If I had a crystal ball 13 years ago, would I have changed the decisions I made?
Let’s start at the beginning.
In 2004, I met my soulmate on an online dating site. We clicked instantly, were married two years later, and things were great. In December 2008, our daughter Allegra was born she made our life complete.
Not even a week later, my husband was diagnosed with an aggressive form of non Hodgkin’s lymphoma. It was incredibly stressful and emotional, but he was in remission within six months. We all took a deep breath.
In October 2011 Allegra was diagnosed with moderate autism with a severe language delay. At the time, I didn’t know much about autism, all I knew is I had to help my daughter, so we started early intervention.
We managed, we got by, and we were happy.
In April of 2014, we were elated to find out we were pregnant with our second child – a boy – something we thought would never be possible due to the chemotherapy used to treat my husband’s cancer.
It should have been the happiest year of my life, and it ended up being one of my hardest. I was 34 weeks pregnant when my world was tipped upside down.
In November of that year, my husband passed away suddenly due to a heart condition; something the doctors say may have been caused by the cancer treatment he had received years prior. I felt completely lost.
My baby Harrison was about to enter a very different life – one that felt like a nightmare.
To be honest I wasn’t sure if I should post about this today. It should have been our 11th year wedding anniversary, but one piece of the puzzle is missing. I am never sure whether I should continue to celebrate/remember the good times etc. . . Then I realise I probably wouldn’t be sharing our autism journey if I had never met this man 13 years ago or if he didn’t pass away almost 3 years ago. I still have his surname, I am raising his kids without him and I am trying to keep his legacy going. Not easy some days to be honest. Moving on is easier said than done. When Allegra still misses him in her own special way and Harrison doesn’t realise what he is missing as he never got the chance to meet him. . . So I think it is appropriate to post this today. Remembering the good days! . . #soloparenting #widowlife #legacy #bittersweetmemories #rememberingthegoodtimes
I was angry with the world for a long time, even though there was so much to be positive about. Becoming a widow at the age of 33 was definitely not in my plans, but destiny placed me in this position, and it has taken almost three years since my husband passing away to realise that sometimes, I just need to breathe, trust, let go, and see what happens.