Women aren't using condoms and it’s not for the reason you think.

Ever get so caught up in a moment of passion and bedsheets that you and your partner just forget to put on a condom? 

I’d be lying if I said no. 

But the thing is, I don’t ever forget. There is never a time when I don’t remember that we should be using protection. It’s just sometimes, stupidly, I don’t stop him to put one on. 

Now a new study has unveiled exactly what’s going on. And, ladies, it’s not good. 

Watch: Do you know if you have a STI? Post continues after the video.

Making calculated decisions.

According to researchers from the US, women in their study explained “risky contraceptive decisions” (that’s not using condoms during sex) by saying that they “just weren’t thinking”. 

But the experts claim that’s using “strategic ambiguity”, or “vague language used to maintain social status”, because the truth is a lot different. 

Their findings suggest that women were actually thinking hard about the risks involved in unprotected sex, and were in fact making calculated decisions in the moment. 

These decisions were often an advantage to men, while putting themselves at risk, and sometimes causing distress.

For example, a woman in the study called Allison initially said that she didn’t know why she and a casual sexual partner didn’t use a condom, adding that it “kind of just happened”. 

But by the time she spoke to the interviewers, she repeatedly discussed how she rationalised risk-taking. She talked about the fact that she was taking birth control pills (although she was sometimes inconsistent in doing so) and that she knew her partner had only had one previous partner, so her STI risk was relatively low.

This, according to the researchers, was her undertaking a risk assessment process that made her believe she’d unlikely get pregnant. 

But why do women lie?

I get it. You’re wrapped up in someone else, things are feeling great and you just know that suggesting a condom will instantly kill the vibe. 

So you tell yourself it’ll be okay. And it’s not until afterwards, when the passion has passed and your hormonal levels are back to normal that you stop to think: why the actual f**k did I just do that? 

The study authors note: “To save face, women presented the idea that they “just weren’t thinking” in different ways that conformed to traditional notions of romance and sexuality. 

“Being in the moment, love and trust for their partner, and deferring to the perceived or actual wishes of men.” 

The what? 

Yeah, there’s the other sh**ty part of the puzzle. 

Why are we prioritising men’s desires?

As Barbie’s Gloria so eloquently put it, “It is literally impossible to be a woman” (you can read her whole monologue here and I recommend you do so). 

Because, according to the study authors, “Women face a cultural environment that expects them to adhere both to gendered sexual scripts that dictate passivity in sexual encounters with men, while simultaneously requiring that they act agentically in using contraceptives to protect themselves and their male partners from an unwanted pregnancy”.

In other words, the study authors theorise that women feel like they need to keep a man happy in bed — which for a lot of women equates to not using a condom, because they think men prefer sex without one — while at the same time making sure that they don’t get pregnant, not just their own sake, but for the man's as well. 

“Women engaged in risky sex when they were concerned about making their romantic partner happy and also relied on strategic ambiguity to excuse their prioritisation of men’s sexuality and desires,” the researchers said.  

Listen to the hosts of Mamamia Out Loud on the first date sex rule. Post continues after podcast.

One woman in the study was Emmy, who said having unprotected sex was “more thinking about what the guy wants because guys prefer not to use a condom because they say it feels better."

“So if a girl just decides, ‘Oh no, I don’t need [a condom],’ it’s usually because they are either [intimidated] by the guy or they just really want to please him,” she said.

Along with putting men’s needs first, one of the primary drivers behind women’s need to use strategic ambiguity to explain risky sex was “from their strong feeling that pregnancy prevention was primarily their responsibility”. 

“It’s my body, my responsibility whether I’m protecting myself or not,” a woman called Madison said.

Time for a change.

At the end of study, the authors wrote that “enforcing and reinforcing more empowered sexuality for women would result in women having better, safer sex because they’ll have their needs met, including their contraceptive needs, and the need to prevent pregnancy.”

But this just made me mad. 

Because, yes, we don’t always make the smartest decisions in bed, but why should it always be up to us?

Pregnancy requires two people. And using a condom during sex requires just one man to put on his own damn protection. 

So please ladies, let’s stop putting their sexual desires above our own safety and stand up for ourselves.

Image: Getty + Mamamia.