politics

An important message to Australian parliament: We're not paying you to play a game of Survivor.

On Tuesday morning, in the time it took most of us to sit at our desks, fiddle with our computer cords to work out why nothing would turn on, and take a strategic walk around the office to look busy, Australian parliament almost kicked out our current prime minister and voted for a new one.

Almost.

Minister for Home Affairs, Immigration and Border Protection, Peter Dutton, contested Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull in a leadership challenge, losing with 35 votes to Turnbull’s 48. It was awkward, because it happened so quickly, and even after resigning from the ministry, Dutton still looked remarkably like a potato.

But then we noticed something else.

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It would seem that instead of talking about the 12-year-old boy on Nauru who refuses to eat, or improving our country’s hospitals, or schools, or housing affordability, Australia’s politicians have been watching way too much reality TV. In particular, Survivor.

Look, it’s fine to watch some trashy TV from time to time. I’m sure doctors and lawyers and all kinds of important people use it as a way to escape the stress of their jobs. But our ministers of parliament appear to have watched so much Survivor, that… they think they’re on it.

Srsly

But actually.

Just days ago, Dutton pulled a classic snake Survivor move, tweeting that "the Prime Minister has my support and I support the policies of the Government".

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But it turned out the rumours that Dutton wanted to challenge the leadership were true. Because, as a side note, rumours are always true.

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Now, the day after Malcolm Turnbull declared the leadership of the Liberal Party vacant, strategically allowing Dutton to contest him without giving him the opportunity to gather enough support to overtake him, Dutton has announced he'll challenge again.

Dutton, pls.

You've been voted off the island. Well, technically you were voted to that Exile Beach place that was introduced last season, where everyone thinks you got voted out but really you're lurking nearby getting ready to make a shock return. Either way, Dutton, you need to go home and do some terrible interviews with radio stations and maybe try to build your Instagram following.

STOP TRYING TO MAKE SURVIVOR: PARLIAMENT EDITION HAPPEN. IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

Except... it sort of already has. Five times in the last seven years. It would seem there are a lot of Survivor fans in politics and when they're bored they try to introduce the concept of a tribal council to shake things up. But no. We don't like it.

None of us are paying any of you to play a game of Survivor. That's what the people on Survivor get paid for. You don't just get to decide to sit in the wilderness and cast your votes and give bitchy piece-to-camera speeches about why you think Malcolm should leave.

Go do your jobs. And while you're at it, FYI, climate change is real. It's not an opinion. It's a proven, scientific fact.

Boi bye.
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