'This is the only way to explain the offside rule.' An idiot's guide to World Cup soccer.

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On Saturday night, millions of Australians sat with their eyes glued to a game of soccer. The Matildas were playing Les Bleues - France's national team - for a spot in the FIFA World Cup semifinal. 

At full-time, no one had scored. By the end of extra time, still, the score was nil all. There was only one course of action left to determine a winner, and it can be summed up as follows: everyone's tired as f*ck so let's throw out the rules and just start taking shots straight into the goal and see which team gets it in more than the other team but if they keep being even then I guess we'll keep going forever.

Millions of us nodded. And after 147 hours of kicks, Cortnee Vine - who had only come off the bench 104 minutes into the game - approached the ball. Australia's Mackenzie Arnold had just done a very impressive jump with her gloves and saved the previous goal, so Vine's shot, if she made it, could be the one to make history. 

And she did. And we cheered. I almost threw a literal baby. 

It was so simple. Ball going in net means goal which means point which means win which means joy which, in the case of a team like the Matildas, is profoundly uncomplicated.

But not every moment of World Cup viewing has been so straightforward. For example, when the referee blows her whistle and it could mean approximately 75 different things. Or when the ball goes in the net but it turns out someone from the scoring team was offside, a rule no one seems to be able to explain to me in a single, logical sentence. 

You see, it's not that we've never watched soccer before. Most of us have. A lot of us (including me) have even played soccer, and had a coach stare us directly in the eye and attempt to describe the difference between a direct and an indirect kick. I assure you, we get the vibe. 

The problem is many of us have never watched soccer like this. Holding our breath, with the potential of a public holiday on the line, knowing a frankly weird amount about every single player on the field. 

That's why I've created 'The Idiot's Guide To Soccer: I Only Care About The Matildas Edition', for those too afraid to ask the dumb questions. 

Ahem. 

How Long Be The Game?

A game of soccer goes for 90 minutes. There are two 45 minute halves with a 15 minute break in between. 

Except here's the important bit: it doesn't. Actually. Ever go for 90 minutes. Really. 

Every time the ball goes out of bounds or someone gets injured or players celebrate a goal, that time gets added to the clock, and then that time gets played at the end of each half. 

But here's the other important bit: how much time will be added is like... a secret? Idk it's weird. It feels like the person keeping track of it (the fourth official, allegedly, like why do you need FOUR officials) is gatekeeping, until they absolutely have to tell us. Which is at the very end of the half. But I'd like to know earlier, personally? For energy purposes? Like, is this a one minute thing or an eight minute thing? Can you just have a tally of how much time will be added to each half throughout the game? Or are you actually just guessing? Which is also fine but I feel like when the stakes are this high you should be transparent about... that. 

What Mean By Corner Kick?

As a viewer, my guess would be that a corner kick happens when the game has fallen into a bit of a lull. The referee wants to stir shit. Start a fight. Etc. 

But no. 

A corner kick happens when the ball passes over the goal line at the end of the field, and it was last touched by a player of the defending team. In layman's terms, that is: it's my team's turn with the ball and that's our goal post so let's cause some chaos and see if we can get it in.  

Seems... fair. And... logical. Suspicious. 

Of course, that's not all. There are stipulations. Such as:

- The person who took the corner kick can't touch the ball again before it has touched another player, i.e. you can't kick it to yourself dummy. 

- All opposing players have to be 9.15 metres from the corner arc until the ball gets kicked. 

Come on. How do you measure that? But I guess that's why there are 54 referees.  

No But Does Anyone Understand This Whole 'Offside' Fuss?

It. Doesn't. Make. Sense. And. I. Will. Die. On. This. Hill.

Everyone explains it like this: a player is offside if they are ahead of their second-to-last opponent. To which I say: that's not how rules work because I personally do not understand. 

Let's try again. 

A player is offside when an attacking player is nearer to the opponent's goal line than both the ball and the second-to-last opponent. 

ALSO NO. What are you talking about? 

A social media post went viral a few years ago for attempting to explain the offside rule 'to girls' using shopping as an analogy. Everyone got angry because it's patronising and assumes women don't understand soccer, when lots of women do understand soccer (including the offside rule), it's just that a) the offside rule is stupid and some women are allergic to stupidity, because b) NO ONE EXPLAINS IT IN LANGUAGE THAT MAKES SENSE. 

The analogy was this: 

"You're in a shop, second in line from the till. Behind the till is a dress you want."

Sorry to interrupt - why is the dress behind the till? But carry on.

"However, there's a girl in front that also wants it. You've both actually left your purse at home. However, your friend is out shopping too and throws you her purse."

Okay. Women aren't just out here throwing purses. Why is everyone leaving their purse at home? Also, I don't want my friend's purse because then I'd be stealing her money?  

"As soon as she's thrown you the purse and it's left her hands, you're able to slip around the girl in front and buy it.

"Remember, until the purse has left your mate's hands, it would be wrong to push in front of the other girl.

"You would be offside."

What. In. The. Terrible. Analogy. Regardless of the position of the purse, you'd still be pushing in front of the girl who's first in line which feels rude? Precisely none of this helps and since when is throwing a purse in public a simpler way to explain a game involving a ball and a net?

After watching multiple YouTube videos, here's the deal: you're offside if there's no defender between you and the goalkeeper. 

It's meant to discourage players from just hanging around the goal waiting to get the ball, because I don't know if you know this but one of the key parts of playing soccer is running 6537kms per second. The vibe is you and the ball need to get around at least one defender in order to score. 

With that said, you're only offside if you're actively involved in play. When I played soccer, I'm fairly certain I was offside always. But because I was lazy and never actually did anything, it was fine. 

Is my explanation entirely accurate? Maybe. Maybe not. (It absolutely isn't). But is it better than imagining grown women throwing purses around a clothes shop? Absolutely. 

A Quick Question About Hurting People 

It seems to me that sometimes it's okay to hurt your opponent, but only if you're genuinely trying to get the ball, which the referee decides based on the look in your eye.

But apparently not. 

A foul is called when a player does something dangerous OR something to gain an unfair advantage for one team. 

Most fouls are about contact between individual players on opposing teams. Contact is inevitable because, like, you're trying to get the ball from someone else, but then there's forceful contact, which is contact the referee deems to be directed at the person and not the ball. Which, um... is eerily close to my original theory but okay.

Naughty things players cannot do include:

- kicking (omg stop there's nothing more embarrassing than kicking another adult)

- tripping

- jumping (how does one... never mind)

- pushing

- striking

- charging

- holding

- or spitting at an opponent

But, I know you're thinking, what if it was an accident? What if I pushed that woman and then tripped her and then kicked her but I didn't mean to?

Well. The referee, in this instance, is like Judge Judy. She decides. And, like Judge Judy, her decisions are final. 

She determines whether a foul was careless, reckless, or used excessive force, and based on those factors, she may issue a yellow card ('pls stop that was a bit naughty'), or a red card ('na that was very naughty you're actually not allowed to play anymore'). If a player gets two yellow cards, that's an automatic red card, because as we all know, being a bit naughty TWICE is equivalent to being very naughty. 

Why Sometimes Direct Kick, And Other Times Indirect Kick? Hm?

When someone does something naughty, there are two types of presents awarded to make their opponent feel better. Both of them are free kicks, because people on a soccer field really like to kick the ball. 

One is a direct kick, where you're allowed to kick it directly into the goal. The other is an indirect kick, where the ball has to be touched by another player before it can go into the goal.

Again, Judge Judy decides which one is appropriate, based on the naughtiness of what happened. 

Handball. Discuss. 

You can't touch the ball with your hands, no no no. You must kick the ball. Unless you're the goalkeeper. But otherwise you can only use your feets. And head. And chest. And knees and shins and thighs, I guess. Certainly not your hands or your arms. 

But sometimes I swear the ball touches someone's hands or arms and it's... fine? No one even gets in trouble?

Well. 

There's a lot of debate about this among the International Football Association Board, apparently. 

The ball is allowed to touch the top of your arm. In line with your armpit. Which feels like roughly one centimetre of arm but okay. 

Then, there's the question of whether the contact between the ball and a player's hand or arm was deliberate or unintentional. How. Can. Judge. Judy. Decide. That. 

So, what happens if it is an accident? A player kicked the ball at me and it hit me in the hand - am I in trouble? 

The answer, as with all the rules of soccer, is: it depends. 

If I score from the ball touching my hand (dw I didn't), that's not okay. If the ball touching my hand creates a goal-scoring opportunity, that's also not okay. In both instances, it's a handball offense and the other team get an... indirect kick? I think? 

Now you're across The Idiot's Guide To Soccer: I Only Care About The Matildas Edition, you're all prepped for Australia's game against England. 

That means when the referee blows her whistle and starts speaking to a player, you can calmly explain to your friends: "Ah yes, Judge Judy has noticed they did something naughty so she's just working out what present to give to the other team."

No matter what their reaction, make sure you smile confidently, like the soccer expert you are. 

For more from Clare Stephens, you can follow her on Instagram.  

Feature image: Getty.

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