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This post contains depictions of sexual assault and may be triggering to some readers.
Fifteen years ago, in my early twenties, I was sexually assaulted. I remember the evening very clearly.
I had been out with friends at a bar, we had been drinking and dancing and doing all of the things you do in your carefree uni years. At some stage during the evening I met a guy, he was a bit older than me but he seemed genuinely nice and we ended up kissing on the dancefloor in one of those drunken hook-ups that looking back now seems like it occurred in an entirely different universe to the one I exist in today.
When the music ended and the lights came on signifying the evening was drawing to a close, he asked if he could come home with me. I told him yes because in that moment I meant it.
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Back at my friend’s house where I was staying, he joined me in bed, he started to kiss me and touch me. But after a few minutes of doing this he then pushed my head down toward his penis, very obviously wanting me to go down on him.
I pushed back on his hand and tried my best to say no with my body, resisting his literal pressure to perform this sexual act upon him. When he ignored my attempt to fight his pressure, he applied even more strength to push me back down.
This is when I verbally said “no, I don’t want to,” but rather than stop, he ignored me. He kept pushing my head, quite strongly now, so I said “no” again.
“Come on,” he replied in a tone that suggested he wasn’t going to give up. “It’s the least you can do, don’t be a tease,” he continued, as if I owed him, as if I wasn’t allowed to change my mind and say no.
At this point I was afraid, I was only 20, he was physically much larger than me, I had no idea what to do or to say to escape the situation I was in.
At that time, I feared that if I didn’t just do what he was asking, what he was pressuring me to do, that he would force me into having sex with him instead.
So, the next time he pushed me down I didn’t resist, I didn’t say no, I just did it; it seemed the lesser of two evils.
Then I left the bed, went to my friend’s bedroom and locked her door behind us.
The next morning, he left giving me a kiss on the cheek, a kiss that made my stomach churn with resentment, with utter disgust and he left. I never saw him again.