique.

Tell us a story about yourself:

Once when I was in Year 10 I wet my pants on a tram at peak hour. I was wearing my winter uniform at the time so I had to walk home with my sodden tights in my lunch box.

Three people reported me to my high school. It was truly character building.

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Do you have any tattoos and/or piercings? If so, what and where are they?

None. Okay, seven. Maybe eight actually. They're all in my ears - except the one in my nose. I also have a tattoo of a tiny fisherman on my arm.

Then (after quickly removing some incriminating photos) I provided my social media deets, selected my cultural background (white, so you know, I guess I'm a shoe-in) and described my typical day at work.

I proceeded to answer some more invasive questions about my weird friends and family, before breezing right on through to the Relationships section, which was where things took a turn.

First off, they asked if I was single. You would think this was a requirement but apparently, it's not.

Then they asked how many sexual partners I've had, both male and female. Happily, I have a list in my phone but IS IT REALLY ANY OF YOUR BUSINESS, CHANNEL TEN?

Jesus, is this the Melbourne Sexual Health Centre or a sexless prime-time dating show?

Moving on!

Have you ever been in love? Tell us about it. I've been in love four(ish) times. Clearly none of them worked out. NEXT QUESTION.

Would you move cities for love? Okay, given they ask this up front, I'm actually a tad surprised everyone acts like it's SUCH A BIG DEAL on the show? Guys, the odds of you meeting someone who lives two hours from you, shares all your interests and is beloved by your family is just so unlikel-OH sorry, Nikki.

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How do you behave when you fancy someone? Well, I usually agonise over their text messages and relentlessly stalk them/their ex-partners/their pets on Facebook. How about you? I mean, sometimes I giggle a bit. Heh.

Have you ever broken hearts? Tell us about it... In Grade 6 a boy put this card in my desk on Valentine's Day and my class teased me so relentlessly I told him to bugger off.

A photo posted by Jo Robin (@jofacekillah) on

If there is anything you regret doing in your past relationships what is it? (Don't say you're a commitment-phobe, don't say you're a commitment-phobe, don't say you're a commitment-phob-) I probably move too fast.

Do you have any skeletons in your closet, e.g. Jilted lovers, sex tapes, unauthorised photos? Once I showed my boobs to some teenage boys on Chat Roulette, they may have taken a screen shot. I simply do not know.

Are you ready to fall in love? SO READY.

Please join me for Netflix and literally nil. 
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Would you like to get married one day? Yeah, duh.

Do you want kids? I do, but I once killed two pet axolotls in a fortnight, so it might not be wise.

Describe your ideal partner:

I just want someone who likes me for me, not because I look like Tyson Beckford.

What are the top 3 things that put you off when searching for a future partner?

  1. Rope
  2. Access
  3. Technician

What is your perfect date? Ooh, OOH. Standing around a suburban mansion with HEAPS of women in cocktail dresses being ploughed with champagne on camera. (Star Wars.)

What irritates you the most about the opposite sex? Men.

What is the best date you have ever been on? Went to see Star Wars, probably.

¿Por que no los dos? !

A video posted by Jo Robin (@jofacekillah) on

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What’s the worst date you have ever been on? Why? My high school boyfriend once took me bong shopping.

What has been your worst experience in life so far and how have you overcome it? Once in Year 8 I accidentally trod on a small bird during activities camp. It died and an entire year level of private school girls chanted "bird killer" until I cried. I moved schools.

Do you have any fears or phobias? NOT TODAY, SATAN.

What are your hobbies/interests?

Selfie.

Are you sporty/outdoorsy give us some examples? If not why? See above.

Tell us about a typical night out for you? I would rather not.

If you were meeting The Bachelor or a Bachelorette for the first time on the red carpet, what would be the first thing you would say to him/her? 

To wrap it all up there was some medical questions, some more about my motivations - which frankly I felt were pretty clear by that point - and then they asked who I could picture myself with from previous seasons (Matty J, duh)

Finally they asked: "What is the ONE thing you wouldn’t want your fellow candidates to find out about you?"  

Which I was NOT falling for. (But maybe the bird thing).

All in all the process was incredibly therapeutic, I got a lot of my chest and I am now, well and truly, ready to see Osher's hair up close find my forever person.

If you wanna share a bunk, put in your application here.

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