We have all suffered from heartache, pain, loss and sadness. In two weeks I will have been a single mum for 14 months. My son will be three-and-a-half, my daughter will be one-year-and-four-months-old.
Throughout my journey so far, I cannot count how many times I have had advice similar to “you just need some time, after all time heals all wounds.”
I never felt much connection with that way of thinking because to me, it’s not the time that does the healing but what you do with the time that heals. Like any other aspect of life, mourning and transition are an active process, not a passive one.
I became a single mum because I wanted a more peaceful, positive and healthy home environment for my kids and for myself. When I made the decision to leave my children’s father I was faced with various hardships, the emotional, mental, physical and financial.
Holly Wainwright wants to defend all the shouty parents out there. Post continues after audio.
I had to dip into my savings to get a place for us to live temporarily and this was difficult. I had to find a place at short notice, that would accomodate a dog and that was also far enough away that we couldn’t be found. Physically, emotionally and mentally I had to be 100 per cent switched on, even more so because I felt I had to justify my decisions and actions.
One night over another glass of Pinot Noir I finally lost it. After holding it together for a month, I cried and cried into a pillow so the kids sleeping couldn’t hear me and I said over and over again, “This isn’t how it was meant to be. I didn’t sign up for this. This is so unfair.”
In the morning, with strong coffee, I watched my kids and I realised that this parenting gig and our lives might not be the way I had imagined but it was most definitely my choice. And because it was my choice I should own it, be responsible for it. Taking responsibility got me out of feeling like a victim and more of a decision maker so I decided to look for rentals and “start” this single parenting thing, for real.
The journey was real and I faced roadblock after roadblock from the real estate agents. I had no rental history, I had no current income to show as I had taken time off to have my baby and be mum at home. I had no past references because I owned my last home and business and sold both a few months ago and because I had a two-year-old and four-month-old and look after I had limited time for open houses and doing applications by the deadlines.